Ruminating on how they did me wrong

[Fortboyard]

So, I really need to know how to move on when people have behaved in a shitty way to me. It is a recurring issue and probably why I keep ruminating on it as I’m trying to work out why I keep getting myself into the same situation time and time again.
This happens with female friends and work colleagues mostly. The scenario is that everything is jogging along nicely, I think I am a generous and giving person. Everyone seems to ask my advice, I often do favours for people, there are so many times I’ve bent over backwards and done more than could possibly be expected. I am happy to help others.
Yet, eventually, there comes a time when I need an often insignificant favour back. Eg. A work colleague’s mum was ill a while back I covered absolutely loads of her workload over a period of months to enable her to take lots of time off. I was glad to do it.
But, my f-in-law died recently (dh was away helping to care for his dad in the last days). I wanted to leave work a couple of hours early so I could be there for dc and tell them their grandad had died. This colleague told me she couldn’t help me out as she was ‘too busy’. She absolutely clearly was not busy and it was not onerous to cover, she only needed to basically keep my seat warm.
The exact circumstances vary, but basically this is the theme of my life. I do loads for people then ask for a small favour usually I am in a mini crisis when I ask and then it’s denied for some clearly spurious reason.
then I forever ruminate on it and it drives me effing mad.
Ive tried a couple of therapists but not made much progress.

I guess the first question is, why do you feel the need to "bend over backwards" to help other people? Did you learn as a child to equate giving with being loved and valued? It's good to help others within your means but it's equally good to have strong boundaries so that you are not taken advantage of. Have a look at this guide to core beliefs and see if it resonates with you;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

I'd also recommend a read of Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay.

Just accept that people are not always decent/kind/generous/helpful.

I helped a friend (I'd known her for 15 years) when she broke her arm then had cancer. I did a lot for her. I was very ill last year and in hospital for almost 2 months (no visitors allowed) but I'd been home for 2 months before she visited me (only because I'd contacted her). That was 10 months ago. I haven't heard a word since. Some people aren't worth bothering with

I was on a training course for work once, we had to fill out some test/form. Going through the results, the facilitator eventually went as far as telling me I was the patsie in the office, prepared to do anything for anybody. I hated that name so much, I started to evaluate whether it was really necessary for me to do the things I did, most of the time, it wasn't, so I stopped. I think maybe you should take a step back, and ask yourself if these people actually value you, or just use you.

Yeah, I get that some people can take the mick but usually when I help people I believe they genuinely need help and that anyone with an ounce of human feeling would do the same as me. Then when I’m the one who genuinely needs help, nobody gives a shit. I find it so hard to discriminate.
The even weirder things about all this is that (trying not to sound like a twat) I am confident and competent in work and life. But I think I often underplay my skills/achievements (I have lots going on outside work, good hobby/business on the side etc) just so other people don’t feel inferior. Like at work, I’d never ever tell someone to make me a coffee, even though there are loads of people who could/should do so iyswim, I just get one myself. I have now stopped asking if anyone else wants one now tho!

@Eyesopenwideawake thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll take a look

I do know I basically have shit boundaries but despite trying to work on them for years, still struggle with it. Soooo frustrating.

I do know I basically have shit boundaries but despite trying to work on them for years, still struggle with it. Soooo frustrating.

Sadly you will keep attracting the users and abusers if you keep on relentlessly giving too much of yourself.
Giving your time, advice, support, money and favours.
Some people are takers some givers. Aim to be neither.
If someone asks a favour for example, half offer it. Do not over give.
Then ask them a small favour later on. If they dont help ( when you know they could) never do a favour for them again.
I know its not good to be tit for tat, but the resentment and disapointment will just eat away at you.
If you are doing favours 'to be liked' then are they worth bothering with?
For example you could end up the person who always stays late at work, so others get to have fun/ go to appointments/ just abuse that.
You will get taken for granted and it will be expected of you all the time.
Dont you matter? Say no.
They will think more of you and you will attract less users to you.
It took me over 40 years to stop people pleasing. But I am older and do not give a damn about what people think of me now.