I have history of longstanding GAD and bouts of (situational) depression. Antids (sertraline) didn't work for me so just take propranolol for anxiety.
This year has absolutely done me in (covid, termination which failed and had retained products, disclosure of awful family secret which has meant reframing my entire childhood, the loss of a close friend to suicide). My family are shit. I have no friends.
I am raising my DC 50/50 with ex. Kids are happy and healthy and all is good in that regard. So that's something.
I have lovely DP of 4.5 years. We don't live together (my mortgaged house is not big enough for his DC who he doesn't see very often to stay. He's in rented - I'm not willing to uproot my two into rented). Plan has been for him to clear his debts and then we look for somewhere together (with appropriate ring fencing of my equity/deposit - he earns well but has no savings. He walked away from previous marriage with nothing out of guilt). This never gets talked about unless I bring it up (which isn't often as I don't like confrontation and want him to want to talk about it) although I know he is ahead of his goals re: debt clearance as have seen statements etc and he tells me it is 100% what he wants and is working towards every time we discuss it. I just don't feel that the desire is fully there for him and I would bite my arm off rather cajole someone into moving in with me. I would rather stay as I am forever.
I am not being honest with him about how bad I feel as I just think he'll run for the hills. I have zero reason to think this. He has always been fully supportive of me but he has lived a very lucky life where he's had minimal experience of MH issues or trauma so I just think he'll decide to go find someone else to be with who isn't a headache. I really do love him and want to be with him but I can see myself pushing him away.
I've tried to power through all of the above events with minimum disruption to normal life. Took 1 day off work for the termination. 0 days off when friend died. Job is NHS and I earn 28k so still get UC. Feel like a failure financially. Never achieved my potential academically and now my kids are paying the price as I can't afford to take them on a fucking holiday. Am petrified about utilities and not being able to afford to live. Mortgage is small and I live very frugally but now can't afford treats at all so life just feels mundane.
Life just seems relentless and shit and I have found myself understanding why my friend might have got to the point where she did what she did. I have never experienced suicidal ideation and am still not but I now get it. I get how you can just feel that you want the noise in your head to stop.
I'm already having counselling through work. This has dislodged a lot of trauma which is undoubtedly affecting my current mood. I am so low and tearful while also worried about absolutely fucking everything.
A neighbour I've never spoken to properly came to chat earlier as our boys have become firm friends playing out this summer and she said such kind things about DS and his manners and kindness that when she left I just started sobbing uncontrollably and can't stop. It's like I get no validation ever from anyone so I don't know if I'm doing anything right in my life. To have someone recognise that DS is such a genuinely good kid was overwhelming.
I never take time off work. Was brought up to see that as a failure/not an option. I work with one other colleague (who also has MH issues) so I feel that any time off would make her situation worse so I don't do it.
Ultimately I feel that I'm not deserving of anything. I don't deserve a nice life, to prioritise myself and my health, to get married, to live in a nice house with a partner as a family. I've always skirted around life never living it fully. I've never been married because I had the worst possible example of it in my parents growing up but I also aspire to it on some level and feel hurt that no-one has ever loved me enough to want to marry me. I've never even had a party for a bday as an adult or anything at all that draws focus to me as I don't feel worth it.
Am going to call GP tomorrow and discuss alternative antidepressants.
Does anyone relate to me? I feel very very sad and alone right now.
Sorry for the ridiculously long and rambling post.