My DS (20, 3rd year of university) is gay and I needed to get some things off my chest and see if I could repair our broken bond.
When he was around 13, my DS was heavily bullied at school for being gay (he was outed at school) to the point of him regularly self-harming and being strongly suicidal, and this carried on regularly until he was around 16.
I found out that he was gay accidentally when he was around 14/15 (I found some things that really suggested that he was, and then I pressured him to tell me), and due to my culture and upbringing I was really against it. Shamefully, I even told him that he couldn't tell his younger sister nor his father because if the news spread in our community then his sister might not be able to get married later on. I know that I even said some things like that he would go to hell and that being gay is disgusting and that his life would be miserable and full of disease if he had sex with another man.
When he was 16, I guess the pressure got to him too much and he told a teacher at school about everything that was happening both at home and at school (right after exam season) because he was about to commit suicide. The school kind of dealt with the people who were bullying him, and me and DH got called in about this too because DS was at a high risk of committing suicide. This is when DH found out that DS was gay, and he was really angry about this, but also about the abuse that DS faced at school, and he told DS that he was too young to know and that he would find a girl soon.
It pains me to say this, but I didn't take this well at all. Instead of supporting DS, I got really angry and upset with him because social security became involved and came to my work and home for questioning. I also made DS downplay what was happening at home, which makes me feel horrible now.
Ever since then, DS moved schools and is now at university and is thriving. Because of everything in the past, I don't have a strong relationship at all with him (he hardly has a relationship with DH because he is very verbally abusive and is extremely narcissistic), and truth be told I still don't like him being gay and don't accept this (we never talk about his sexuality/dating life, and in front of family and friends I always say in front of him that he is interested in girls).
Now I want to try and repair our bond but I don't know how to and I am unsure how I can accept him as being gay and be openly supportive about this. I still can't view him as that and I know that he can get really stressed and has bad mental health because of this trauma that he has went through with us and school.
How can I help understand him and repair our relationship? AIBU for wanting to do this?