Daughter took o/d now she’s refusing to talk to me

[blackplasticspoon]

Long time lurker, rarely post.
Bit of background: my eldest daughter is 24, has had m/h issues for a while. She does not live at home. She has had a difficult relationship with her father for a long time, but has been ok with me until a couple of months ago.
She asked for my help with a form, which I willingly gave, but her father turned up before we had finished and that really upset her as she knew he’d interrupt things.
Since then, whereas before we would meet up once a week at least, and chat/message regularly, she’s massively reduced contact to the bare minimum of messages.
Last ones were last night and didn’t raise any concerns about anything being wrong other than her still being a bit pissed off with me.
Fast-forward to this afternoon, and I have received a call from an A&E (not our local one) that she took an overdose last night. She’s okay, and has been given help via the crisis team. I was given a number to ring, but she refused to speak to me, and i suspect she’s blocked my number as I can’t get through via phone, WhatsApp or text.
Not sure what I want from this really, except not to feel so alone. I can’t speak about this to her dad cos he’ll turn it into a rant, and I won’t be able to answer any of the questions he’ll have. I have no idea what to do or how to support her when she won’t speak to me. Would welcome any support. Thankyou

If she’s blocked your texts or phone, write her a letter or email telling her how much you love her and you’re there for her when she wants to talk. Sometimes suicide attempts can be about wanting to die. Often they are about wanting the pain to end and/or telling the world how
much pain they’re in. This sounds heartbreaking for you. There may be groups on here where others have experienced similar.

Thank you. I’ve asked her brother to text her too - he’s 10 years younger than her, and she used to take care of him loads, take him to places in the holidays etc. They were really close once, but she hasn’t seen him for months either. I don’t know if he’s had any more luck. But I’ll try emailing her too. She apparently spoke about not wanting to come back to her home town, and moving to a nearby city. Fair enough, but I wish she’d just talk to me about it. Then I can try to support her. Being cut out of her life is awful.

Can you go to the hospital? She might not see you but she will know that you showed up. I'm assuming she gave the hospital permission to call you, otherwise you wouldn't have been told so that's a positive. Forgive me if I am wrong or if there's a massive backstory here but it sounds like she wants you there, that she wants your help.

OP I know you're desperate but please do not put this on your 14yr old son. It's not his job to be checking up on her for you or acting as your go-between, that's highly inappropriate.

Thankyou. She was being discharged when I rang them and that was over an hour ago. The hospital is an hour away, so I have no idea if she’d even be there if I went. I can ring the unit again to check though.

He offered, I said no initially, until I realised she’d blocked me. So the suggestion came from him, rather than me asking. Sorry, I’m a bit all over the place today. I’m aware that it’s less than ideal, but as I explained, they were always very close.

That sounds a good idea. You clearly care about and love your daughter, if she's still there maybe you could go or if not maybe the staff will know where she's gone.
Another thought is get a cheap burner phone and text her from that. I know it might seem like overkill, and that she's a grown up who will get in touch if she wants to but I think from the little you've said she would appreciate it. Plus it would give her a 'safe' avenue of communication if she wants (for whatever reason) distance from her dad/your dh.

Can you say a bit more about the relationship with her father? Are you still together? Not sure from the limited detail but is that the root of the issues and why she’s withdrawn so much from you too?

it might be something to address when trying to get her to open up to you

The relationship with her dad has always been difficult. She’s very stubborn, but so is he. She’s had mh issues for a good while, but his approach has never been very helpful or understanding. There’s a lot more to it, but much of it would be outing, so I’m unwilling to share too much on here. Her going nc with her dad is understandable, but I’ve always tried to support her. She’s clearly not been telling me a whole lot for a good while though. She’s had a boyfriend I didn’t know about since Jan, and has been staying with him for the last 3. My mind is pretty blown right now tbh. Feel like i don’t even know her any more.😢

I'm so sorry this is so hard and you must be feeling so upset.

Just based on what you've said about her father "She has had a difficult relationship with her father for a long time" "her father turned up before we had finished and that really upset her as she knew he’d interrupt things" "I can’t speak about this to her dad cos he’ll turn it into a rant, and I won’t be able to answer any of the questions he’ll have." "his approach has never been very helpful or understanding" . She must have had a very difficult and upsetting childhood and with the family dynamics it's probably not surprising this has spilled into your own relationship with her. I would think her dad's behaviour could also be the root cause (or part of) the root cause of her mental health problems?

As someone with a very difficult relationship with my own father (and sounds quite similar to hers) and have had to go nc at times, I also had to go low contact with my mother too as I couldn't really see her without him and it was too difficult to separate out the two relationships.

Do you think she feels like you have her back and defend her against her father when she needs it? Could you write to her and say that you understand if she doesn't wish to see her dad and that you would be happy to come and see her separately and support her in whatever way she needs? It might be a way to build trust and make her feel she can come to you when she's struggling.

Appreciate you don't want to say too much about the situation with her dad but if you want to pm me you're welcome to as may be able to give a different perspective (and have also had mh problems almost certainly due to difficult father!)

Why did you let her father interrupt you? You're busy, he can wait. Tell him to fuck off if he can't be civil to his own daughter.

It sounds like this is the root of the issue, the fact that she is bullied by her father and you aren't standing up for her. Blocking you may be what she needs to do to get away from this toxic dynamic so I really think that you need to respect her need for some space right now.

By all means tell her you love her and you're here when she's ready but otherwise back off and tell your husband a few harsh truths about his behaviour towards her. In your position I would be putting my daughter first and telling him to shape the fuck up or ship the fuck out.

You may find when you really think about it that he has more control over you than you realised as you sound a pretty switched on and loving parent. Men like this tend to rule by being overbearing so everyone just cooperates for a quiet life.

I've more than a few in my family and have discovered that trying to talk reasonably doesn't work. I have to really lose it with them, not shout but don't allow them the chance to start building up steam.

Shut him down, say my piece and walk away and leave him to it. He'll chuck a tantrum worthy of a 2 year old but eventually he'll calm down and the seed is planted. He'll absorb what I actually said rather than just the fact that I argued with him. And he'll think about it.

In my case he's a good man but very black and white and likes to bellow a lot. Can't see past the end of his own nose, his mother used to say.

So he'll chew it over in his mind for a bit and more often than not he'll see my point.

Sometimes you just have to spell it out, loudly the effect their behaviour is having on the family and that being the 'man of the house' sometimes means stepping up and being a supportive dad even if he doesn't completely agree.