Husband suicidal

[Husbandworries]

My DH has this evening told me he has been having suicidal thoughts for months.
he’s always struggled with his mental health and does take anti-depressant medication but this is the first time he’s been like this. We do discuss his mental health often.
He says he’s exhausted and doesn’t want to be in the world any more.
we have a DS aged 3 and we’ve been together more than 20 years.
He’s asleep now after the breakdown and I know in the morning he’ll play it down but I don’t know how to help him and I know it’s not just going to go away.

I know that it stems from childhood trauma and systematic abuse he suffered at the hands of his parents. He finds the weight of that unbearable. He says he finds the pressure of normal life things, like going to work and being a dad, all too much.

he’s tried some basic therapy before but nothing outside of the NHS and I’m wondering whether private therapy might help him. Does anyone know what might help with the root cause? What do I do? He also drinks when he feels things getting dark inside, which exacerbates the issue, and I’m wondering if AA might even help? He was drunk tonight. I tried to get him to call Samaritans but he refused.

i’m panicking tbh, but trying to remain calm, even when he was telling me that He feels like he’s better off leaving Ds now while he’s young than when he’s older. even though he knows what that will do to him, because his mum did it to him (many times but was unsuccessful) My heart cracked a bit. He said he was ready to do it now but I managed to get him to bed where he fell asleep. I’m devastated for him.

name changed for this one.
i’m going to try to get some shuteye before he wakes but will check in tomorrow.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy will be good for this.
I have it for myself under a clinical psychologist and it has been the only thing that has got to the root cause.
I have had other therapies before, but they were superficial compared to this. I've had therapies where the therapist just empathised and listened. That's enough for some people but not me.
Like your DH, I was abused as a child and the Psychodynamic approach is very geared towards childhood issues and needs that weren't met. They analyse projected pain and untangle thought processes.
I'm not going to lie, it is difficult but I was happy to put I the effort to help myself, I wasn't really ready for this level of analytics before.
I did get mine on the NHS, but it is quite rare to get this level of help for free and will have to meet a level of criteria of which there could be a very long waiting list. I'd pay if you can and search for 'Psychodynamic therapy'.
There is a 'Bacp' website which might help.

Just wanted to send hugs op, I don't have much advice.. Has he always been this depressed or has there been a recent trigger? How's he with your ds? I'm sorry I hope he gets better soon 💐

Thank you so much! This is really helpful :)

Thank you! Not really, he has bouts here and there where he really struggles with general day to day, but it’s all linked to his childhood. He’s been much better over recent years but he’s been masking (probably from DS) which I presume has made it worse.I could tell because he’s been drinking more than usual and it all came out tonight.

he’s an amazing father, happy and upbeat and fun, and hands on. He’s everything that his dad wasn’t for him, which makes it all the more heartbreaking to be honest.

If you feel he is in imminent danger of harming himself, call 999. It's for his sake, yours and your child's.

How much is he drinking? If it's a fair bit and regular, definitely encourage him to contact AA, and you might benefit from going to Al-Anon - they will see you regardless of whether he chooses to attend AA, and you are likely to find it enlightening. There is a saying - you didn't cause it and you can't cure it.

Having been in a similar position - do make sure you are looking after yourself, if not for your own sake, for your DC's. It's also absolutely ok to say that you can't care for him and your child if he is drinking too much and suicidal, and either you stay with parents for example, or him with other family.

In all honesty, I wish we had separated when this first came up. It will take many many years and a rollercoaster of emotions even if he is extremely commited (and it sounds like he isn't yet), and in the meantime you're quite likely to have more DCs in the up and gradually spend your energy trying and failing to truly resolve these extremely deep rooted issues. If he's not committed, then he'll be in a vicious circle where the addiction is feeding itself on the depression and so on. Getting better is scary, because then he'd have to stop drinking.

In my case I still care for him very much, but the years and years of struggle have done major mental health damage to our children, and this in particular destroyed my romantic feelings, and the guilt is huge.

I don't want to sound hopeless or heartless, your DH is clearly hurting and you are very caring. I hope that you can find a way together, just do take stock as you go, and that you also have someone looking after you.

Private therapy would definitely help him. It is very common for adults that were abused as children to be triggered when they have their own children, causing severe depressive episodes. I did. I had thought I had overcome my traumatic childhood, put it all behind me. I entered parenthood thinking at least I know what not to do as my parents were shit. But then I started to get flashbacks…so say my DC was having a bit of a tantrum. I’d be there handling it calmly and as a loving parent should and suddenly I’d relive myself that same age acting the same and then the abuse I got (you know, the kind that starts with stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about, thump). I’d be left shaken, sick. Id focus on my DC and comforting them but often that same flashback would just repeat now it had been awakened. And then lots of different flashbacks kept getting triggered and they started to pile up and replay day after day, over and over until I was living in a waking nightmare. I worried I’d snap and hurt my DC, I started to think they’d be better off without me because I was too broken. I became very depressed and suicidal. I did get a private assessment and was diagnosed with cPTSD and got tons of trauma therapy that literally saved my life. I still get flashbacks but now I know how to ride through them like surfing a wave and not let them affect me so much emotionally. I also have more/better medication which helps as well. I hope your DH will seek some professional help as that’s what he needs. Don’t be too disheartened by his refusing to call Samaritans, I have called them many times and they’re really only good for making sympathetic noises and recommending a cup of tea or a bath. Only useful as a distraction really to keep yourself from doing something to yourself, but not anything that actually helps you get better.

No worries, OP. Happy to be of help. I hope you and him get what you need xxxxx

Thank you @Discovereads this is really really helpful And enlightening. Can I ask, did you have any type of specific treatment? I’ve looked at psychotherapy and counselling and it is overwhelming the amount of choice available. Thank you again.
I also realised this evening that he changed his anti depressant about 6 months ago so this may also be a cause. He needs one that works better for him. Thank you.

Good morning.

Id recommend, you not choose any specific therapy, but leave that to the psychologist he sees to determine. They’re mind doctors, so like a body doctor you would simply go to them with a broken leg and then the body doctor decides whether you need surgery, then what kind of cast for how long for bone re set, then what physio you need and so on. So leave the treatment decisions to the mind doctor. :) makes it easy…

I initially had a full assessment done by a clinical psychologist over several sessions which resulted in my diagnosis of cPTSD and then also seeing a psychiatrist and starting on initial medication. It’s really best to do both a psychologist for therapy plus a psychiatrist for medication because often if you try only one and not both, it doesn’t really help fast enough for someone who is suicidal. The psychologist then used the information about me gathered from my assessment to tailor trauma therapy for me which included customised CBT and EMDR. I also had a full sensory assessment done and had sensory therapy customised to find out what causes me distress and things that actually help me ground/stay calm. And I have an occupational therapist that has helped with day to day activities. The psychologist, psychiatrist and therapists would all meet regularly to discuss my case and coordinate my care….I know it sounds awful all these people talking about you behind your back so to speak but I had a really good team and trusted them so I became comfortable with it fairly easily. But anyway, my main point is that a good psychologist will write up a custom course of therapy for your DH based on his needs, input from the psychiatrist/other therapists and how his brain works (I have ASD and ADHD so they had to also adjust my therapy for that for example). So when I say CBT and EMDR these were not off the shelf courses of therapy that the NHS frequently runs like a course module in a one size fits all approach (have had those too…didn’t help).

The other thing I think worth mentioning is that it is extremely painful and exhausting to go through therapy and tackle the fallout from childhood abuse. I used to have a one hour session and then literally feel like a shipwrecked sailor washed up on shore and need to go home, go directly to bed and sleep for a few hours to reset my mental state. I also could not discuss the therapy with my DH in any details beyond two word things like “tough session” or “made progress”. I also had homework in terms of recording flashbacks/emotions, recording whether calming techniques worked, and so on. So you have to put work in outside the doctors office so to speak. But it was worth it and as I say, saved my life.

And yes, quite a few combinations of medication were tried along the way to finding the ones I’m on now. So your DH needs his medication looked at too which is the job of the psychiatrist. Hopefully his alcohol is self-medication and not an addiction as if it is self medication once he’s on medication that’s helping his drinking would naturally reduce or cease altogether.

I think of my childhood abuse as a bunch of vipers and well they’re all back in their cages and I’m back to being the person I’m meant to be. So anyway, I wish you the best and please tell your DH he can do this. He’s a good person and deserves help to overcome what happened to him when he was a tiny innocent.

These two videos will give you, and your husband, a good grounding in what happens to us when we're subjected to abuse as children.

Let's try that again!

Nope - have a look at Negative Core Belief Schema & Toxic Shame: Part 1 and Part 2 on You Tube.

My dd had something called edmr therapy, it wasn't cheap but it helped her enormously and she now leads a 'normal' life with just 2 short regular counselling sessions a month, where she sort of 'checks in' with her therapist.

I'm not sure where your located but her therapy is all online so presumably it doesn't matter?
Please pm me if you'd like anymore info x

You're!! Autocorrect fail 🤦🏻‍♀️