Intrusive Thoughts

[LoveBugBride]

I have just started accessing treatment for my mental health so I am taking positive steps.

I have these episodes every 2 or 3 months where I spiral into a desperate state and self harm. They only last for a few hours.

This time though I was thinking about what would happen to the kids if I just killed myself, when would be best to do it, who would find me, where would be best, how to do it without hurting anyone else.

I wasn't thinking - OMG I am at rock bottom I want to die. But just calm thoughts around the logistics of it.

It's scared me, I haven't really felt like that before. I am fairly certain I don't want to kill myself so where did these thoughts come from.

I always thought intrusive thoughts were thinking you are going to kill yourself right now.

Hello,

I suffered for many, many many years with intrusive thoughts not knowing what they were but believing I was maybe some kind of monster. Intrusive thoughts can be absolutely anything. When I was a student, I would get them occasionally about murdering one of my house mates. I didn't want to, I liked them all! But my mind would, in a state of anxiety and PTSD (since diagnosed) spiral into some god awful dark place and it would be terrifying. Then, when I became a parent i would have terrible intrusive thoughts about harming my baby. The cold, calmness of thinking through the logistics, as you say, was horrific.
I have had extensive counselling and worked with psychiatrist and had a course of citalopram and now I rarely get them. They are nothing to do with you or your character or intentions any more than getting a cold or flu or other illness! They are a product of anxiety or trauma. I find it helpful to acknowledge the thought, out loud if safe or necessary to do so, and dismiss it. Try and physically and mentally move on to something else, put on something light and funny on TV or radio and reassure yourself you are safe.
I wish I had known what these were years ago, I wasted so much of my teens and 20s so scared! Not to mention my post natal months.
Please talk to your gp if you are suffering, you don't need to feel like this xxx

Thank you for your kind words. I have just started An online CBT course so I am hoping
I will be able to get better through that.

I am glad you are feeling better!

Hi @LoveBugBride , I currently suffer from intrusive thoughts and have recently had a diagnosis of OCD without the repetitive hand washing and counting. Mine usually centre around my children and cause me a great deal of distress. I occasionally have the odd suicidal thought too however, I definitely do not want to die or harm my kids in any way. Intrusive thoughts pick at the most taboo subjects and when you react to them it gives the amygdala a signal you are in immediate danger and thus, the viscous cycle begins. I don’t take any medication and am currently receiving CBT therapy for it which after just 1 session I feel it’s helped a little. I find if you say it out loud, you realise how ridiculous it is and laugh it of. Don’t get into arguments with these thoughts and don’t seek reassurance. Acknowledge the thought and let it float through and Imagine a hoover coming along and sucking it up. Get on with whatever activity you were previous to the thought and try not to dwell on it. The saying “I am not my thought, and my thought is not me” this has helped me a great deal. I hope you get the help I have been so lucky to get xx

That sounds very helpful and I will try to give it a go. A hoover - great I can do that. I am a very visual person in terms of emotions so I think I can do this.

I am also a very visual person, it definitely does help. I heard it on a meditation session on Spotify, another great thing to help relieve anxiety and intrusive thoughts xx

I wrote a suicide note on my
Phone , I had no plan to kill
Myself but at the time wanted to and wanted to write why I was feeling that way
I was trained that something like that Is an intention but I knew I wasn't going to do it
I hope you're ok xx

i think the solution is go with the thoughts, they are just thoughts and nothing will happen. I think if you try to supress it gets worse. maybe the less attention you give them the easier it will become.