Has anybody picked apart their childhood? Where to start?

[cakelady2320]

I often wonder if some of the negative things that have happened/parenting techniques from my childhood have had a negative effect on me as an adult. I mostly remember the good memories from my childhood however so it's quite hard for me to delve in and pick it apart to find the bad bits (obviously appreciate I'm very lucky to have memories of a good childhood). Wondering if there is a good book or way of doing this?

You absorb more information about who you are and where you fit in the world between the ages of 4-10 than you do at any other time in your life. Sadly you do not have the capacity to be objective or to apply logic to what you're told during that period which is why we all end up with some pretty weird ideas about ourselves. The good news is that those 'core beliefs' are not fixed and you CAN change the aspects of your personality that aren't serving you in adulthood.

Have a look at Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay - full of pragmatic advice for self improvement.

As you have largely nice memories of a good childhood, why on earth do you want to dig it apart to look for something else?

Have seen two friends do this in therapy, and it's really messed them up and caused total breakdown of relationships with their parents and left them far more unhappy and non-functioning than they were when they started. Terribly sad.

One of my favourite poems by Phillip Larkin.I
I had an ok childhood , but this poem still resonates.

This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself

I don’t have much advice really but I do think your perspective changes as you get older and you experience similar situations yourself.

I've picked mine apart during the psychotherapy I received for PTSD. It was done in weekly sessions over a number of months with a really lovely therapist who was both effective and able to put me at my ease whilst we processed the most vivid memories one at a time. For me it was necessary, but it certainly wasn't an enjoyable experience and one I'd undertake lightly. I agree with the PP, this isn't something you want to do as an interesting dive into self-understanding, when really it sounds like you're scratching around for bad things to process in a sea of good memories. The therapy has allowed me to come to terms with what happened, but it also exposed a lot of failings of the 'safe'/good/reliable people around at the time too. Why would you want to poke that hornet's nest unless absolutely needed?

I found that in therapy as you describe a feeling that you have now or a reaction the therapist might say: does that remind you of anything from your past and the memory comes. I wouldn't force it but if you are struggling in an area now maybe see if there are any memories coming around that. And it may not be your parents..sometimes it's a teacher of a classmate who has said something and it sticks. Or your parents could have been brilliant but tragedy happens or a misunderstanding. Some things that happened years ago to children would never happen now..not out of malice but different practices.

I Wouldn’t go digging for things. It’s bad enough if the trauma is obviously there

I agree that you shouldn't be digging for issues.

I had a difficult childhood in many ways but my parents loved me and I have some amazing memories. I've had to come to terms with my trauma whilst accepting my parents had a hand in keeping my self esteem really low - it was in their interests to do this.

I would never say anything to my mum about it because she meant well and thought she was doing the right thing.

The important thing here is that if your parents obviously loved you and did their best that's all that matters.

Thanks for the responses, you're all totally right and I hadn't thought of it that way. I was more searching for reasons why I might have a lower self esteem/anxiety and just some of the tendencies I have out of curiosity. I was hoping to discover why I am the way I am rather than dig up trauma but after reading the responses I've decided not to do this and just enjoy the lovely positive memories I do have. I have a good relationship with my parents so I'd hate to change that also

Sorry, I'm late to your thread @cakelady2320, but I think that if you're struggling with anxiety and low self-esteem that could well have its origins in your childhood and is well worth exploring with a counsellor or therapist. I think it's probably quite common to have developed a personal narrative in which you had a 'happy enough' childhood and tend to bury the respects in which damage was done. Low self-esteem doesn't come from nowhere. If you have an instinct that your childhood holds the answers, I think that's worth pursuing.

I'm in therapy at the moment, and although I already knew I had plenty of baggage to dredge up, I've been surprised how much easier the presence of an external eye/ear has made it to pinpoint precise events (which I thought I had forgotten) where I 'learned' something negative about life or myself or other people that is actually untrue but seemed like a important perception at the time because it had a high emotional content. Feeling those feelings again and mapping them on to things I recognise from my adult life has been a very powerful way of re-learning about myself in a healthier way. I would really recommend it.

My advice if you're planning therapy is to find someone you like the look of in your area in the BACP directory, and not to stint on what you're willing to spend, because you will get exponentially better results with someone experienced. As a guide, in the southeast, there are plenty of counsellors charging e.g. £45/hour but what you get for £60 will be so much better. I tried a couple of people I thought were rubbish or who I just didn't click with before finding the person I'm now working with. Everybody understands the importance of that. If you think this may be the right path for you, I'd encourage you to test the waters at least. I've found books and techniques like journaling etc helpful in the past, but if you're ready for therapy, it's like stepping on a travelator after years of trudging uphill, in my experience.