Anyone not got on with SSRI's?

[Misskittycat16]

Currently waiting for a specialist to call but after 2.5 weeks of waiting after calling the crisis team I feel lost.
Have tried Citalopram, Sertraline, Mirtazipine,Escitalopram, Fluoxetine and had a brief spell on Veneflaxin. The side effects were horrendous on all of them ( slightly less so on mirtazipine)
I've given all of these a fair crack...like 5-6 weeks, even my GP is at a loss and he has been brilliant.

I've lost all hope that there is an antidepressant that is going to help. I am on Propanolol which helps with the heart palpitations but my anxiety is off the scale. Awful knots in my tummy which never seem to subside. I take a small amount of Diazepam and a zopiclone for sleep but it's never a restful sleep.

Has anyone been in the situation? I've wanted to die but I just couldn't do that to my daughter.

Many years ago I tried them. I was on tricyclics before that and they really helped. I would say in fact they offered exactly the support I needed at the time. The next time I needed support they put me on SSRIs. I felt TERRIBLE on them. My world had already ended and these drugs gave me the absolute terrors. The medical people wouldn't listen and insisted I just keep trying. I gave up and basically battled with MH problems for ages after that, but I did find beta blockers helped - not as much as TCAs but definitely a lot more than SSRIs.
I later found that MH people prefer we take SSRIs as although there is evidence that some people experience worse mental health on them, (with sometimes awful consequences) they're not so directly toxic, so aren't directly implicated in such consequences. TCAs seem to be more beneficial but you can overdose on them. (However probably less likely to try).
If you feel strong enough it might be worth asking if you can try a different sort of approach. Many GPs aren't aware of the 'steer' to SSRIs.
www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/not-obsolete-continuing-roles-tcas-and-maois
Of course, every human is different and I'm sure SSRIs are significantly improving many people's lives and this is just my experience.

Wishing you much love and strength.

Thank you so much for your reply and sharing your experience. It definitely sounds like we have had a similar experience with SSRI's. Fluoxetine nearly killed me. I don't know much about tricyclic so I will have a read up on them.

I am speaking with my Dr tomorrow, I think I will forward him the article. I've given up waiting for the psychiatrist to contact me.

Once again, thank you

What caused your anxiety and depression?

I was put on a small dose of citalopram for one year and it didn't cure my depression per se but made me feel better because it removed my very high anxiety. It did totally mess with my sex drive.I've been off for 4 years and it still takes me a long time to achieve an orgasm (before the medication it would happen very easily) so I believe citalopram gave me long term side effects on my libido that I'm still dealing with. propaponol I tried for a week and had massive anxiety so had to quit. Diazepam I tried to but my GP inmediately removed them because benzos are SUPER addictive and just give you a short relaxing buzz but that's it.

What was a total game changer for me is psilocybin treatment (aka: magic mushrooms) I got in Canada were they're legal with a great psychiatrist and an also a 3 day ayahuasca ceremony (a natural psychedelic that comes from tree bark) in Peru (also legal there). They are not addictive and helped me work through the pain of what was causing my depression/anxiety. I have been medication free for four years now.

I would reccomend researching into psilocybin treatment, so much better option than SSRI's.

I’ve not got on with them either. Turns out I was misdiagnosed for 5 years and my suicidal thoughts were not depression or bipolar disorder (I went through mood stabilizers too) but PMDD with irregular periods. Oestrogen gel two weeks of the month sorted me right out.

Build up of many things, I had a breakdown last October. I have always suffered with depression and anxiety but not in this scale.
Childhood not the best, 4 miscarriages, ill health, finally became a mum and have found it the hardest thing in the world. Moved house which I feel is too far away from my parents, the list goes on.

Funnily enough you are the second person who has recommended Psilocybin. I will definitely be researching this. Thank you

I did try Oestrogen gel and progesterone for about 2 months, not sure if it made much difference. Maybe I didn't give it long enough. I am 45 this year but still have regular periods.

How would I even know where to start where to buy psilocybin?

It's very illegal in the UK (class A drug in fact), but legal in Holland, Canada and many US states. If you're in the UK Holland is the closest place, but you will need to go there and do the treatment in the Dutch country, just don't even dream of ordering it on the mail from the UK because it will be sized by customs and you may get arrested.

I can't get on with any of those either. Eventually I chucked a strop and insisted I wanted to try a tricyclic as I'd had it before in low doses and got on with it well.

They made me see a psychiatrist to get it prescribed in the higher dose and made dire predictions of side effects but I didn't really get any except a bit of dry mouth and they worked a lot better than the SSRIs.

I feel it's important to be very careful here with posting the results of what they call meta analyses of SSRIs (and their like) versus TCAs as people who have experience of the side effects are very vulnerable and reading about bad stuff can sometimes make things worse. But - you could ask your team if you could be assessed for TCA use. If you look on the Mind website for example it suggests there is some evidence that SSRIs can cause worse feelings in those who've previously been suffering from severe anxiety and depression arising from that. As I said, SSRIs do work for a lot of people, but there are a few of us for who they make things much worse.
I think it's difficult to be sure of any research in this area as it is so hard to track mind-body cause and effect in people who are suffering like this, and so everybody has to try their own approach.
Everyone is different, but I had a very abusive childhood, then abusive relationships, motherhood and isolation. So what started as anxiety and low self worth then escalated as my pregnancy was when my abuser started tightening the screws. It was when I became a mother I hit rock bottom. TCAs (amytriptiline) were almost magical in their effect and gave me a breathing space to become more healthy.
It sounds like you need a breathing space above all, and some tlc. All of the things you've mentioned are very significant. Can I ask if your childhood was difficult, was that because of your parents or despite them? It's just you seem to be missing them but I was wondering what support they would offer if you were closer? Do you have a partner? Are they supportive of you in general? Could you get counselling too? Some of this sounds like you need to be heard, rather than experimented on (so to speak - your team sound great but it can feel like being a guinea pig). Please give yourself a huge hug for having got this far. Best of luck. ❤️ xxx

Sorry you've been through this too, it's truly horrid.
My mum was quite poorly when we were growing up (ME, Depression, Anxiety) I had to look after my little sister and I was far too young and ill equipt to deal with that. Dad was out working or doing his hobby. It wasn't neglect, there was love but it wasn't quite right. I am very close to both of my parents now (probably too close) I see them a lot but they are getting older and find my 4 year old hard work.

I wanted to be a mum for so long and I feel like I am failing my daughter so much, I can bearly function at the moment.

Husband isn't terribly supportive, he struggles with emotional intelligence, works a lot so it's basically on me to do everything for our daughter, which would be ok if I was ok!
I have been offered CBT for 30 mins every 2 weeks, I mean....it's a drop in the ocean.

I just want it all to stop and to be well. It feels like I am never going to get better.

CBT is a start, but if you can I would get some private talking therapy or ask to be put on a waiting list. It sounds like your emotional needs aren't being met/ have never really been fully met.

I would have been terrified as a child having to be an adult and care for a sibling, and perhaps that terror at caring for a little one is reappearing.

The feelings of not being a good mum could be reappearing from your childhood and having to be a carer without being able to experience childhood yourself. (People faced with being a mum in your situation can sometimes even experience deep rage, that they feel is wrong and which turns into self destruction when they realize they never have had a chance themselves).

You are a good mum if you love your daughter, keep her clothed and fed and with a roof over her head while you try to look after yourself.

Remember on planes with oxygen masks, they say you must wear your own before helping your child with theirs? That is the ultimate role of a parent, to make the environment right for your child. Which means making things right for you. You're in survival mode and don't need to do fancy stuff with your daughter, you're giving her more than many others have had.

You have my utmost respect and admiration for having got this far, with probably, a lot of unacknowledged grief.
If you can't afford a private therapist, ask your MH team about online support as these can be cheaper, but you have to watch out for unregistered counsellors.

Here's a handhold from afar, just believe in yourself for a little bit longer if you can. And I hope your husband starts learning to do more emotional work. That's incredibly hard and something I would definitely discuss with a professional, you need a lot of love right now xxxx

What about snri? Could you afford a private consultant with a psychiatrist?

Everything you say is completely correct. I have been massively triggered by becoming a mum, I know it stems from my childhood. I have always said I wanted to give my daughter a childhood she doesn't have to recover from and then here I am being so poorly she isn't getting the best of me and that kills me. She is very well loved and we tell her everyday, she is very happy at school and has made solid friendships. But I am not present because I am in my head so much and I find her very triggering to be around which is so so sad. I love her so much.
I contacted the Crisis team yesterday and the nurse has asked for my case to be reviewed today so hopefully I will hear back soon. Apparently they have a plan but need a psychiatrist to prescribe the drug.
I know I need a ton of therapy but we just can't afford to pay privately at the moment.
Thank you such for your lovely kind words, it means such a lot. Xxxx

I had 1 session of hypnotherapy and had booked a following session however I was so so anxious and my heart palpitations were very strong so I couldn't really relax so we had to abandon it.
It is something I will revisit at some point. Do you do online consultations or does it have to be in person?

I don't have much advice but I wanted to say how much I related to your feeling of not being able to be as present for your child as you wished - I really feel like that a lot of the time as I'm still struggling with trauma after my DD died (although quite a few years ago now) and find it very difficult to be patient and present for my DC on days when I'm feeling sad or triggered. It's so tough parenting while dealing with trauma and there seems to be very little written about it that I can find.

I am currently on sertraline to help with anxiety but I'm pretty sure it's making me more depressed than before and making my sleep worse so I'm planning to try stopping soon. I've heard good things about CBD oil for anxiety and trauma and seems to have very few side effects. So I can't recommend it yet but seems worth a try.

Online is fine - I think it's better for the client as they are in their own surroundings which is more relaxing. There's no trance involved so you're awake and alert throughout.

Do you have a website?

I'm so sorry you have been through this how traumatic for you. Its horrible not feeling present and trying to be a good parent.
I am trying CBD oil, if you are on FB join a group called Herbal Alternatives, they are so helpful with product recommendations and advice. I take a CBD Brothers oil.
Sending you solidarity

I would second the TCA recommendation. They are considered old school and GPs are advised to prescribe SSRIs first, but they have been around for a long time with good reason. I’ve taken clomipramine in the past and it was truly life changing, fantastic for anxiety and depression and it sorted my sleep. I took a low dose, though, as I think I was fairly sensitive to them so a little went a long way. I could not get past the side effects of SSRIs.

@Misskittycat16 Yes, happy to send it to you if you want to PM me. I would also recommend you have a read of Lost Connections by Johann Hari (he's also done a Ted Talk) - a completely different perspective on the causes and cures of depression.

I tried every SSRI going and they either did nothing or made me worse. Ended up on mirtazapine which was a game changer for me (I know you've mentioned you've tried this) the doc said if this didn't help they would try tricyclics so this may be worth pursuing