I think I'm toxic

[pridehouse]

I've lost nearly everyone in my life.

I was married but got divorced because he was abusive.

Every friend I've had, isn't my friend anymore.

My ex and his latest wife have called me toxic and I think they might be right.

I have nobody.

Why are you interacting with your ex and his latest wife? Be grateful that she's now the target (or soon will be) of his abuse.

The people you’re listening to at the moment hardly have your best interests at heart.

You need to start rebuilding you and ignoring them. What sort of things do you enjoy doing? What happened with your friends are you able to reconnect?

sorry you are feeling like this at the moment.

I don't interact with my ex.
We split up 11 years ago. The kids barely talk to him but they have both called me toxic and it seems to have spread.

My closer friend from school was working with me, she decided to leave and didn't tell me so I got a bit upset and she started calling me all the names my ex used to call me so I don't really want to go back to her.

Another friend I met through work just decided she didn't want to work with me anymore so I got fired cause they had no other work for me.

Next one was through work again. I became their supervisor and they didn't like it when I noticed when the job wasn't done properly so they sent me messages threatening me and my kids. I had to leave the job.

I made really really friends with my neighbour but that blew up yesterday when we had an argument cause I said I felt like she only spoke to me when she wanted something/a favour. And it turns out she was slagging me off to her other friends.

The fact you are saying you are toxic means you are not. People who are truly toxic think they are great and generally use others.
Maybe you are just finally putting up boundaries at last after being used and abused.
Genuine friends would not treat you like this. Often work friends are just that, friends you have at work.
If your neighbour is using you and you called her out, she might be miffed that you realised she is a user and not happy with that.
Try not to get so invested in others, do too much and give too much out of lonliness etc.
You probably can now start attracting healthier people to you. Stop caring what others think. If you truly are being toxic, you clearly have the awareness to stop. Good luck.

How do I make new friends. The thought of talking to people face to face terrifies me

What sort of things do you enjoy doing, you need to start with you and go from there, maybe a sport or an activity like art even a knit and natter kind of group.

I don't really like anything. I don't have any hobbies. I wake up, go to work, look after the kids and I get through the day feeling like I'm part of the family on the boxsets I watch

How old are your dc? Do you want to start developing your own interests?

Do you have a garden that could be a good place to start. Getting a dog is also a good way to talk to other people with no pressure, although you’ll be calling them ‘milo’s mum’ for at least 3 years before you get to know their name.

My children are 11, 13 and 14 so old enough to look after themselves.

I'm terrified of dogs.

I do have a garden and started taking interest in planting plants but they keep dying so I'm rubbish at that lol

Do you have a local gardening club? Your local NHS or council might organise health walks? What about a ladies craft or cookery club? To make friends you need to get out there and meet people and shared interests are often a good way to start.

I just remembered last week a flyer cane through my door about a new ladies only beginners cycle ride put on by the local cycling club to encourage women to join up. Anything like that?

Does it sound like I'm a toxic person to anyone?

Need to figure out why I can't keep friends

Op your ex is abusive and has rewritten the narrative of your relationship to make you out as the 'crazy' toxic one.

You have to remember that he's abusive and his current partner only has his word for what you're like so of course she believes what he says.

It sounds like you've set some boundaries with your neighbour, called her out and she's been defensive in response. She was a user who took advantage of you and didn't like it when you pulled her up on her behaviour.

In both scenarios you're not the toxic one. You need to do some work on your self esteem and create good boundaries. Learn the art of saying no to stop people taking advantage of you.

Refuse to listen to anything your ex says as it's just a continuation of his abuse.

Toxic people don't think of themselves as toxic or even consider if they might be so, no, you're not toxic.

What you might want to think about with complete honesty though is what happened with your closest friend, the friends from work and your neighbour. Could it be that they are all at fault, or are you a bad judge or character in your choice of friends, or do you bear at least part of the responsibility for the breakdown of the relationships? Maybe a good idea to talk to someone in a neutral setting (a counsellor or therapist) to get a balanced view.