Psychodynamic therapists choice of question

[EL8888]

Partner and l have been having issues in our relationship so are having some couples therapy. This is partly being driven by our ongoing fertility issues -therapist knows this. Last night was our 3rd session with her, l felt like she was on my case a lot during the session and was picking a lot at what l was saying. Then for an encore she wanted to know what our thoughts were around parenting our child. Im still raging. I think it was a cruel, hurtful and pointless question to ask someone with no children and obvious fertility issues. We have been trying for 4 years now, 2 rounds of IVF and 6 rounds of Clomid but nothing. I’m past 42 so pretty much out of time. Weirdly how we would parent our imaginary child isn’t top of mind right now. Especially when we are theoretically meant to be doing 3rd / final IVF round very soon. Of course she kept on pushing the question so clearly can’t read the room very well

Partner doesn’t see any wrong with it and there’s a vibe of him thinking lm “going on about it”. This is one of the very themes we argue about; someone says or does something lm unhappy with, he’s dismissive of my thoughts / feelings about it and then he takes their side against me.
In contrast my view is we are allowed to have different opinions about things

Op I'm sorry to hear of your fertility struggles. I was unable to conceive myself and have no bio children.

However I think your therapist's question was actually an important one for you as a couple - in fact isn't it an essential one? Surely your approach to parenting your longed-for child is something you've discussed together?

That said, there's nothing wrong with you saying "I'm really struggling right now to accept that we're probably not going to be parents and I don't want to discuss that in these sessions." If you didn't feel comfortable enough to say that, is there an issue with you not feeling supported by and safe with this therapist?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation if l was fairly pregnant then yes. But not in our current predicament. Especially since it was our last session for 3 weeks due to 2 weeks holiday for her and then IVF. So our last session before transfer. Again she knew all of this. Negotiating the way we feel at the moment is surely more pressing and appropriate. She is getting WAY ahead of herself. To be honest the question just made me think she is out of her depth and clutching at straws as she didn’t know what to do next. Plus my partners reaction just reminds me why we argue and why do l bother

NC’d for this. Without saying who she is, is she a “Professor Doctor” in Northern Ireland with loads of apparently positive reviews? Because if so I had her a couple of years ago then I found out she wasn’t qualified and wasn’t registered with any governing body that actually checks qualifications so there was no one to report her to. If its her run a mile, I’m 99% sure she’s a narcissist and she seriously damaged my MH. She told me to abandon my six month old baby to find someone offering better sex than my DH. She reports all her negative reviews. If it’s not her, it still sounds like she’s clumsy and unprofessional and I’d check she’s properly registered with BACP or BPS because a bad therapist who leaves you feeling like this with no closure at the end of a session is cause for concern.

@EL8888 Find a different therapist asap.

This one isn't right for you.

@FakeTherapistVictim no. We are in the south east of England. No hint of doctor claims. I’ve checked and she is registered with BPS apparently

Wow! That’s out of order advice. I have only a level 2 qualification in counselling but know you don’t instruct / order people what to do. You are well rid

I feel very uncontained and with no closure nearly 24 hours later

@takeitandleaveit that’s my instinct. Partner is annoyed and thinks lm being avoidant. He’s not properly acknowledging my feelings around it all

@EL8888 Perhaps you need individual counselling then.

@takeitandleaveit l don’t see the point of having individual therapy, as it’s our relationship issues that need working on.

The therapist's question, IMHO, in view of your circumstances, was cruel. On top of that, you have to deal with minimisation from your partner. It's little wonder you're so angry. I'd be seething!

As suggested up thread, time to find a new therapist.

All the best for your IVF 🍀

I'm with takeit on this.

I personally feel that anyone engaging with couples therapy should also be having or have had individual therapy as it can give the individual the space to work through some very difficult stuff arising from the couples sessions.