Just after a bit of advice, and in need to offload some thoughts and feelings I've been having.
I've been taking my little girl to the same baby group since she was 4 weeks old, she's 12 weeks today. When we first went, she cried a lot there but I just thought it was because she was so young and only had crying to communicate, she was also the youngest there, all other babies were 11+ weeks old. We missed the last 2 weeks as she has been unwell and in hospital but really started developing well with her coos and smiles, always 'chatting' away at home with me and my husband, but when we went to baby group yesterday she started off well, just sitting in my lap and looking around, playing on the mat by kicking her legs and some smiles for me, but quickly started to cry a lot again, she's been like this at every baby group with her crying and getting grumpy, sometimes it's because she has been fighting nap time all morning or didn't finish her feed before leaving etc, and I try and plan how to get that all in before we go but it never goes to plan! Yesterday I know it is most likely because she is uncomfortable due to the antibiotics she has been on, but I just feel like they all hate me and her coming to the group because she always cries and kicks off. Why could she be doing this? Is it overstimulation? She is lovely at home and I want them to see that side of her, but she just cries whenever we're there instead of being her happy self and it's making me paranoid they think I'm an awful mother. The group is run by a health visitor and she hasn't said anything to me about it, she even watched my daughter while I went to the toilet after group and she was all smiles and cooing at her then! I just don't know how to help her be more comfortable around a group of people with babies. At home it's just me and my husband, so the house is pretty quiet anyway, but we've always got background noise from the TV or daily chores like hoovering etc, so it's not silent, I just feel like I'm raising her wrong and I'm feeling low about it, I think a lot is getting to me at the moment as she has been unwell and in hospital, so I'm just doubting my ability to be a good mum. She was in with a urine infection so i keep thinking that was my fault, I should have taken her sooner but with the heatwave hitting, we weren't sure if it was the heat or if she was unwell, once it cooled down the next day i just knew something was wrong so took her to the GP for an emergency appointment and then to pediatric until, where they kept us in for 3 days due to her symptoms and age. She is better now, but the antibiotics have given her a bad belly, so she is super uncomfortable with it at the moment and I just feel like the worst mother.
On top of that, my husband and I have been arguing about his mother, as she has, and is, an awful person to me, she has physical and verbally assaulted me in the past, and is just a nasty, evil, narcissist and I'm so upset he let her back in our lives after everything she has done to me and him, it feels as if he is OK with what she has done and is using the excuse that she is our daughters nan, I don't think that justifies what she has done, and will inevitably will do as she hasn't changed. I feel physically unwell a few days before she visits, and mentally unwell all the time knowing she is coming up. We have never argued in the 12 years we've been together, but now we have and it's always about her. He has asked me to try, after letting her back in without discussing it with me at all, and I just think it's a lot to ask of me. I don't want to upset him, but I just think he shouldn't have allowed her to come back, for our daughters sake, as she deserves better than growing up around such a toxic person. She always makes snide comments about me anyway, and I know these will continue and she will poison my daughter as she grows up, with these awful lies and comments about me. I find myself waiting for her to fuck up (as my has claims she won't have another chance but I struggle to believe this as he always let's her worm her way back in), or for her to drop dead (I know this is an awful thought but at least she would be out of our lives for good) and it isn't helping my mental health and anxiety at all. I mentioned it to my health visitor yesterday, and she said it actually sounds like domestic abuse from his mother, and I don't think I thought about it like that. I'm just so sad my has is allowing this to happen, but keeps saying he can't do anything as she 'hasn't done anything this time, yet'. Should I let this continue, how do I get over what she has done to us in the past, or should I even have to forgive and forget?
All I want is for my daughter to grow up happy, safe and healthy, ideally with a happy mum and dad, but so far it's only with a happy dad and I don't feel that she is safe around his mother, as I don't feel safe and comfortable around her at all.
Sorry for the rant and long post, I'm just feeling so lonely and like a shit mum, I jus don't know who or where to turn to, or how long I should give his mum if I keep feeling like this ☹️. I don't want my husband to be cut off from the rest of his family, but if I tell him I'm done with his mum then he would be and I don't know if he would even stay if I'm the cause of this family breakup.