How do I learn to be more confident?

[Inkdrinker]

Hi everyone,
I'm just going to jump straight in and apologise in advance for this being longer than necessary.

Basically, growing up both of my parents were alcoholics. I wasn't ever supported and the occasions where I actually felt love were extremely few and far between.

I was bullied heavily in school and I've never liked myself. Then I entered into an abusive relationship at 14 because I was so desperate for anyone to love me, it didn't matter if they hurt me. I fell pregnant with my eldest at 15 and it felt like I just showed everyone how much of a failure I was.

Despite this I did my exams and passed them all, I had a distinction in year 1 and 2 of my law degree but like everything else I've done, I gave up.

Now I have a new job and I'm loving it but I always feel like whatever I'm doing isn't good enough. I feel like I need constant reassurance on what I need to do and always feel like I do a rubbish job. For some reason I purposely make myself appear dumber than I actually am and I have no idea why.

I wish I had confidence in the things I do, I wish I didn't worry and overthink every little task that I do. I just want to feel good about myself for once but it's so much easier to put myself down when it's all anyone has ever done to me.

Idk why I'm writing this but I just needed to write it down and tell someone. If you read this far, thank you xx

This sounds more like a self esteem issue than confidence, so long term I recommend working through this in your own time:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

CBT or trauma therapy with a therapist with expertise in childhood trauma may also be something to explore.

Specifically in the context of the workplace in the medium term, this has some useful strategies - in particular focusing on your strengths rather than your weaknesses:

www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/10-tips-for-boosting-your-confidence-work.html

Instead of focusing your attention on trying to remove your weaknesses, which knocks your confidence more, focusing on building your strengths makes you feel better about yourself.

In the immediate term, I'd recommend doing one nice thing everyday purely because it makes you feel good in some way (not for anyone else or because it's something that needs doing but exclusively for the sake of nurturing yourself). E.g. listening to a podcast because it makes you laugh or going for a walk to your favourite place.

When you are nasty to yourself your nervous system responds the same way as if someone else hurt you. Likewise, when you are kind and supportive to yourself it responds the same way as if someone else has been kind to you.

Over time if you build up a habit of being nice to yourself once every day you will start to feel better about yourself, feel more comfortable with receiving kindness and begin to feel that you deserve good things in your life.

Because you do deserve good things - so it is a case of gradually training yourself to feel safe believing that. It is possible.

For some reason I purposely make myself appear dumber than I actually am and I have no idea why.

At a guess, because allowing yourself to succeed, and allowing other people to see what you're really capable of, feels like a huge risk after a lifetime of hearing the message that you're "not good enough". It's easier and safer not to expose yourself to the possibility of that happening again, isn't it? If you sabotage yourself then you can't hope for something different and then be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

But if you don't take the risk of letting yourself shine and letting other people see you shine, how can you ever experience good things and good relationships and good experiences with other people? And if you never allow yourself to experience anything good, how can you feel you deserve them? It's a self-fulfilling cycle.

To have the opportunity to feel differently about yourself and to be treated differently by other people, you have to take some risks. I reckon that allowing yourself to show your true ability at work is a good risk to take.