I don't think my life is going to get better (mention of abuse)

[Phoenixwings1989]

My DH told me today that he thinks I spend too much time living in the past, that I need to start living in the future and how irritable I am.

He's got a point.

When I was a teenager I thought those were the worst years of my life. I made a statement against my brother's dad at 13/14 for sexually abusing me for three years of my life. My mum took his side and later started a relationship with him again. I cut contact many years ago and she still wonders why now and blames my DH for controlling me. Sure.

Someone who I thought of as a mother decided to start a new life in Australia with her husband and baby six months earlier which I have not got over in truth and still grieving for the relationship that was although we are still in touch. I was assigned a Teaching Assistant who arrived on the scene shortly after she left and I became attached to her even though I didn't want to.

I guess back then I still had a chance. I had friends, some sort of a social life but fast forward twenty years later I am autistic, have possible ADHD and a diagnosis of MS. I never had a chance to form a career apart from being a writer which I spend my time kidding myself is of any worth. I have no references due to the length of time I have left school and couldn't gain employment due to my issues. I just don't think I want to be here anymore when I am nothing but a nuisance and a drain to so many people.

I love DH and DD dearly but I am suffering and don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm tired of lying to myself.

Have you been to speak to a gp or anyone yet about your feelings?

Life can be so hard but you are not alone in feeling this way . Please get some help x

@Elliejane All I have done is talk since I was a teenager - to GPs who prescribes meds, to counsellors who nod bit don't know how to respond, to psychiatrists who tell me to move on and get over it and the list goes on. I am learning nobody really cares, the system doesn't nor does the outside world. I'm tired of talking. It doesn't get me anywhere and I end up feeling worse.

As an autistic individual who has ADHD and was abused as a child I completely agree that taking therapy and generic meds are useless.ADHD causes emotional dysregulation and sensitivity to rejection so it doesn’t sound like you’ve gotten to, or been supported with, a key issue in relation to your MH.

Talking ADHD meds have transformed my well-being so I’d prioritise addressing that first. If you dont have any suitable employment references starting volunteer work would solve that issue.

If only it was that simple. Most places ask for references now when volunteering at places.

It’s the route I took when I was in your shoes so it really could be that simple. Happy to discuss more if you’d like to peruse this route and need support.

I'm glad you were able to access volunteering as a starting point. I have tried numerous organisations and they keep asking for references which I don't have, so not sure how I would be able to do the same.

I would suggest that you contact 127LMS privately for more support as they are offering you genuine insight based on their own experiences. By continuing to push back against people that are trying to help you are showing that your DH might be right about your attitude to things. I dont mean for that to sound harsh.

Make use of any support like this from people that can help!

I do not mean to appear that way so I am sorry it does :(. It is my experience though.

You don't need to apologise, I was just saying that 127LMS might be able to offer genuinely useful information and help, make use of it while it's there rather than just assuming it won't be of help. You aren't alone, but you do need to allow people to help you x