Disliked and unwanted

[Callmepale]

I try not to make sweeping statements like 'nobody likes me' but lately it feels very true.

My 22 month old son rejects me and wants his dad all of the time. It's been this way for months. He is hard work for me and 'good as gold' for my DP.

I go to my full time job where the other managers are praised for their kindness and helpfulness. I get complaints and rarely a 'thanks'

I confide in my mum who tells me I need to stop moaning. I told her the other day that I moved out of my comfort zone and actually treated myself to an art class, a chance to mix with some new people and do something for me. She laughed, said it was an odd thing to do and then said 'i thought you didn't have any money.'

My DP is kind but I've talked myself into thinking he's with me for convenience as we've been together since we were teenagers, I bought our house and our baby was a surprise. It feels like he's never made a commitment to me.

I don't have many friends and I try to chat to everyone, always think of others. I write thank you cards to show my gratitude and try to arrange coffee meet ups.

I've tried to ignore it, tell myself I'm being silly and then I've tried to be someone else. It's a self pitying post and I know that but honestly, how do you keep coping with feeling so unwanted and disliked? I'm so worn out.

I’m sorry you are feeling so down.
I don’t have any advice as also struggling mentally but wanted you to know someone is here…

Hi OP. I’m sorry that you feel like this, I don’t have any advice but I feel like it most of the time too and it’s absolutely exhausting isn’t it? I don’t have any children but if you want someone to chat to about day to day life I’d be happy to? :)

I feel like I could have written your post- actually I did last night.
No words of wisdom for me, some days are harder than others but you’re not alone!

I have no advice I’m afraid but just wanted you to know someone was listening.

You have a very negative mindset and from the snippet of information you have shared about your mother, it seems she is unsupportive or given to ridicule. It’s a bit of a wild guess because I don’t know anything about your upbringing but if you’ve been scorned by your parents it is likely you will struggle with self esteem.

There is no quick fix; you need therapy and/or to make a huge effort to change your mindset.

I can feel like this sometimes. No advice but you're not the only one.

I was at a festival last weekend and my sister in law who I see once a year didn't talk to me the whole time, just blanked me. I've no idea why.

Sometimes something small can spark off that feeling and you begin to see it everywhere as I now am following this incident.

Could something fairly minor have triggered this for you too?

I like to think everyone is thoughtful but that’s not the case. You have achieved a lot, having bought your house and working full time in what sounds like a thankless workplace. Perhaps you could stop your coffee mornings etc for a while and see if anyone notices? If not save your energy for your baby who’s maybe picking up on the fact you are unhappy. Coming into the dreaded two’s is a hard time but is also a funny time in a baby’s life if you stop and enjoy it. Is this your first child? Don’t worry about what you have to do for tomorrow, simply enjoy every second you have with your baby now.
You say your DP is kind and sweet. Does he help with the baby at all? Housework? Can you talk to him about how you feel and about how you see your relationship ? Maybe you can both compromise on a couple of things to make life easier at the moment while the baby is so young. Life is so difficult just now with lockdown just being lifted and everything that entailed so try not to be so hard on yourself. You sound like a lovely ,kind person to me. Don’t stop being who you are but for now I would take time out for your little family and enjoy your art class regardless of what any of your wider family say. Perhaps they are just jealous they never got to try anything new. Wishing you luck and love with everything you do in life.

I thought same as @BlueWhaleBay

Have you heard of childhood emotional neglect? If you have a Google and read see if you think it applies to you.

It could be that you’re sort of programmed to feel like no one cares because that’s the kind of environment you grew up in in your early years. It’s easy to then carry on seeing the world like that when you’re an adult.

I relate to much of what you've said. I'm sure you're perfectly nice, and your doing the best you can, like being kind and meeting new people

@Feelingdreadful22 @BuzzBeeEmoticon @Hiddenvoice @Metabigot @Bloomoon2 I'm sorry you feel/sometimes feel this way too. Also here to talk if ever needed ❤️ glad we have this platform which sometimes makes you remember you're not the only one going through all this.

@BlueWhaleBay @Heroicallyl0st I got told I was too sensitive A LOT as a kid. I felt invalidated and do my best to ensure anyone who confides in me doesn't feel this way. Sometimes these things remind me how I DON'T want to parent.

@Sunshinealways8 thank you for taking the time to share such kind words. My DP takes over with childcare a lot. I persevere but our DS will demand him constantly. I try not to take it personally as he is so young but it certainly doesn't help when I feel so rejected.

Thank you though. It's funny, I actually don't feel so bad about myself. I think I'm kind, thoughtful and good humoured but I don't think I'm well received by others and that can be difficult to manage. It's crazy - like I crave a feedback session with everyone I come into contact with 😆 'why don't you like me? What could I do better?'

Oh that’s difficult and horrible for you @Callmepale - and also quite a common experience with emotional neglect, to be labelled sensitive.

Your parents have perhaps labelled you sensitive because they were unable to tolerate their own feelings, so didn’t have space to let you have your feelings too.

Nicole Sachs talks a lot about this kind of childhood trauma in bitesize chunks on her Instagram account. And plenty of resources online to help you figure out what’s going on for you.

Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD might be worth a read too as he explains really clearly how emotional neglect in childhood can cause problems like emotional flashbacks in adulthood. Look up his website too as he has a lot of material on there.

I feel exactly the same sometimes. What has helped me is to question the thoughts. So, when I think that my friends don’t care about me because no one remembered that I had an important medical appointment I challenge that: is it actually true? What evidence do I have for that? Do I think about them all the time? No! Do I always remember if they’re starting a new job/got an appointment? No! It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, just that I’ve got my own stuff going on.

It’s easy to get into these habitual thoughts, especially if you weren’t cared for as a child. I have spent my whole life desperately wanting someone to just care for me. When they don’t appear to I feel panicky, and then I often play the victim. It’s purely because I never felt loved.

I’m embarrassed to admit this but I also have a list called ‘FACTS’ that I refer to when I feel like this. It’s the things that in my heart of hearts I know are true. Eg:

• My son loves me and wants to be near me because I am his mother
• My husband loves me and wants to be with me
• I have a job that I am good at
• I am a kind and thoughtful person

Etc etc.

When you feel negative, read the FACTS!

This made me really sad to read, you sound like such a lovely and kind person. I too have a son the same age as yours and that is difficult enough in itself! I sometimes find myself questioning if I’m enough for him, I think it’s totally normal. Some days he’s all me, some days it’s Daddy, some days it’s neither of us! I hope you don’t mind me saying but you come across like you have low self esteem and this could definitely contribute to your feelings of people not liking you etc. I sometimes have these feelings and I can get into a bit of a downward spiral and have to really try hard to change my mindset. Not much advice but just to say I can relate and I hope you feel better soon.

Me too. I was just thinking I wish we could know who felt like this in real life, but of course you can never tell!

Thank you for the recs @Heroicallyl0st really helpful.

Aw @EtnaVesuvius I actually have a list of affirmations a bit like this on my phone titled why I am a good mum. Definitely helps.

@lrosey I initially started talking about self esteem in my original post but wondered if that was quite right. I think I try my best to think of others, I'm modest and not too serious. I work hard and i try to be generous with my assumptions. I can't help feeling though that I am being perceived as phony or insincere or people just plainly don't like me. It's hard for me to accept this.

@Bloomoon2 perhaps I do need to print out and distribute feedback forms to everyone I encounter. Even all of you kind posters, I worry you're thinking 'stop whingeing!'

I started talking to my partner this eve about how I was feeling unwanted and disliked. He stopped me mid sentence and said 'thats not true, people like you and it's just a phase with DS'.

Don't know how to explain it but I just quietened down and didn't pursue the conversation any further. I felt shut down, like it was just a niggling little problem easy to fix. It's not what I wanted to hear but maybe I'm expecting too much.

I’m glad your DP takes over childcare a lot because that means you have time for yourself. However it also gives you more time to reflect and if you’re a naturally sensitive person, which I guess you are , i bet you reflect on the more negative side of life. So ninety nine good things may have happened that day but you will probably concentrate on the one bad thing that happened. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a little validation especially if you have done something great at work for example, but perhaps you are looking for it in the wrong places. If you aren’t getting it there and you feel you are being overlooked, then know your worth and look for a new job or ask your boss discreetly why you are being overlooked. You may be surprised at the answer.
Were you given lots of compliments as a child? How do you feel after having the baby as you said he was a surprise? Do you still feel good about yourself? My guess is when you were at school you were very good at art and have a keen interest in it which is why you enrolled in your class. Don’t let anyone stop you going but if that’s where you are getting your confidence from I would add another class you would love to take into the mix too.
You say your DS always goes to your DP but have you ever thought why? What does he do when he comes home from work? What is his mood like ? Compare that to yourself, what do you do after work and what’s your mood like? Just see if you can get some common ground between the both of you so you share your baby and don’t feel like your being left out. So you don’t want one always getting to play with the baby and the other does the mundane stuff like making the dinner and doing the washing etc.
Validation comes from within , so tell yourself everyday before you go to work that you will do the best you can and that’s all you can do and at the end of the day remind yourself how special you are. If you do it enough times you will start to believe and won’t need validation from anyone else.