Functional suicidality

[JustAsking90]

I have thought about suicide most days since I was 10 years old. I'll never do it but if I could just switch "off" on life without any pain and without upsetting anybody I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm not actively depressed. Well, maybe at a low level but not cripplingly so. There are many aspects of life I enjoy. But it all just seems a long, hard slog with so much unavoidable pain. Does anybody else feel this way?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]

We've moved this to our Mental Health topic now. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

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Thanks everyone.

Yes. I'm not sure if its an OCD thought of mine though.
I wouldn't do it, but do think about it often.

Are you feeling OK though? I just feel its a responsible thing to ask. Also, do you have safeguards in place if this thought becomes more appealing?

I think this is called passive suicide and is a red flag for depression. You need to see GP.

I think you probably are depressed if you’ve been thinking about taking your own life/feeling like this. I wouldn’t say it’s normal to wish you could turn life off. I have no experience but I’d be heartbroken if my DD said this to me. What do you mean by ‘unavoidable pain’?

I’d see a G.P as this can’t be a pleasant feeling/ you’ve nothing to look forward to. I hope some posters are able to offer better advice.

I can relate to this.

it’s really hard to describe but your post is almost it.

i have a really nice life; happily married, amazing kids, comfortable financially but I find every day so fucking tough.

I take medication for anxiety and it definitely helps with the physical symptoms but not the mental side.

like you, I KNOW I’d never do anything but the only time I feel my mind will truly rest will be when I die. It’s depressing but im not depressed - been to many therapist's.

you have my sympathies - it’s a hard life to live when you feel like you do.

I feel like this.
I am going to struggle to put this into words but yes, for my sake only if that the was the only person I had to think of, I often, perhaps a few times a week think about how I would press the end button if it was possible and painless. I kind of don't understand why someome wouldn't, which probably says a lot of how pointless I think life is.
Like when posters above talk about enjoying things. Well yes, some moments of my life are enjoyable but they're fleeting, and overall outweighed by boring/drudgery parts, or overthinking, and I don't think these more enjoyable moments give my existence any actual purpose.
This is how I see things but I am sure anyone who knows me would be quite shocked. I am a fairly cheerful person.
The other thing I keep coming back to is that we all have to go any some point anyway so surely by going now I would save myself a lot of future grief and inevitable heartache and struggles.

I can totally relate OP. I'd never contemplate suicide but I have found living very hard and painful.
Wish I had some advice.

Go talk to your Gp. This can be quickly resolved through medication or more slowly through counselling. Sertraline made a huge difference to me, although I had to overcome my own negative feelings around medicating.

I completely get it. A desire to just switch off life. Mine has been made worse by PMDD.

I have children, I know I'd never purposely take my life, I would just rather not HAVE to live sometimes.

I take anti-depressants which does help regulate my mood somewhat.