Feel like I"m heading for a breakdown

[OnTheVergeOfABreakdown]

I've been on antidepressants long term for 20+ years due to childhood trauma and ongoing depression. I've had near breakdowns in the past but have been pretty good for the last few years.

I haven't been able to work much over the years, just a bit of self employed stuff, but a few months ago I got a full time job. It turned out to be very stressful, for minimum wage, no breaks, and there was an awful bullying culture there, and I had a horrible time and resigned about a month ago. Also during the time I worked DH and the kids did nothing in the house, it was all left to me. I was feeling a bit like I was losing the plot but thought I'd be ok once I left.

Only I'm not ok. I've just got worse and worse. I'm eating crap and have stopped healthy eating and exercising and so have put on weight and look and feel awful. The house is a state as nothing got done whilst I was working full time and I have no motivation, and no one else does anything. I can't even be bothered to get myself showered most days. Even deciding what to wear seems impossible. I can't do my self employed work as just can't bring myself to do it. It seems pointless. I feel anxious and even going to Asda makes me feel like crying, I can't even think what to buy. My kids just won't ever leave me alone and are so demanding even though two are adults (18 and 22. Youngest is 14). I have just been having a bit of quiet evening watching TV on my own and eldest has just come in from work ranting about something or other and just won't leave me alone. 18 year old has her boyfriend to stay all the time and is so rude and demanding to me. When I told her he can't stay every night she had a screaming tantrum for hours and said she'd kill herself if I don't let him stay. Her bedroom is like one big rubbish bin.

DH is semi supportive about things but not super supportive. I don't think he gets it. The future just seems like a massive hurdle at the moment and the thought of so many things just make me panic and worry, when I wouldn't normally give them a second thought.

I have upped my medication by 10mg per day via the GP, who was really lovely and supportive but I guess is thinking the extra medication will work when in actual fact I feel no better.

I honestly just feel like leaving the country, abandoning everyone, and just going off and living on my own and starting afresh.

Does this sound like a breakdown? I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic?

I think peri-menopause may be at play. AD's are not effective and not recommended to treat anxiety and depression caused by Peri, as they can make things worse. Aslo, Peri can cause so many other issues... Weight gain, brain fog, tiredness, extreme fatigue, insomnia, the list goes on.

If I were you, I would go to a Peri/menopause clinic and talk to someone about everything that's going on.

I have had that feeling, and I sympathise. I honestly did feel like jumping in the car and just leaving everyone, most sincerely. I didn't though, it's just a thought. Things I found shifted it have been to tackle my anxiety (I really like Claire Weeks' books although they are old fashioned), I pay for therapy, and I'm also on an anti-depressant which has helped, perhaps you need a different one?

This is a difficult age for women, I don't know if you are in the menopause or peri, some people find HRT very helpful for that overwhelming feeling, loss of confidence, hot flushes and so on. I haven't got on with it very well myself but it is game changing for others.

I'm sorry things are so difficult, sometimes it's the small things that tip us over. I don't know whether it matters if you are technically having a breakdown, but I found Claire Weeks books on nervous breakdown very helpful, the ideas are difficult to understand initially or I found them hard anyway, but over time I've seen she's right about what got you into this mess and what will get you out as well. Just an idea, it really resonated with me.

Thanks for the replies. I honestly don't think it's menopause related as I was fine until I started the job and the stress from it and managing work and home life with no support pushed me over the edge. I've had similar before in a stressful job about 15 years ago and it caused me to feel like this.

Peri-menopause issues can manifest very, very quickly. They certainly did for me.

Also, peri-menopause is not menopause. Peri is period of our lives that can last 10 years or more before full menopause.

take yourself off for a walk next time your DD starts screaming about having a sleep over. Don’t engage while she’s acting up or negotiate. Go for a walk, some fresh air or a coke in your local. It will keep your sanity.

sit everyone down and outline how the housekeeping issue is making you feel sad and ask them to make a plan to resolve. Maybe everyone has one daily job - cooking or hoovering or washing up or laundry.

*I honestly just feel like leaving the country, abandoning everyone, and just going off and living on my own and starting afresh.

Does this sound like a breakdown? I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic?*

no, you don’t sound dramatic. Your response seems proportionate to your circumstances, which are shit, frankly. And I’d want to leave too and that’s without the compounding factors of chronic depression and childhood trauma. Go easy on yourself, your life is difficult.

Are you having any therapy? It sounds like some psychodynamic-type therapy might help you, with someone who knows how to deal with trauma. CBT might help with some techniques to manage the feelings but you might need something deeper.

If you DH is semi-supportive, can you talk to him about what a hard time you're having and get his help in getting your adult kids to behave more like adults?

Not ruling out the PP's points re peri-menopause, but with your past there could be more at play here.

Hope the extra meds will help. In the meantime try to do some nice things for yourself, even if it's just getting out of the house when the family is being annoying?

No you don't sound dramatic, you sound exhausted and like you are looking for exit routes. I have been worried about myself in the past when I have looked for quick exits rather than confronting current situations.
I would also suggest a bit of space for yourself, as perhaps antidepressants on their own aren't going to address the areas of your life that need to be faced. Would you have any therapy?

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time . It will get better.

How long have you been on the increased dose?

Thanks so much for the replies.

I have been on the increased dose for 10 days now.

Therapy wise I have had all kinds of therapy in the past from CBT, to tapping therapy to hypnotherapy to counselling, and it sort of semi works then I end up unwell again. The GP has said he can refer me for counselling but that's all that's currently available on the NHS.

I'm convinced it is not menopause or peri menopause related. I think I was managing to keep my mental health related head above water for so long, then the job pushed me over the edge. The weight gain is 100% due to me eating crap and not exercising.

Also, just thinking aloud here, I feel that DH, whilst appearing semi supportive on the surface, is actually just counting the hours until I'm back to 'normal' and my usual level of productivity within the house again. Since I admitted to him that I feel unwell he seems to have minor ailment after minor ailment that makes him 'tired' or 'in a bad mood' so I can never actually talk to him about things that might make me feel better.

He'll maybe load the dishwasher once a week and thinks I should be indebted to him.

Ah ok, so your DH doesn't take responsibility within the house and wants you to mother him also but you are currently feeling like 'fuck it all'? I'm not convinced this is 100% rooted in that situation with your job though, perhaps that was a kind of tipping point for showing you there is some deeper crap that needs to be looked at. It must have been difficult to leave the job though, when presumably it was a fresh start for you there and you would have been more financially independent perhaps if you worked full time?
I still think counselling could be helpful for you, as you sound resentful and also like you are struggling to tell people to stop taking the piss out of you, which sometimes, let's face it, is necessary. I hear that you have tried lots of therapies, and also completely understand if it doesn't feel right for you, but I don't know if this will be solved by an increase in medication and things continuing at home like they are. You sound like you need change.

If you are on day 10 then hopefully you will start to notice a difference soon. I have been on increased AD for a few more days than you and am beginning to see improvement.

I agree with @coffeeisthebest though. Now I am feeling a little better I know I need to begin taking the steps to longer term solutions. Exercise, Lifrstyle, Counselling, Reconnecting with old friends / hobbies. Working on my self esteem. This takes time and I am still very fragile, but I am beginning with a few baby steps.

It has taken me years to come round to this idea but I know that is what is ultimately going to make a real difference.

A doctor once described it to me as your mental health being like a big bucket of water which can get fuller or emptier as things happen in life.

My bucket has lots of big stones in the bottom which means it doesn't take much rain to cause my bucket to start overflowing.

If I can remove some of these stones or even make them a bit smaller I would have more room in my bucket to deal with a bit of rain without the bucket overflowing.

I found this really useful. Even if I try and chip away at one or two of those stones I am helping myself avoid a crisis or breakdown.

So eating a bit more healthily, doing a bit more exercise and trying to get enough sleep are all a good start.

Then perhaps trying to improve a problem in your life. Even if you can't get rid of that stone, a little step in the right direction will shrink it a bit. So maybe something at work is stressing you. Maybe you can't change jobs, but could you ask for help from a colleague you trust?

I am years down the road now and still keep overflowing from time to time, but I keep trying when I can to do little things to make more space in my bucket.

@OnTheVergeOfABreakdown you posts reminded me very much of this analogy, so perhaps it might be helpful for you?

Thanks so much everyone for the replies

I'm pleased to say the last three days I've felt amazingly better, really and totally back to my self. The antidepressant increase must have kicked in. I feel so happy to feel like myself again.

So good to hear that @OnTheVergeOfABreakdown

Don't feel discouraged if you have the odd wobble though, today I am feeling a bit worse than I have for the last few days, but I know I am still a fair bit better than a week or so ago. It can be a bumpy path.

Hopefully that is you well and truly on the mend though. Please remember to be kind to yourself and look at long term strategies. I tend to stick my head in the sand when I start to feel better and don't want to engage with anything that reminds me of the bad times I experience. It has taken me years to accept that this is not the way to stay well long term. Well, I hope I've learned to accept it now, only time will tell!