Don't know what to do

[GilChesterton]

I'm in an utter mess right now. I took on a new job a couple of years ago and the stress of it is wearing me down - it is a managerial job with a lot of responsibility, financial and people management, very visible (in the local press quite a bit), and it's clearer and clearer that I am not cut out for it. I have become very forgetful, I have terrible insomnia, I can't think my way around problems.

I lie in bed dreading the morning, I have started to drink too much, and am feeling like a failure on every level - I have let my contact with friends and family slide, I am like a zombie at home and feel so selfish for dwelling on my own thoughts and not being there for my family. I spent last night crying as I took on to do a decorating project and made a complete mess of it. I have tried medication from the doctor and couldn't stick with it, I have tried counselling but didn't feel it helped.

I have looked at other jobs but anything doable would involve a major pay cut and I would just feel that I am failing again. I really don't see a way out for me.

How old are you ? Are you peri menopause age ?

That sounds tough
I would try a different counsellor and different medication. Also, can you run/fast walk 20 mins a day? Meditate before bed for 5 mins a day (using the Headspace app or similar)
And get a cleaner (and a decorator) if you can afford it.

Have you had a full medical check up recently? That's the first place to start - there could be any number of physical reasons why you are not coping so rule those out first - go private if you can for speed and to have every possible test.

Has anything been said at work about your performance? Could you ask for a review to see how your employers are viewing your level and quality of work? It's expensive, time consuming and hugely disruptive for them to replace you so they (should) bend over backwards to get you back on track. There's absolutely no shame in taking a step back for as long as is needed to figure out what's going.

There is always a way out, or around, or over. You need to find the route that's best for you firstly, your family and friends secondly and lastly you employers.

You are not failing by prioritising your physical and mental health.

You tried to make it work, it didn't. I'd seriously think about moving on.

Don't beat yourself up for it.

I took a step down from a management job after coming close to a breakdown. One day I just couldn’t stop crying. Management were awful which didn’t help. I’ve made my peace with a lower paid lower responsibility job, I’m happier and can prioritise family now.

I agree with the suggestion to investigate physical health. Also I’d look at whether you can get any support at work. But I wouldn’t see a step down as failure better to try and fail than to never push yourself.

I haven't had a medical check lately. I used to enjoy going to the gym and running but haven't done that for ages - little time and don't seem to have the energy anyway. I've lost shape and gained weight, which is another thing impacting my confidence.

My manager is always very complementary about my performance but I never seem to be able to trust that feedback or take any comfort from it. I am always catastrophising and I feel that my direct reports must think that I am useless and out of my depth (as that's the way I feel). I am very indecisive and not dynamic enough to push on new projects.

There is a lower level post vacant within my section, and I have considered asking if I could drop down a level into that post, but the loss of income would be huge, and I feel I would be letting my family down all over again.

That sounds really hard. I honestly don’t see how looking for a job that suits you better would be a failure on your part. It sounds self-aware, proactive and sensible to me. Could you manage a pay cut if it came to it? Sounds like it could be worth it.
If your manager is at all understanding, or your HR, can you chat to them in the meantime? They would rather help you manage your workload now than have you signed off sick for weeks for stress.

2 years is a nice length of time on your cv anyway, 100% legitimate to say I want to do something else now.

And try to build in a bit of time before you start new job to catch up with yourself…

"I don't trust the feedback.
I am always catastrophising
I feel...I am useless.
I am indecisive
I feel I would be letting my family down (all over again?)"

Lots of subjective stuff there and all driven by emotions, not facts. Were you comfortable and confident in the role at the beginning? If so, what triggered the change in the way you viewed yourself? Apologies for the cliche but how was your childhood?

Definitely go and get a full check up. If it's clear then you could consider therapy to find out what's going on in your subconscious.

Also, do you have a mentor or a coach at work? Both can be really useful and help you build confidence.

Thanks all for the helpful replies.

I don't have a mentor or coach at work, although I have raised this previously. I got the job in a strange way, as my previous manager took ill and I acted up into the role for a short time. I thought this would just be for a short time but my manager decided not to return and I got made permanent in the job. I was probably naive but thought that I would hold the fort for six months, my manager would return, I could learn the managerial ropes and then maybe go for the job in a few years when she retired. Instead I went straight from floor to senior management without any rope-learning, and was nearly immediately thrust into the pandemic (we had a fairly major role in pandemic response). It's sink or swim time, and I am afraid I have not swum very well.

I spent the year before that time working on a very stressful project, during which I did have a few days sick leave with my mental health, so this has maybe been there for a while. I have never really felt comfortable and confident in the role, and I don't think now that I ever will be.

That sounds really tough @GilChesterton
I would definitely ask for more support and training, as well as a coach or mentor from your boss. Managers are made not born, and we all need support and training to become confident leaders. Having said that I'm sure you are doing a lot better than you think you are

I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time.

Firstly, I think you need to seriously consider getting signed off - even if it’s just for a few weeks - so that you can gain some headspace and take some steps to tackle things. This will also feed into asking your employer/occupational health for support on your return, should you need it (or taking a step down, should you decide to).

Secondly, it sounds like another type of therapy may be useful. I personally got quite sick of what felt like talking in circles with a counsellor and stopped it. I don’t think it actually helped - I just enjoyed the opportunity to vent for a few months, and hoped that doing so might help. I think something else might be better to tackle the catastrophising. I’m loathe to suggest CBT as it’s never helped me but something less talky and more focused on moving you forward might be a better option.

Get some sleeping pills. Be it sominex OTC or asking the GP for a few zopiclone. My insomnia continues to run me into the ground at times and I struggle to do anything well or think clearly some days - and that makes any stress harder to deal with. Just for now, do what you need to to get some rest. You won’t become addicted from a handful of zopis.

Speak to your doctor again about other meds. There are so many different types of AD and anxiety medications. Ask for something different. Give it a whirl - get started while you’re off sick.

I also agree with PPs that getting some tests done would be useful to rule out physical causes of some of the symptoms you describe. Vitamin D, iron, B12 and folate deficiencies can make you feel fuzzy and stressed and affect your sleep. Thyroid and hormones too.

And lastly, if you decide you need/want to stick with your current role, speak to your manager and HR about coaching and other support. Set it out the way you did here. They need to equip you for success in the big step up you’ve taken.

Sorry for the essay - I just know how a lot of this stuff feels (and had a senior role in HR/leadership development until recently).

You’ve got this. Just put yourself first for a minute and try to find some rest.

Thanks again.

Another night of no proper sleep, worrying about the day ahead. I have tried Zopiclone but it didn't work for me - I don't seem to have trouble falling asleep but can't stay asleep, and Zopiclone didn't help with that.