Anxiety and low confidence

[Marluuu]

Hi all, I recently really struggle with anxieties. I’ve always had low confidence issues, but it got worse in the last years (turning 40 now). I mainly struggle because I am terrified of doing something wrong, failing, or what other people think of me. And it pushes me over the edge if I’m being accused of something that wasn’t my fault (e.g. my boss criticises something about work they think I’ve done, but I know that a colleague has done this particular piece of work, or even some really silly things like a stranger confronting me for thinking I jumped a queue when I didn’t).

I left two jobs in the past two years because I couldn’t cope (although objectively no one had an issue with my work and my boss didn’t want to see me go) and I consider leaving my current job because of a minor issue yesterday. I used to get on well in this job, I work long hours and overtime (partly because I want to avoid shortfallings as much as I can)and my boss regularly tells me how much they appreciate me.

I also find it harder and harder to leave the house, and want to avoid contact with strangers as much as possible out of fear of being criticised for something (I’m ok meeting friends and can be quite sociable when I’m with them, but I fear interactions with a cashier in a corner shop, funny enough).

A year ago, I self-referred to local mental health services and they arranged CBT group sessions for me, but it didn’t really help me. Objectively I know that my anxiety is illogical but I can’t help it….any advice? Shall I go back to my GP and push for further treatment?

Also, when I say ‘my boss criticised me’, it’s something like ‘great stuff, but would you mind looking at this last page again, I think XXX doesn’t quite hit the mark’. So nothing drastic at all, things were normal people would reply ‘sure, thank you’. No reason at all for me to feel upset about it, but here I am…

Yes, your anxiety is illogical but that doesn't make it any less real and uncomfortable. The fear of 'not being good enough' which is the core belief you're describing probably started in childhood - maybe because it was learned behaviour or maybe because you were overly criticised or never praised; both are equally damaging. So your subconscious mind set up a defence mechanism to keep you safe by keeping your head down, avoiding conflict and never taking risks. All these strategies were useful, or even necessary when you didn't have a voice but now they are holding you back and making you unhappy.

Have a look at this guide to core beliefs, I think it will make a lot of sense;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

Hi Marluuu,

A lot of what you said hit a chord with me. I have struggled with similar things.

I don't really have any answers, but just wanted to say you are not alone.

I did try a bit of CBT stuff and while it wasn't amazing, I did find a few parts that seemed to make sense. Similar to the link that from PP on core beliefs and stuff on negative thinking.

I am considering revisiting the CBT online workbook I did as I might get more from it now coming from a slightly different mindset about it.

Thank you both for the replies 🌸

@Snowshower @Marluuu I'd be interested to know why you didn't like the CBT work? I've had low confidence and low mood for years and am currently studying to become a cognitive behavioural hypnotherapist (partly to help myself!) and find it is very helpful.

Studying is (IMHO) so much more effective - you have the time to absorb all the information and practice techniques in your own time. Are you doing the Kain Ramsay course?

@MaryVee

I think it was a combination of different things for me, one being the timing. I was offered some when I was in a particularly bad place mentally and I was not able to make the most of it. I was in a very negative head space and very sceptical of the process and unwilling to open up.

When I am in a better head space I have a tenancy to try and block out and ignore my issues and so don't want to engage with anything that reminds me I have mental health difficulties. I just put my head in the sand.

I also find it extremely hard to open up to people generally and to give honest personal answers. For example when asked on a scale of 1 to 10 how I was feeling this week, I panic about what the "right" answer is. I tended to just say one higher than last week as I thought the therapist would be happy that we were making progress.

I am coming round to the idea that some sort of therapy could be very beneficial for me. I also now realise turning up to the sessions is not enough and I will need to put in the hard work.

I have recently turned down private counselling as money is quite tight and I feel I would put myself under unnecessary pressure to make it successful because of the cost. I also have low self esteem and do not feel I "deserve" any more NHS help above what they have already done for me as I did not make the most of the opportunities I have already had.

@MaryVee

Like I said, some parts like negative thinking styles I really saw in myself. I got to a stage where I could recognise the negative thinking, but really struggled to challenge it.

Similarly with the core beliefs. I understood
the idea behind it and it made sense logically. But couldn't apply it to myself as I couldn't accept that my core beliefs were incorrect. I truly felt (feel?) that I was (am??) Worthless, /un loveable / a failure or whatever. I found the challenging part impossible.

@MaryVee i like the idea of CBT, but my problem was that everything made perfect sense for me intellectually, but I still felt the same. It was like my head knows exactly what the solution is and that there’s no reason to feel bad, but that didn’t translate into me actually feeling not bad. But maybe I need to give it more time…

@Snowshower @Marluuu

Have a look at this Ted Talk on how not to feel anxious about anxiety - I think you'll find it useful.