Scared and very confused.

[Theautisticpenguin]

Hi, first of all im extremely stressed and beyond scared to post this as I'm scared of all the hate I'll get, I'm 26 years old male I've aspergers syndrome, bpd, self harm, suicidal idealation, dylxica (sorry for my spelling) survived 11 suicide attempts and am getting help and come from a cold abusive family.

OK that's the background done, I'm terrified about my actually gender identity as I find I feel more mentally happy being dressed in women's clothes in private. (Please don't hate me) my best friend knows and supports me and has helped me dress up in the past she's an angel to me. Theven materials are really nice and soft and wearing a bra is a bit like a hug across my chest. I also love the different soft textures I even use a female name when dressed up as it makes me more comfortable.

I find it helps me escape the pain I feel inside and it feels right and I don't really consider myself male or female, I feel really lost like being in between. I have asked my social worker and she told me it's "not her problem" and was rude and cold to me, I just feel so confused about it and overwhelmed with shame, guilt and just not know where I fit in. Does anyone have any advice please? I hope this makes sense and that you all have a wonderful day. Hugs

Why are you posting this on mumsnet?

Surely there are lots of dedicated forums you could approach?

Other than your social worker, are you receiving any other support, in particular for your mental health? They would be the right people to talk this through with.

It's great you have a friend who you feel supports you.

I would suggest finding local autism support where you are so that this is taken into consideration when seeking help.

I'm posting in mumnet because I don't know where else to ask, I'm sorry. I've been under psych doctor and been in psych ward twice, they keep going around in circles and it's confusing me greatly

What support can you access for your mental health?

To be fair there isn't much, I try and access different services but they are blaming covid for the lack of services and why they arent running, which is really soul destroying as you can see nurses and GP, I got out of the psych ward 2 months ago and haven't had a follow up by my pysch doc even thought I've tried to get into contact with him several times

I'm really sorry

It's worth mentioning that some autistic people are very sensory - some seek out different fabrics because of the feel of them and others like tight clothing again for the sensory feedback and how it helps calms them.

The not knowing who you are, asexual feelings, again are very common in some autistic people.

This is why I'd recommend reaching out via your local autism support group.

This link may help you:

www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/branches

That makes sense to me, also I'll definitely look up the group. I really enjoy soft texture and tight things like a hug almost

I'm not trying to appropriate anything, I'm unsure of my gender. I am trying to focus on my mental health it's been hard trying to access help though

“Focusing” on your gender- what is gender anyway, won’t bring you happiness or calm.

If some fabrics or feeling wrapped helps then do that knowing that it is a normal physical sensation, not indicative of some bigger drama.

The percentage of trans people (you haven't said you're trans, I know) who have ASD is higher than in the general population. I work in MH and I see it all the time. Whether it's sensory or part of feeling different to others, I don't know.

Keep trying to contact the psych doc, don't give up on that. I'm going to assume you are on meds so don't stop taking them either. Keep talking with your SW, but gender isn't something they can resolve for you, it's outside of their scope. However no harm in asking them to point you to local support groups that may help you or you can at least talk things through with. Lots of services have experienced cuts and there are waiting lists though, it's a pretty sad state of things.

There is a neurodiverse mumsnetters board so might be worth reaching out on there.

Gender is a hot topic particularly on Mumsnet and some women will feel very protective over their biological sex based rights. I have a lot of conversations with my neurodiverse young adult DC about this just so they can appreciate both sides. As a neurotypical woman, I define myself by my sex rather than my gender. Gender expectations change over time as well as in different countries, therefore different to biological sex. I hope that explains a bit more?

Anyway, I hope you are OK, keep reaching out to your team around you and if they can't help explore the questions you have ask for referrals to groups that can.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're feeling terrified and scared, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you need some reassurance. First off, i'm not an expert in this.

However, it's perfectly perfectly ok to feel confused about your identiy and gender and i'm sorry you have got to the point where you feel terrified or alone. What you do need is a safe space to talk to people who understand and can put you in touch with the right people who can help you. Please do get help if you can, even to talk your feelings through with someone. I've just had a look online and there are some places you can contact via mind.org that are LGBTQ friendly. They may have more experience of your situation.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/lgbtiqplus-mental-health/useful-contacts/

I'm hoping that you get more advice on here but if you don't perhaps try ringing Samaritans, they may also be able to put you in touch with a group of people who will listen and help you. I hope you can get all the help you need OP.

OP you don’t need to apologise or explain or anything to anyone. You are uniquely you and if something makes you feel good that is of no consequence to others then do it. There’s a million different ways to live and it’s ok to decide what suits you the best.

Thank you all for your support, it means a lot to me, I think im a crossdresser, my best friend told me she will love me no matter what, she sat me down and explained what both meant and broke down the information so I could understand it better. She said that it is OK that I crossdress and Wear make up, she warned me thought to be careful as some people might not like it and get mad at me. Me and my best friend used to date and it didn't work out but we stayed friends, we're really close and she looks out for me and trys to keep me safe, we look out for each other.