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Mental health

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Original poster

Art therapy - Just had a FLOOD of memories.....

17 replies

MoreSpamThanGlam · 18/01/2008 13:41

I have been doing art therapy for a few months now, and at one point I brought in a postcard of a piece that I had seen at the Tate Modern. it is a very small and insignificant piece that I had seen a long time agao, but I could never get it out of my head. Its of a sash window, a view to a building opposite with light that comes in and hits the floor.

Recently my art therapy has gone from flowers and pretty to charcoal. My last piece was a very rough house with no windows downstairs and just me looking out. The house was on fire and my Mums favourite flowers 9that i hate) were in the garden.

Akk week i have felt panicky (I am even having an ecg on Monday ffs). I got in today and just started drawing a window, which became my window that my bed was next to when i was little and I used to hide behind the curtains. I can now remember my stepdad finding my ankles. I can smell the stench of drugs and my mum off her head drunk. I dont want to type any more because you will think I am disgusting and you would be right.

But here I am left with these memories. I feel like my art therapist has sent me to room 101 and shut the door behind me, and she will only come in once a week.

I dont want these memories anymore. I think I should just not go anymore. (Here goes my panick attack again, im so dizzy).

I wish I had never gone.

What the hell do I do with these fucking memories now?

OP posts:

Original poster

MoreSpamThanGlam · 18/01/2008 13:45

OP posts:

kkgirl · 18/01/2008 13:48

So sorry that the art thepary has bought up these memories.
I don't know what to say to help you so hope someone else comes along to offer better advice, just wanted you to know that I was here.

Try and concentrate on getting over the panic attack, I know it is hard but it will pass. Later on when you feel calm, you can focus on the therapy, and whether you should go again.

Be strong

JossStick · 18/01/2008 13:55

You are not disgusting.

lulumama · 18/01/2008 13:59

sadly, as with any therapy, things get worse before they get better. you need to get these memories out of your head and dealt with, so tehy lose their hold over you.

you are part way through a process now, that takes time, and energy, stopping now will not allow you to resolve things

you need the support to work through the pain, and if you feel your therapist is not doing that, perhaps you could discuss it, and talk about coping strategies?

i don;t think you are disgusting

i thikn you are hurting and wounded, and need nurturing and support

buzzzybee · 18/01/2008 14:02

must be horrible to have flashbks like that. i suffer with palatations n been for ecg panic attacks are so nasty. You are not disgusting

mellowma · 18/01/2008 14:03

Message withdrawn

Boco · 18/01/2008 14:10

It's such a courageous process you're going through - and it sounds very frightening and very painful - i don't know, but i'd guess that these memories surfacing is a really positive thing in the long term - stick with it and carry on as hopefully you will find a way to deal with them - although I can see how daunting that must be.

No one would think you're disgusting, you're not, you sound brave and I hope you're Ok.

hellobellosback · 18/01/2008 15:47

I've just started art therapy, and I find it quite odd. For the time being there is nothing theraputic about it at all and I find it very very frightening. I hate going there, and I don't like other people to see me so upset. A lot of the time I just feel terribly guilty.

Sometimes memories can be hard to deal with. It can help though to bring things out into the open to shed a bit of light on them. Once these things can be seen for what they are they can become less scary. That's the theory anyway!

mellowma · 18/01/2008 16:11

Message withdrawn

Tnog · 18/01/2008 16:22

You're going through a very painful process, facing locked-away memories, that's incredibly difficult and frightening for you.

You're ultimately not alone and your therapist will be able to give solid advice and support, you will find a way through, eventually.

Original poster

MoreSpamThanGlam · 18/01/2008 19:03

Thank you for your responses. I spoke to my therapist and pretty much she agreed with everything you have all said. I just wasnt prepared. I am doing a 9 month "course" on a 121 basis, so no place to just go and have a cup of tea.

I feel so completely broken and realised that my whole life I have been papering over the cracks.

I have made myself stupidly busy this week and for the last 2 days I have been eating to the point where I am in pain. I truely am disgusting.

I just feel that my last 30 years have been a joke - and there was me thinking I was a survivor. I want to slap the girl that was me.

OP posts:

Tnog · 18/01/2008 19:08

Glam, please, you're not disgusting.

You're struggling right now and feel a lot of hurt and pain deep, deep down, but you're facing it all head on at the moment and with time you'll come to find some inner peace and gain some form of closure.

The therapy is working, stick with it and I wish you well on your journey

Danae · 18/01/2008 20:03

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paperchain · 18/01/2008 20:15

Morespamthanglam - a similar thing happened with me. I wont give the details here. But it highlighted for me a similar violation.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad atm. I know only too well what you mean by the weekly visits to room 101.

If it will help to talk off board then do CAT me. Meantime {{{{{{}}}}}}

Original poster

MoreSpamThanGlam · 18/01/2008 21:03

All of you - thank you so so much.

Danae - You have hit a raw nerve that again I never knew was there (am crying like a pathetic adult!)

Might you be able to have some conversations with that little person, tell them that you know they are terrified, ashamed, confused,but you the adult are now here to protect them and at last be on their side, in a way that your mother should have done but failed to do?

I do feel like I have let myself down in a way, neglected who I was, left her. And today she has come back like a ghost, wanting answers.

Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you.

(((((((Paperchain)))))))

OP posts:

Danae · 18/01/2008 21:57

Message withdrawn

Sakura · 20/01/2008 02:36

Glam, you are going to feel so much better after all the pain of the memories have reached their peak. They will taper off and only visit you sometimes as a reminder of how far you have come.
You are NOT disgusting. You were a little girl who coped the best she could under unbearable, desperate circumstances. Danae is right about caring for that little girl you once were. Your mother wasn' there for you, so you go back to that memory you had and then in your mind do what you would have done if you had been the mother in those circumstances. Pat the little girl, stroke her hair, give her a hug and a kiss and tell her everything is going to be okay. Or stab your step dad in the eyes with the scissors on your bedside table...
As a little girl you were vulnerable and were taken advantage of. This is NOT your fault. I don't know if you have a daughter, but if you do, just look at her and you will know that it was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to alter the behaviour of the abusers in your life. If you don't have a daughter, look at a friend's daughter and see how gorgeous and innocent and perfect little girls are- all of them, and you were too.

I love the ghost analogy, I think that is a very insightful comment. You sound very strong- you're going to be fine.

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