Other mum pressure - Anxiety

[Mimiandme]

Hi 👋,

I’m new to the site but was really hoping other mums can help me / maybe give me a reality check if needed 🙈.

I have a 2 year old, almost 3 little girl. My husband works a lot and I’m on my own for the majority of the time, I also work but only part time.

I have anxiety and to be honest since Covid, the lockdowns etc having to stay indoors has created this new kind of norm for me where I feel better either at home or just in my own bubble with my family.

I make an effort to go out every day with my daughter even if it’s just to the park, for a walk, just to get out and about. I know it’s probably normal for most people but even that for me makes me anxious but I do it for her.

When my husband is off we always go out for the day and do fun things as a family.

On the outside I probably come across as a bubbly, outgoing person but on the inside I’d rather hide away. I don’t feel or look the same since having my daughter and Covid definitely hasn’t helped.

I get invited to go out in groups with other families but it sends my anxiety through the roof. I’ve said I’d go just for a couple of hours tomorrow, my daughter still naps and my friends kids don’t so they said just to skip her nap but I really don’t like doing that, I like her routine and to be honest it helps me too.

Whenever I go out in a group setting I feel attacked with lots of questions, I feel like I’m being judged and I don’t enjoy being with other people for long periods of time 🙈. I think it’s because I’m on high alert and feel attacked, like pressure of making sure everything is perfect. I know nothing is perfect but I can’t help it.

I always seem to get alot of probing questions, questions I don’t ask them and I feel like I’m being tripped up. I can’t just let loose and relax, it’s always like is your child doing this, you should do that, my child does that, oh don’t go home we are all doing this etc. I feel like I’m back in school again and worrying about fitting in.

My husband says maybe they just like you and want you to have a nice time with them. I just can’t flip my mind set. Does anyone else gets anxious around other mums / do you feel the pressure for things to be perfect? I’m like this with all aspects of my life, my home, how I come across etc… im just so uptight! Please help… ❤️

Sounds like you have a group of friends who like you and want to spend time with you and get to know you better! Honestly the probing questions sound like normal chit chat. So many people would love to have this but it should ease the stress of life, not cause you stress.

Bear in mind that a lot of parents ask each other questions about their kids and parenting/lifestyle as a way of dealing with their own anxiety about things or for tips on how to cope with certain things eg sleep and bedtime routines/tantrums/feeding/getting out the house on time/good places to go etc.

And no one else is perfect, we all know this, even you and we all know it's fine - even you! Once I turned up at a picnic late, with no make up, no food, only one nappy and one of my children still in pjs. I just said "I've had a rough night and morning and it's a miracle I've made it here. Please can someone feed my kids and loan me a nappy, I need help today?!" My friends just laughed and chucked me a sandwich. I've done the same for many of them.

I would recommend you see your GP or a therapist regarding your anxiety as it seems to be getting in the way of you enjoying your life with your family and friends. This will help your daughter too, a support network will benefit both of you.

Not everyone needs or wants friends but if your anxiety is causing this barrier then it is a problem that can be tackled if you want to.

What I've learned about my anxiety in such situations, OP is that I didn't have to go out of my comfort zone just because I was a mother. Sometimes, you get enough social stimulation from home, work, and being with your baby. Being in groups with parents and prams is not really a natural thing to want to do at the best of times. Motherhood creates a lot of enforced friendships at a stage when you may be too tired to do people and friendships. Maybe, after getting through that hectic stage of getting little sleep, making sure your new walker doesn't fall over a cliff, and the endless breastfeeding at all hours, you just need to hang out with your little one and maybe, one other parent or none at all... just go to the playground together, the two of you. Do a playgroup once a week (though by DC3, even I was like 'Nope! No more watching toddlers fight to the death over a Little Tikes Cozy Coupe! I can't do it anymore." So, I stopped and spent my days out in a meadow with our dog and my youngest having picnics in the spring and summer. It was so much better for me.
Having children taught me a lot about who I am and what I need in order to be a less stressed, more giving parent. Being in groups or sitting around with other mums and prams eating layer cake in Cafe Nero wasn't for me, personally. Making a bunch of new friends was never who I was. And becoming a mother highlighted this. Make new friends and socialise on your terms OP. I think your anxiety isn't a sign of something that requires treating/fixing so that you can fit a square peg into a round hole. It's your body saying, "No. This is too much of a stretch for me. Let's dial it back and be more comfortable." Listen to your body. It's ok to not be a social butterfly.

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate it ❤️ X