Can't do therapy, just clam up. What next?

[SynchOrSwim]

I referred myself for therapy using IAPT a couple of times but I just didn't know what to say and found it excruciating. I feel on edge all the time and I'm not sure where I go from here. It was the GP who said to refer myself via IAPT when I filled in their online form. I just can't seem to do talking but I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it together. I'm pretty much either at work or looking after a child all the time so there's no time to fall apart.

How long did you try counseling for, how many sessions? It takes time to build up trust.

Just talking about why you can't talk would be useful. You don't have to move into the main issues at the start.

Other things you can try are art, music, focused meditation, journaling/writing. You can phone Samaritans or try online/text counseling.

Twice. Different person each time. I just can't say anything, it just felt too awkward.

All those other things sound lovely but they require free time. I just feel overwhelmed and stuck.

Try therapy by text msg?

Are you ND? Direct questions are difficult, probably true for trauma too.

I had therapy once as a student & asked about the stones on the table and she said a lot of people struggle to talk, so hold the stones and play with them. So it's not uncommon.

Some counsellors do therapy by email, but you might have to go private for that.

I've never been diagnosed with anything but I personally think there's a strong chance I could be ND.

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable texting/emailing either. The thought of my secrets being sent out into the world in written form makes me really uncomfortable.

What do people do if therapy doesn't work out for them?

I have found this technique of journaling an absolute godsend! It's helped me so much with anxiety and chronic pain, and just become much more balanced. I'd definitely check out Nicole Sachs' work - she uses journaling as a way out of chronic pain, but her work really applies to everyone, and is all about learning to express our true feelings, and know that it is safe to feel them, without her judgement. Lots of patience and self compassion for yourself etc. She has a fantastic podcast, but her YouTube channel explains the journalspeak technique. I think it could be a big help if you're finding talk therapy too much.

How many sessions with each counselor? I'd expect a good few before opening up is normal. Could you speak at all?

My view is try it for longer, or try journalling/drawing and then burning it if you are worried about it existing.

I have had loads of counseling - it was difficult at first but worth it.

It depends on what you want the therapy for, more than anything else. For example, if you’re struggling with day to day functioning then skills based courses, such as those that help with managing overwhelming emotions or supporting self care, might be better. If you need somewhere to vent or share difficult things then dedicated journaling time using the time when you would be in therapy might suit you. If it’s trauma then EMDR, a type of therapy which helps process trauma through eye movement but in which you never have to say the trauma out loud, is available through the NHS.
There’s a variety of options out there, some of which are available through IAPT, some of which are offered through other local services (Google “recovery college”) and some of which need further referrals; in some areas EMDR is offered through IAPT but in most areas it needs a referral to secondary psychological/MH services.
I’m a student MH nurse, just so you know. Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you.

I clammed up in therapy too. Took me 6 months of weekly sessions to move past small talk and bitching about my coworkers.

He was aware that there was a history of sexual abuse as I told him so in the first session and that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I didn't know him, I didn't trust him. The relationship had to be built. I couldn't open up just because he was a therapist, trust doesn't work like that.

2 years in, I'm talking about it and making rapid improvement.

It's worth sticking with for a few months, you can't expect so much from yourself on a first session.

Seems to me that maybe you should go in, as you would to a complex doctor appointment, with a list of things you want to discuss. It's possible that the two people you saw weren't a good congenial match for you, but it's also possible that you just didn't give it enough time.
I hope you consider trying it again, because it's worthwhile just to get over that "hump" of talking.
Good luck.