How do you trust that you are better?

[SameKeyThough]

Just that really. I have just been through what you might call a breakdown (or rather a mental health crisis which I believe is the proper term). I've had problems with depression and anxiety my whole life really, first diagnosed and put on antidepressants age 19 (50 now). I've had 2 previous crises - one after my dad died in my twenties (mostly depression) and one when I was pregnant (mostly anxiety) and postnatally. They were all pretty horrendous and I spent some time in hospital (both NHS and private). Anyway the good thing is that after a hellish 9 months I'm feeling a lot better - I'm on quite a few medications but something seems to have clicked into place at last. But I just feel on edge still like I can't trust my own feelings anymore. It's like I'm waiting for things to go wrong again. I've had lots of setbacks this time round and I'm scared I suppose. I see people doing normal things like going on holiday, or to the pub, and I feel like I will never be "normal" and do "normal" things again. I feel like my world was turned upside down, and I just want to feel secure again. Has anyone else felt like this? Will it get better? Previously I just got better and that was that.

Hi I am no expert at all but just few things . Have you spoken to a gp or professional about how you feel . Timing wise was the hospital admission within last 9 mths . Do you have any support team in place after your admission? Or was that ages ago and medication was from gp.
Do you have any counsellor or anything ?

I can relate to the feeling normal feeling though 100% and seeing people happy etc and wanting to feel that . I also am on edge every day but for health anxiety .

Don’t want to turn this post into me though

I would suggest gp is first person to talk to or any other medical support team you have

Thank you for replying. I'm still under the care of my psychiatrist (private), and my gp does my prescribing. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in 2 weeks. But to be honest the professionals all say the same thing, they don't really understand what it's like to go through this. Are you having treatment for your health anxiety? That must be very hard.

Hi
Yes I know it hard but be honest with both gp and private and see what they advise . Might tweak medication or offer counselling

I referred to private psychiatrist as lucky have work medical insurance . I saw him earlier in year and he wanted to try medication but I refused as I only came off medication last summer . However I have been really bad since then so starting medication next week . Dreading it .

i had cbt but it’s paused just now when I start medication .

I am 50 also and this is worst I have been with anxiety . I have such irrational thoughts all time on my health and my children. Daily now .

Ellie x

Thanks, I might try and see my psychiatrist next week as my mornings are still pretty awful, the anxiety starts before I really wake up and I'm not really 'myself' until the afternoon. Then I have a good evening but it all comes crashing back the next day .Interesting that we are the same age. I have been wondering whether my hormones are the reason I'm not improving as much as I had hoped. Do you think that might be the case for you too? I have been scared to start hrt. What medication have you been prescribed?

Mornings are by far worst for me too. I wake up anxious every day and by evening some days I feel 80% normal and then back again every day .

i think hormones make it way worse as I must be peri menopause now at 50 . I don’t have that many physical symptoms though no hot flushes etc .

I have been prescribed escitalopram. Previously had citalopram for 6 years with mixed success . Came off it in 2021 as was feeling much better and was on really low dose anyway . However now much worse . They think I might do better with escitalopram as apparently it better for anxiety and ocd which health anxiety is similar too . I hoping it helps. Start this week . So scared

Which one are you on?

Yeah I know what you mean, it's like the wellness and stability feels precarious, as though the ground that everyone else thinks is solid as a rock, you now know is actually a thin sheet of ice that can break at any time.

My experience is that how precarious my recovery feels is actually a good reflection of how solidly well and stable I actually am. So if I feel like I'm mentally walking on thin ice, I pay extra attention to taking my medication regularly, and doing all the other things that I know help to keep me well.

clumping I can see your point about being an indication of how well you are doing. I think my feeling so insecure about my recovery was actually because I'm not as recovered as I thought I was. Having a major dip now, terrible anxiety again and just despairing of ever getting better really.
ellie * *I'm on citalopram 40mg, olanzapine 3.75mg, propanalol and lorazepam 0.25mg. So quite a lot of stuff really. Until this recent relapse I'd been plodding along quite happily on just citalopram 20mg. Now I feel like a walking pharmacy. And a big one at that, thanks to the olanzipine weight gain 😧

Don't despair, it's definitely possible to get better again. I've had more diagnoses than I can count on my fingers, several psych hospital stays spanning many years, several really bad episodes that were almost fatal, and I'm here and well. And I know lots of other people who are the same. And sometimes they get unwell again and need some help but then they go back and get the help they need. It's a pain in the arse but you definitely don't have to feel that this is how it's going to be forever.

Just as an aside, are you getting blood sugar checks while you're on olanzapine?

@SameKeyThough I think I understand how you are feeling. It is great that you are feeling a lot better. I remember thinking I was better but believing that having been through this illness I would never feel normal again and that I would just have to accept the "new normal". But then every so often I realised I was feeling more normal / better then I had been. That marker just slowly shifted over time.

I think the problem was I wanted it to be over. I wanted to say I was better and put it in the past, rather than just accept I was slowly going to get there.

@Elliejane I also have similar anxiety which is awful first thing in the morning and then by evening I feel almost normal. I am struggling badly with it just now but have had long periods of being better in the past.

@ClumpingBambooIsALie it is great to hear your positive outlook. I logically know it doesn't last forever as I have been out the other side before several times, but my brain finds it very hard to believe that when I am in the middle of these feelings and symptoms. I also need to learn to be more aware of things beginning to wobble again rather than waiting until it all crashes down around me and realising I let the self care and good habits slip. Any advice would be greatly welcomed!

Thank you all for some very reassuring words. I'm struggling to keep the faith today. I know that I am a lot better than I was when I was in hospital before Christmas. I'm better at calming myself when I feel those awful surges of anxiety and not spiralling into panic and despair (although that is never very far away). I'm overthinking everything though at the moment and that doesn't help. Current obsessive worrying - should I start hrt or might that make it worse?
clumping no one has seemed very concerned about my blood sugar, except me. I could ask my psychiatrist at my next appointment. I was hoping to start reducing the olanzipine soon but I think I'll have to delay that for a bit.

@Snowshower don't worry, I'm not so far into smug wellitude that I don't remember how irritating it is when people bang on about how it gets better… When I'm low, I either feel that things will and must always be how they are now, or that, if I do get better, I'll only get worse again after that, so what's the point anyway… I don't have any advice other than trying to recognise your patterns, because if you do that you'll have a better idea of how you can expect things to go, and it can help you feel more tangibly the fact that things do change and get better. I used a mood tracking app to do that, but you don't have to, you can just try to notice objective patterns outside of what your depressed brain tells you is the truth, IYSWIM?

@SameKeyThough I don't think you're at massive risk taking a low dose for a short time for anxiety, but IMO it's worth keeping an eye on. It's a really effective drug, but it makes sense to check it's not causing harm. (I'm a bit of an antipsychotic blood sugar evangelist, as you can tell ). If it helps you can tell the psychiatrist that you're concerned about blood sugar because you've heard about the research that shows it can change how your metabolism works, and you have a friend (me!) who developed type 2 diabetes in her twenties after a few years on olanzapine. I'm not trying to scare you and please don't come off it yourself — most people taking it for a little while are fine.