To think my family would be better off without me

[oneHundredpercent1000]

im an awful person to be around. My dc and DH tell me all I do is moan, they prefer it when I’m out or they do activities together without me. I do all the practical things for my dc but I hate almost every aspect of my life so there’s no joy in any of it.
It’s a living hell and I’m constantly fantasising about being dead or living alone with no responsibilities. I’m too frightened to live but too frightened to die too. I’ve tried all medications and they made me worse, I’m on waiting list for taking therapy but to be honest can’t see that helping

So you do all the actual work for your kids, and your H does the fun stuff and so takes all the reward of being the ‘good’ parent?

I can see why you are unhappy, tbh.

Are there any things you can do to slowly build a life for yourself you would like?

I’m really sorry you are so unhappy OP.

The Samaritans are great if you want to offload to someone who will listen and make you feel they care.

Your family need you around. And you need some support and somewhere to talk through some stuff. Does your GP know you are having suicidal thoughts and that they are constant? Do you have any active plans OP? If you do you must go straight to A and E, and make sure you get crisis support. Take care.

I don’t have any active plans and don’t think i would actually do it. Wish I had the balls to

Ok, but it's not about bravery or lack of. The bravery is the part of you that keeps on going, even tho your head is telling you how worthless you are. Please reach out for support OP.

My mother always said the ones you take for granted are the ones you miss the most. Families don't always show their appreciation. You need help. Reach out to the Samaritans or a local women's group or even local church/mosque/synagogue . It also sounds like you might need couples therapy if DH is siding with your child against you too.

In the meantime try and find some tiny thing just for you - make a start, don't moan about it just claim some little thing - an hour once a week doing something a class, volunteering, anything - for yourself. Just say it out loud and do it - I'm going to knit and natter, choir, book club, pilates, volunteering at a charity shop, whatever - and do it. You are a worth while person doing a worth while job looking after your family - remember that!

I hope it gets better soon.