My mental health/ life is a total mess/talk of affairs - HELP

[User101023]

This will be long…
Im 32, been with DP for 14 years we have one DD (13). I work full time in a high paying, good job.

I fell out of love with him years ago - don’t think I ever really loved him but stayed because he was safe, secure and I had a baby at 19! The relationship is dead, sex life gone. I left him last year but I suffered a mental breakdown a few months later…in hindsight I think this was triggered by the overwhelming feeling of being alone. I didn’t want him back but I couldn’t function so he came back to help me and then didn’t move back out.

12 months later I’m still here, suffocated by the relationship having to keep up appearances etc DD has anxiety and I feel terrible because she has to live here with us in this weird household which isn’t abusive or terrible but there is a lot of tension.

I feel anxious all the time. So much so I disassociate at times (and that isn’t an excuse about what’s to come!)…just one foot in front of the other.

Me and DD at logger heads often but this could be due to the summer holidays and spending time together more that we work as i WFH full time.

A few weeks ago I decided to have an affair, joined a site, met a lovely guy in a similar situation (as he tells me)…we went on a few dates and when I was with him my anxiety melted away, I felt brilliant…we had sex and now he has gone cold so I know what that was all about…I’m gutted. Not because it was him but because now I just feel shit…more shit that I did before.

I just don’t know what to do…honestly feel like I’m going crazy all the time…

I have had loads of counselling over the years most recent last year when I had the breakdown and il be honest they seem just as overwhelmed with my situation they don’t really know where t start…plus is so expensive and I tried the free NHS counselling but it’s CBT or similar based so no good for just sorting out my whole life!

I can’t take medication as my job requires me to work nights etc

HELP

It's not surprising that the idea (and reality) of being alone sent you into a spiral last time as it would be, effectively, the first time you've had to cope on your own. No matter how many people tell you they've raised 20 kids singlehanded while holding down 4 jobs and caring for a dozen bed-bound relatives and it's all a piece of piss, when it comes to doing it yourself it's scary.

What did you learn from the last attempt at going it alone? What bits were good and what floored you?

You know you have to do this for the sake of your daughter because the situation isn't good for her or you or your husband for that matter.

Thank you for replying.

I have no idea…for months leading up to the conversation I was so anxious that one day I literally blurted it out to him as I was working.

He protested a bit but then moved out to stay with his parents. I was ok for a day or two then suddenly things like food shopping, cooking etc became harder and harder. Even though I did and do all of this currently and the loneliness was crippling.

The situation is awful. And I know what k need to do, DD was actually really ok when we told her last time I think she was relieved. She was less happy when he moved back in but got used to it quickly again…I just feel a total basket case

So, the first time he left it was in a hurry and you (both) hadn't thought through the practicalities or the impact on your daughter?

Would some sort of joint counselling be an idea? Not to stay together but to manage the break up better in terms of housing, money, shared custody of your daughter, etc.

Can you set a time limit on when you are going to separate and work on your own resilience and self esteem?

Possibly but I think that he wouldn’t go for that. I imagine if I mentioned separating again then he would leave and not come back and I couldn’t blame him

Just wanted to update.

I spoke to my partner a and we have agreed to separate.

Affair partner was back in contact and because I’m an idiot I went back and has sex with him again…pretty sure he is using me, but I crave the attention.

Im taking my DD on holiday for a few days to decompress and try and reflect on everything.

Any further support would be greatly appreciated