I'm a lone parent of 3, have been for the last 4 years when my youngest was just 6 months old. My ex left and caused chaos for 2 years when he finally did something unthinkable and he is no longer allowed anywhere near us. In the midst of all this, my Dad also passed away.
Since then I have rebuilt my life, I have a good career in a very supportive work place, I have friends, I make time to go out and do everything I'm 'meant' to do to improve my mental health. But I can't shake this feeling of severe loneliness.
I think about suicide daily, I could never do it though, because I am all my kids have and I could never hurt them in that way. I often fantasise that I'd get ill and die or that I'd get murdered so I couldn't be blamed for dying.
On the outside, I am this 'strong' woman. I'm confident and happy and just keep going no matter what is thrown at me. But on the inside I'm so desperately alone. I don't want to do it all, I don't want to be on my own. Every day is a battle. The kids are hard work, I'm pulled from pillar to post between caring for them, working, keeping the house clean etc. It all feels too much most days. I feel utterly trapped with no way out. Unable to end it because of my duty to the kids but just wanting this pain to stop.
I don't even know why I've wrote this thread, I just needed to write it. I need someone to know I'm not strong.