Feeling very overwhelmed and need to offload

[Lemons8519]

I wrote on here a few months ago as I didn't want to be here anymore, I'm now feeling like that again. There is very little i enjoy in life and just going through the motions every day to do what is necessary. My son is 2 and such hard hard work, at times he can be lovely and i do love him and would do anything for him but most of the time I don't enjoy being with him tbh. I know that sounds absolutely awful. What's even more awful is that i think i regret having him. He deserves a better mummy. I worry about what having a mummy like me will do to him as he gets older and he will hate and resent me for it. And who could honestly blame him. What would be more damaging to him, having a mum like me or no mum. I can't see how this can possibly get better or easier as I've struggled with depression most of my adult life anyway. I've been self harming as a way of coping with my feelings of desperately trying not to lose my shit, not something that I plan but something I do in the moment on impulse to cope and to snap me out of what's overwhelming me (punching, biting and tugging really hard at my skin, but I guess this still constitutes as self harm). I've been taking sertraline for 18 months but going to up my dose to 75-100.
I don't know what I'm expecting from here really just feeling utterly desperate and like I need to get this stuff out there and out of my head

first of all, your son already has a mum who loves and and you writing this post proves how much you love him.

Do you get any support from social services or the HV at all? Can you reach out to them for additional support?

Do you want to talk it through a little? I find that helps.

What makes you feel like you regret having him? Is there anything that you feel caused your depression in the early days?

I know many people can feel like they regret having their kids. But, even if this feeling lasts a long time, it won't be forever, I'm sure.

How much support do you get? Do you have a chance to socialise or do things you might enjoy?

Have you had any therapy along with your medication? The two together might make a difference.

Believe me when I say I understand what you are going through, but do hold on. I'm sure you are your son's whole world. Besides that, cutting your life short would prevent you from experiencing the much better days that WILL come if you work on it. Rainy days don't last forever. I know it's hard but you can do this and keep writing on here if it helps ❤

I just feel so bored and angry all the time. I've always felt a bit like this but since having a baby it's tenfold. I'm losing my temper with him constantly and i do feel awful about this, which is why I punch or bite myself to try and calm myself and stop myself from lashing out at him. He's very tired and so am i which isn't a good combination. I struggle to be 'in the moment' with him and always thinking about other things.
I feel like I regret having him because I can't be the mother i want to be and there's no way I can fix this without causing him further damage. I'm in a lose/lose situation.
My depression started when I was 23/24. There wasn't really anything that happened around that time other than buying my first flat with my then boyfriend but this was something I was happy about.
In terms of support I don't have much, i have a handful of friends which i'm fine with but no one I can really talk to about this. In my experience people aren't really interested in being there for you in that way. I do get out occasionally with friends but generally have very little time for myself which I know isn't helping my situation.
I did do some online CBT at the end of last year and I've had counselling in the past but nothing really helps long term. I feel like I need intense, constant therapy like 24/7 for a good few months, if such a thing exists!

Hi OP I also have some MH problems, mine are teens now but I struggled with the toddler years

Some things which might help a little: this stage (2s) is really hard and as you say you don't get much time to yourself.

I found it a feeling of a combination of boredom and stress minding them at that stage a lot of the time- then guilt for feeling you aren't enjoying it more etc

But what helped me most was time and space- they get bigger and more independant and you get more time as they start nursery and school.

Are you able to still get nursery hours at 2? I think it was 15 hrs or something when mine were little.

Hang in there it will get easier

I work 4 days a week so he goes to a childminder those days. The childminder has brought up behavioural issues with him and work has been particularly stressful lately, however both have been getting better. I don't look forward to my day off or weekends and I feel guilty about that.

Thank you all for your replies and for being so kind, I don't really feel like I deserve it

"Thank you all for your replies and for being so kind, I don't really feel like I deserve it"

Of course you deserve kindness, you're going through a very difficult time. Depression is difficult enough to contend with, let alone dealing with it while having a 2 year old.

What do you do you usually do on your days off/weekends? I know that I find days with my 2 kids pretty dreadful tbh if there is nothing planned. The day absolutely drags, they get restless, I get shouty and I just hate it. I definitely know when you're depressed the thought of doing stuff and going out is very tiresome and even sometimes daunting. But in the long run, it helps the day go quicker and children are happy. Could you take him on long walks? Feeding the ducks is also good. He's old enough to feed them and it's minimal effort for you. Much easier than staying in the house and wishing the hours away - that's if you even do that like I sometimes do! This might be like absolute shit advice to you. But just throwing suggestions out there. You may be a stranger on the internet but I absolute get where you're coming from. It's awful isn't it? But you CAN overcome this.

You need to be kinder to yourself as it's probably making you frustrated. I have suffered bouts of anxiety and I get so angry at how pathetic I am (my feelings at the time) that I can't stop overthinking things, but it just makes things worse and I become a very grouchy, nasty person to be around. Kindness starts with yourself and it will help your feelings with your LO.

Does your LO sleep well? Do you get time to yourself in the evening? Maybe you could watch something or take up a hobby you can do from home?

I know what you mean about the days being dreadful where there is nothing planned, so it's not shit advice at all! My boy isn't good being stuck at home. I'm the same however at the same time I struggle to get motivated and for inspiration for things to do. Taking him out can be pretty stressful too. But he's happier for getting out of the house.
Whilst he goes to bed easily enough in the evenings and sleeps through he wakes really early which means by 8am we're both really grumpy already! I often wish away the day too and find myself counting down the hours until his nap or bedtime, again feeling guilty as I know these early years with him are precious. I do get some time to myself in the evenings which does help but it doesn't feel like anywhere near enough.
I just wish I could take some time out from life for a while, it would make me a better person and nicer to be around too

Yes, I'm very much feeling like I need a break from life at the moment too. We had temperatures of 38 degrees the last two days where I am and it absolutely depleted me. It was too hot to go out but still horribly hot indoors too.

It seems like a long way to go but things will get easier (that's what I keep telling myself). My eldest will be off to school. When DS2 joins him, although it's still a few years to go, I think I'm going to be happier. There hopefully will be more breathing space and a nice structure.

Mothers are human beings and having our own shit to deal with on top of being responsible for the health and well being of innocent children can be ALOT to contend with. I don't have much advice other than hang in there and that you have my solidarity as I can definitely relate to what you're going through. Brighter days will come and you can look back on this and be happy you got through it. It is very much a huge fight though, one I am struggling with myself. Don't let the negative thoughts win.