I can’t deal with anymore people “talking”

[Aisukuriimu]

I know there’s a lot of current media and messaging telling people to talk about their problems regarding mental health but I can’t help feel like the same people are always chosen to unload on to. The kind, approachable, caring, trusting types.

I wouldn’t say I’m sick of dealing with peoples problems but it’s just getting a bit much having to deal with multiple people over years and years having the same conversation over and over with them all when they don’t want to help themselves. I have no professional idea of what is going on with them or what I’m supposed to do or say.

Do people not think of this before they unload their problems once a week for a one hour phone call that I’ve heard so many times? I don’t have time for this now I have my own family. It’s exhausting and just passes the energy burden on to someone else. I feel so guilty for feeling this way but I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know what the answer is.

The answer is to stop enabling them. So if they ring dont pick up. If you do pick up then you say Ive only got 10 minutes. After 10 minutes you say gotta go bye! And hang up.

I found my brain space shrank massively when i had dc and tbh its never really got better. But im not responsible for other adults - im responsible for myself and my dc. I just dont have the spoons to deal with others.

Stop feeling guilty. Clearly these people dont feel guilty dumping on you so feel free to show them the same regard.

Are these family members or friends?
The problem is, for most people with mental health difficulties, is this is what they fear from people- draining them. So if they find someone they can trust they tend to turn to them.
At best you can listen and advise GP/Samaritans or counselling if you can’t handle it. I’m sure it’s draining but if you can’t do it, then you can’t

I think just be clear that you don't want to hear it.

It will lose you some friends as obviously people don't want one sided friendships but I'm guessing what you want, ideally, is fair weather friends?

People you do stuff with occasionally and have light conversation with but nothing deeper?

There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you're clear with people.

I struggle with depression and the one thing that does my head in is friends who say all the right things about how any of their friends can come to them any time, they're always there etc but if you do, they don't want to know.

Makes me want to scream. Just be honest about what you're really offering. Yet I guarantee that the day I commit suicide, they'll be all over facebook waxing poetic about 'why didn't she just reach OUT?' I fucking did!

I think the key really is honesty. If you don't care and don't want to listen, say so. If you always listen and pretend to be supportive, they'll just keep thinking it's all OK.

I worked in social care for 10 years, I listened to so much crap from self absorbed individuals that when I left I decided that I will never listen again to peoples verbal shite unless it is someone I really really love.

I think some just like to chat, with me, I prefer to run ideas through by myself, as usually others are too busy

If it's the same people could you tell them you need some time to focus on your own mental health, and problems and suggest their GP for some CBT or the Samaritans if they need to talk? It doesn't sound like they're at any imminent risk of harm if this has been going on years.

I'm practical (I had a few years of not) so I usually like to find solutions to help make life better.

However I've realised people usually just want to be listened to. Nothing else.

If you're at limit, do what you need to do. You don't need to be overly invested.

That's not fair to say that the OP is only after fair weather friendships. Her job isn't everyone's therapist and she is allowed to not want everyone offloading all the time. If you have depression it isn't on your friends or family to resolve.

If you are feeling suidical, a professional is what you need, the Samaritans are there for you on 116 123.

Disengage and detach! Signpost to professionals. And dont worry about their reactions. As you can see from notanotherwindow many lack empathy for anyone but themselves

I think there is a balance to be found between not ever listening to a friend's problems and having to endure the same problem being recycled on loop in hour long conversations over many months / years with no attempt being made to deal with the problem. I think most people would have an issue with the later. I certainly would. I think my tolerance would also depend on the extent to which the other person would be prepared to listen to me if I was feeling bad.

Surely you knew you'd have to listen to people's "crap" when applying for a job in social care...?

Why were they self absorbed? Because they had problems?

This. I think these campaigns can really lack nuance. Yes, if someone is depressed and struggling they should ideally talk to someone and not suffer in silence. But that doesn’t automatically mean whoever they choose will be able to help.

There are also different levels of sharing - which again is a nuance really missing from these campaigns.

Tell them you’re very depressed and see if they’ll listen to you for hours.

When they complain about something, agree and say you have the same problem/feel the same as them.

It will dawn on them you’re not as strong as they think to withstand hours of moaning daily.

They need professional help.

except... I think there's a huge difference between opening up to friends and offloading onfriends. I think friends can be good to open up to but it is so wrong to offload on them. However depressed you are, they are not medical professionals. They can;t advise, they can;t really help. telling them for hours how bad you feel just leaves them feeling utterly drained too. I have suffered depression all my life. I have also had two friends with the same problem. they both offload. I don;t. I keep my friends. They lose theirs. I used ot sit for hours, listening to them going on and on and on, thinking: I feel exactly the same, actually - same symptoms, same difficulties with work, home, life. But you never stop to ask how I am.

Depressed people who offload are so selfish. They treat others as vessels to pour their woes into. It temporarily helps them feel better but doesn't change anything.

So friends are 'there' in the sense you can open up and say: 'I'm having a depressive episode. That's why I'm not around much/ don't feel up to helping you on your charity stall/keep forgetting to return your ladder - my brain has turned to mush. Is it OK if I get back in touch in a month or two when I'm better?' Then they can understand, make accommodations, maybe help out in some practical way.

But not the equivalent of pages of unparagraphed self pity, torrents of dangerous suicidal thoughts. Friends are humans too. They need breathing space.

Was that not part of your job description in a caring profession?

However I do understand that you possibly witnessed / experienced people not taking responsibility to make any changes (if they could?) to enhance their own life?

I have been on both sides of this, OP, it’s totally understandable you feel like this.

I think you could try saying to your friends they could ask if you have the emotional or mental space/energy to listen to them right now, and if you say you don’t then they need to speak to someone else or a professional.

Explain you want to be there for them but listening is something you do actively and sometimes it’s exhausting, which isn’t good for YOUR mental health or emotional wellbeing. It’s also not really giving them what they need either.

I have identified “friends” where this isn’t reciprocated or mutual over the years. We all go through ups and downs but we are not someone else’s emotional skip - to get dumped on as they discharge their stress and then feel relieved. I have stepped back from these types of “friends” and I am aware that I often attract these types so I am more cautious when I meet someone new not to be so accommodating.

Of course listen support and encourage other friends who aim for a balanced relationships over time. But I am aware of the takers

I did it for years, everyone looked to me for advice but no more. I became totally drained and exhausted with it all. l have stepped away.
We are all responsible for our own well being, l moved heaven and earth to help myself , to educate and empower myself during hard times, l didn't impose myself on anyone. Most people just seem to want relief, as in offloading on others yet doing absolutely nothing about it, rather than a cure, which involves hard bloody work and alot of discomfort.

I have this issue with my mother. She repeats the same things all the time problems with her neighbours and my brother. 1hr 30 average call. I think it helps her to have someone to talk to so I just let her talk. I'm so busy and there is a lot I need to do but I'm not sure what the alternative is.

Is the person going through a situation that will change or are they talking about something permanent? I had nearly a year of this with a friend who was in a bad situation, and it was frustrating as she'd just unload for about an hour every time I saw her but she didn't seem to be doing much to change the situation and we'd not talk much about anything else. However, she's a good friend and the situation did change and I know she'd do the same for me.
There's something about recipricosity over time and guarding your own mental health in these circumstances. Can you say, ' look, I'm sorry you're feeling shit, I am too. I'm overwhelmed with housework, kids etc and I just need (whatever you need - a break from this, some fun, a laugh, not to listen to any more problems).
I used to be a magnet for drain people when I was younger but as I got older I've learned to avoid friendship with some of the most difficult to deal with people and be kind of boundaried with others, hopefully without loosing compassion.

Lots of campaigns on TV and raising awareness about mental health problems. Urging people to talk about it. That is not a bad thing. If you're just feeling low sometimes a good chat with a close friend can lift the spirits .
That's no good though if you ar suffering seriously from clinical depression. Then you need proper professional help, a chat with a friend can't help you x

Yes I agree with this, and I generally hear these campaigns reaching out to people in extreme crisis and on the brink of suicide. Which isn't the same as someone looking for an offload. Or with no awareness that this is what they are doing. Take a bit of time to think about what you want out of relationships OP, and listen to yourself talking about how out of depth you feel when dealing with them. That's totally ok. Your family is your priority, you have children who you are responsible for. You are not responsible for any other adult, no matter how much they are insinuating that they are.