I hate myself and I want to die

[NameChangerNotATroll]

regular but namechanger - this is my alter ego for when shit goes bad.

dh got a new job recently and we moved area. i moved away from my family, friends, support network, job etc etc. we thought it would be a bright new future, dh's new job looked good, more money, better prospects - also in his old job he was very unhappy, and we thought that this move would make him happier.

well, it hasn't. he hates his new job, they said he could work from home, and then said he couldn't, they promised a shiny bonus scheme which doesn't appear to be forthcoming, the office he's in is cramped and he doesn't like his new colleagues.

anyway, yesterday he spoke to the person who headhunted him. this person said that, yes, he could work from home one day a week, he could have a new office, and the bonus was paid 4 times a year. still, dh is unhappy.

and the new house is horrible, it's a lot smaller than the one we were in, there's stuff everywhere - and i mean, everywhere - i can't even see a way to unpack, every time i try to sort stuff out, ds is behind me like a little demon, taking it out and strewing it across the floor. i'm shouting at ds, he's not sleeping well, we're all exhausted, and i can't see a way to sort this.

and as for me - i've battled on and off with PND (and regular depression) since ds was 4 months, my old GP was useless, new one hasn't even registered us yet. i moved for dh because he wanted to, and i'm everything that Xenia always says SAHM's are - pathetic and weak and useless. i can't even parent effectively at the moment. our diet is crap because we're living on canned food and take aways as i'm too exhausted/depressed to cook or shop. the mums round here are really snobby, the M&T groups are all over subscribed. my new neighbour is nice but she has her own friends and her ds is much younger than mine, and mine - being the challenge that he is, often whacks her lo round the head, meaning she's not overly keen to come round.

i've put my CV into prospective employers, and we're looking at a nursery tomorrow, but i just can't face this tip of a house, my miserable husband, my nightmare son. i thought this move would make dh at least a bit happy but we've moved from a situation where one of us was unhappy to one where we're all unhappy.

i just want to go home - except i don't have a fucking home anymore.

hug
You can do this. Its just going to be hard for a while.
Think of all the positive possibilities which are round the corner. As soon as you get Ds into a nursery, he will have the stimulation which he needs to keep him occupied, and you can get a job and some of your confidence back, and start to build a new life for yourself. x

Oh Bless you I want to get hold of you and give you a huge hug.
If you are anywhere near a MN'er please get in touch with someone! (Im in cambridge if you are around here)
You are NOT pathetic weak and useless, you are holding your family together the best you can at the moment and the fact that your family is fed (nothing wrong for cans for a short while!)

I would go into the surgery and get an appointment with the doctor. Make sure that support line is there. I would also do some more research on M&T there must be one in a church hall somewhere. If you are prepared to mention to someone on here where you are we will help you find some stuff in your new area.

Keep ranting on here I am sure between us you can get the support you need to help you build a social network where you are.

the problem isn't me. the problem is dh. i'm not sure he'll ever be happy, and i don't understand why.

am so sorry you are having such a horrible time. moving house is in the top 3 of traumatic things in life...... does your DH have a contract that outline all these things he was promised?

i bet there is a mumsnetter near you who could lend you an ear and a helping hand....

do you take anything for the PND? that needs to be addressed, because until you are on more of an even keel , you cannot hope to get real life back on track.

don;t try to do it all... maybe aim to unpack one box a day? maybe when your DS sleeps, or is watching a bit of TV?

is there a childrens's centre near you? they are often good places for unbiased/ non snobby support.

Jen - I'm N.London-ish, (Bucks) we're not registered with a GP yet, should come through in the next few days though as ds needs his MMR.

my neghbour gave me a load of stuff about local M&T groups, but all the places are taken (we live in a small town) and it seems like you have to go through a rigourous vetting procedure to join anyway - and M&T isn't really my scene at the best of times!

Your DH's happiness is his responsibility though, not yours. Speaking as one with a perpetually pissed off DH (only about work, but every single job he has ever had), I've finally learned not to try and fix it for him. And it's hard moving areas, it really is, don't think you 'should' be doing better - you've made contact with your neighbour for one thing, which is great. Good luck with sorting a nursery place - once you can make some headway with the mess/unpacking things I hope you can feel a bit better. More hugs (and believe me, I don't generally hug!)

lulu - i don't take AD's, i've been on most of them before i was pg, and i'm bf-ing so what i could take is limited. i dont' like the efffect they have on me - most of them make me into a zombie or have awful effects on my blood pressure and stomach.

dh has just txt-ed me to say he is going for an initial asessment for counselling tonight to help him get over his traumatic previous employment. i feel like leaving him, i really do.

so, this is more about DH than you? if he is low, it is not going to help you is it?

has he always been miserable, glass half empty sort of person?

do you think that if you were feeling better, you would feel differently about him
sometimes it is hard to seperate out all the issues and different feeligns

It can be very draining to live with someone who is constantly negative. My DH has gone through periods of this in the past and it use to really get me down too and in the end I had to tell that I couldn't take any more "woe is me, why do bad things always happen to me?" attitude.

He's made a lot of changes to his life and is a lot more content these days.

Could you not talk to him about how this is affecting you

Feel for you - it's a tough thing to get started in a new place when things in the garden aren't as rosy as they could be.
Really good that he's going for counselling; maybe you should try and get some too?

Or, find something to occupy you and make more friends at the same time, for instance an evening class or other clubs for your lo.(Tumbletots/ gymnastics swimming/ Waterbabies)

Or joining a gym which has a creche attached? Exercise will probably help you feel better emotionally.

The only thing which will help is getting out there and meeting people and unfortunately when we're depressed it's the last thing we feel like doing..... I hated M&T groups too - all they talked about was cleaning and how often they cleaned their ovens out ...

he didn't use to be like this. he was always fairly easy going, chilled, happy before he got his old job. his old boss was a real bitch, and she did destroy his self-confidence. i think he felt trapped in that job by me and ds, that he couldn't leave because we would be homeless etc. i kept telling him to leave and i would work full time whil he was a SAHD and i don't think i could have earned enough to keep us long term it would have at least been something to keep us going till he found another job.

i self harmed for the first time in ages yesterday. i know this feeling and it's not a good feeling.

Get to your GP NC - you need some help if you've begun self harming again, but you already know that I guess.

oh yeah - we're also skint cause we're paying off loads of debt at the moment. so Wisteria's suggestions - though good ones - aren't really possible at the moment. wish they were though.

lulu - just checked, there isn't a Surestart centre in this town, probably one in next town, but it's a hell of a trek.

but what will the GP do Wisteria? just stick me on the same AD's i've been on before that didn't work.

Without giving too much away are you in south bucks by any chance? I moved here 4 years ago and I find it a bit snobby too (they are also very nosey!) I miss the coffee and a nag with my old neighbours. I think it helps to offload in RL, which is difficult when you're new to an area.

Your DH is clearly unhappy, which in turn is making you unhappy and then that reflects onto the whole family. I think I would start with the house - can you wait until DH is at work and set a target of say 2-3 boxes/bags a day? clear it, throw it or what ever to give you space? one room at a time? put it in the loft/garage anywhere just so as you can't see it?

eles- we are near Amersham.

i've been putting stuff in the front bedroom, but i want to start clearing that out so ds can go in there (he's currently co-sleeping with us) the downstairs is pretty appalling too though, there's no room to put stuff!

I know how it feels. Ive still got unpacked boxes in the loft. It was daunting even looking at them (i still have no clue whats in them - I just threw them up there) I work in amersham and my older girls go to the college. It is a lovely place once you settle.

I'm you're Self harming again though. there is a brilliant counselling service at the amersham hospital. I'll help you if you want.

We recently moved under fairly difficult circumstances, although we didn't have depression to contend with too. But we moved to a much smaller house and are a very cluttered family. I also felt that I'd lost a big network of friends, that I would never meet other local people that I could feel relaxed with, and that I would never fit all of our stuff into our new house. I don't know how long ago you moved. We are now 5 months down the line. Unpacking and sorting was hard going - we had to be a bit ruthless about getting rid of things and it was a bit like a puzzle - a small corner would be sorted and that would create a little more space for sorting other things. I know how overwhelming it can feel as you look around a house that is packed with boxes and clutter and you can't see where to begin. But try to be patient and hold on to a glimmer of hope: it can and will get done, but it does take time. Also, my dd was grumpy and miserable for the first three months. Her life had been turned upside down too and, while I understood, I often felt irritable with her. Like me, she had no friends that she felt comfortable with or anyone's house to go to in order to escape the chaos and tension at home. But she turned a corner too and is now happy and contented and much more settled. I know that there is no practical advice here, just a little hope that even under difficult circumstances, things can get better after a move.

Yvetteredmond @ hotmail dot com If you need me anytime ok? (even if its just to grumble

thanks everyone - feel a bit better now. going to change back to my happy alter ego. but i'll prolly be back soon enough!

ADs may not work (I don't rate them as a stand alone treatment) but some CBT might x

NameChangerNotATroll - I apologise if this suggestion offends you, but have you considered moving back to where you previously lived, trying to get DH a job there (hoping that there is more than his old place there that can use his skills) and also trying to get your old job back/a position in that same company? Would this be an option? I have just done a 150 mile house move so I can understand a lot of what you are saying.

namechanger, i am sorry you are having such a shit time. It sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you. As people have said to me, DH is a big boy now and can make his own decisions and live with them, or do something about it. Sorry, i know that sounds blunt, but i am in a similar but quite different situation to you where i am worried for DP, but i cant, not any more, i have to sort my own head out.

I totally empathise with the mess thing, it really gets you down doesn't it.

The wonderful posters on here made me do one thing at a time. My house is still a mess, but i am getting there, albeit slowly (probably be ok in about ten years time!). So, maybe just one box a day, get DS to "help" let him look in the boxes with you and then give him stuff he cant damage. I have a similar problem with dd (2.5) and the other day i thought, right, i'll do an hour. We ended up tidying and cleaning for the whole day (not so you wuold notice) DD just seemed to be in the grove, so be lead by DS.

I would hate snobby M&T brigade, dont give up though, it takes time. Talk to the people YOU think are interesting, fuck the rest of them. I tend to make a bee line for the scruffiest mum in the room now - they are always the most interesting. I used to try and talk to the yummy mummies as i guess i aspired to be one, but they look at you like you are something they have stepped in, their loss is what i say!!

Hopefully you will be back at work soon. I hope things get better for you. IVe only read OP so apologies if repeating or contradicting.

namechangernottroll, i have now read some more of your posts, not all, im not supposed to be here .

Firstly, i am in an more similar situation than i thought, i have a thread running at the moment, we have debt problems and it is dire. As for the self harming, ive been there too - long time ago and im determined not to do this again. Please please please talk to someone.

Give your GP a chance, they wont force you onto ADs, they might offer them, and it might be worth considering (LEM reminds herself to take hers!). What were you on before? It might mean you need something different. Does your DH now about this?

Try not to be so hard on yourself, all the bad things have happened TO you, not because of you. But you can take control, you ARE, your getting your CV out there and sorting nursery out. (more than i have done).

As for you being the sort of SAHM that xenia describles, she doesnt live in the real world like the rest of us. I bet she would love to have had the chance to be home with her children the way we have - she is most likely jealous.