I don’t matter

[Mummytobr]

I’m one year postpartum - I just feel like I don’t matter.

I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I don’t look after myself anymore. I dyed my hair brown from blonde as I can’t stand leaving my son to go to the hairdressers (or do anything really). I rarely make myself look good anymore and live in leggings and baggy clothes. I don’t treat myself and grudge buying myself even necessities.

I desperately need to go to the doctors and dentist and have done for a while. I just feel like I don’t deserve anything, like I don’t matter.

It’s my birthday soon - cue the ‘what would you like’ questions - but I literally feel like I don’t deserve anything, I don’t want people spending money or effort or time on me.

Anyone else 😞

I couldn't read this without replying. You do matter. You can't pour from an empty cup as the saying goes. For your birthday ask for someone to babysit while you go and do something that makes you feel like yourself again, whatever that might be. It'll make a huge difference. Take care x

You matter to your son.
You matter to everyone who is asking about your birthday.
You matter to a lot of people

Make one of the appointments you need to make.
Then another.
But baby steps, one at a time.
The doctor and dentist will both see you. You are as deserving as anyone else.
Is there anyone to look after your son while you go out to the doctor or dentist? A short trip out might make you feel ok about leaving him - but I have fine both doc and dentist with a baby with me! Leaving your baby with someone you know and trust to home some time to yourself does not make you a bad mum!!
Maybe ask for money/vouchers for new clothes for your birthday
Don’t be hard on yourself, the first year is hard!!.
Do you have a health visitor?? Have you spoken to them?

First thing tomorrow make that GP appointment, and whatever else is going on, mention what you’ve said here and get some help. You’re clearly depressed and whether that’s a post natal thing or a general thing, you need some support to get back to a more balanced place. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your son. Are you the mum he deserves at the moment, or would your rather he had a mum who was bright and confident in herself? You deserve to be happy for yourself, but if you’ll only do it for him, that’s a good reason too.

And don’t be afraid of anti depressants - I spent many Years avoiding them because I’d always come out in a rash and had bad side effects, but this time I started on a very low dose and haven’t had any issues so far 2 months on. I feel a lot better already.