Hi all, this is my first time to start a thread here.
Let me give you a little bit background of myself. I am married with a young kid. I am not British, English is not my first language. Few years ago, we emigrated to this country and started our own business. Business has not been doing really well especially after Covid, we have some debts and recently I have to borrow from my family.
Because of the debt, I feel very ashamed of myself. I have lost interest in things, I want to stay at home all the time, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to meet or get in touch with anyone, not even my family (who are living abroad). Everyone thinks we are living a good life but in fact we are not. The only thing that urge me to get out from my house is to take my kid out and so she can have some fun especially during the holiday. But usually we do it as a family only because I don't want to do playdates. First because I don't want to meet other people, second because I want to minimise our expenditure. I know this is very selfish because I deprive my kid from playing with her friends. But honestly, I really cannot force myself to talk to other mums because I fear that they will notice my problem. I am not a particular out going person, I do have some mum friends but the friendships are only superficial. I found it quite exhausting to pretend to be happy in front of others but in fact I have so much to worry about.
I think I am a little bit depressed because of the financial pressure. We are trying make things better. But in the process, my husband and I argue a lot. I just feel unhappy all the time. I have nothing to look forward to everyday when I get up. I am constantly questioning myself why we cannot earn as much as others. The only happiness comes from my kid. She's an angel, so innocent and always try to cheer me up whenever she finds that I look a bit depressed. That also makes me question myself: What can I provide for her? I worry so much that I have lost interest and motivation in doing things.
The other reason for avoiding social interaction is because of my English. I don't know why but since I am not a native speaker, I constantly have the feeling that others look down on me because I cannot speak or write proper and native English (I think you can tell from my writing). I feel that I am useless and I am really let down by myself. Other people seems doing much better than I am. My self esteem has gone down to a very low level. I don't know how can I get away from all these negative thoughts and how to stop worrying about how people think of me.
I tried to look for a job but when I look at the job descriptions and requirements I am so scared because I have no experience in working with others. I am so worry to work with other colleagues. I don't know the working culture I worry people might find me difficult to communicate with. I am so afraid of making a fool of myself. I honestly don't know want to do or where can I get help.
Please don't ask me how about my husband. He doesn't know how I feel about myself. I don't want to share this feeling with him. This is my very personal feeling and I cannot and will not share with someone that I know. That's why I am writing here to get some advice. Thank you.