Struggling

[citrussnap]

Hello

Posting for another view, to organise my thoughts and maybe hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation.

I had a parental bereavement earlier this year after a short terminal illness. I'm now at the point life is back to normal, I am back at work and trying to manage whilst looking after my very young child (my first). My partner is great and tries to help where he can.

I feel like I'm supposed to be ok now but I'm not. It feels like I'd been numb for so long and now that has worn off and the reality of what has happened the last year keeps playing out in my head. Along with a stressful job I keep feeling very low and hopeless. I'm worried that if I keep trying to carry on I could end up feeling worse. It feels too much, sometimes I don't feel well, like I can't cope.

I need to look after myself for my daughters sake. Where would I begin to get help? Could time heal or should I be proactive now? I try exercise and self care and all sorts to try to do the right thing but I wonder if I need more.

Thank you

Boring caveat - everyone is different

My father died after a few months of terminal illness. I struggled with flashbacks of those months.

I genuinely found that distraction was a good idea. My friend went through similar at a similar time. She had therapy to "process" it and I think it made her worse.

Has anything made you laugh lately? I discovered Fleabag a couple of months after he died and it was great to have a 25 min episode of complete distraction. Not a recommendation as it deals with bereavement but it was good for me as I like to look deeply into scripts and storylines etc.

Anything is fine. In a previous bereavement, the first time I suddenly had a moment of normalcy was in a shop where I realise they were playing a new song by a favourite band.

There was, I think, a period of upset that I couldn't protect him from the bad stuff. But I could protect myself from replaying that in my head.

Even if you just watch a silly cartoon on YouTube, these are still steps forward. I read the book A Summer To Die, by Lois Lowry, when I was a teen. These lines stay with me

"Time goes on, and your life is still there, and you have to live it. After a while, the jagged edges of sadness are softened by memories". (Not verbatim).

I actually found the jagged edges were softened by the small good moments in life that are still there. I'm a pessimist and even I think that.

The stressful job isn't something I can help with, I was freelancing and took a long break. If you feel you can't cope with that, what are your options for a bit of time off?

I lost my mum 42 years ago and my dad 3 months ago and I wouldn’t say you ever get back to normal but slowly adjust.
I was 14 when my mum died and things were very different, you were expected to move on quickly and no one ever talked to me. It’s taken me until recently to realise I’ve never dealt with losing my mum but I’ve had some counselling recently and found it very helpful.
After my dad died I was offered lots of bereavement counselling and maybe it’s something you’d consider? It may give you the opportunity to open up to someone who understands about how you’re feeling.

Re getting back to "normal"

Again, boring answer, everyone is different. I just wanted to address it because last year, my friend lost her dad and she was particularly distressed by people saying stuff about life never being the same again.

It depends on your life of course but for some of us, life can be the same in the sense of good things returning to normal. I had to reassure of that because she had so many people saying that wouldn't happen.

I wasn't so unlucky with things people said but one friend did say "it never gets better - it just gets different." Luckily I knew that wouldn't be the case for me but I think it's quite a risky thing to say.

For someone in a fragile state to be told "it never gets better" doesn't sit right with me.

Thank you so much for replying, I think it's made me realise I perhaps need to find some sort of space to talk about what has happened even if it is a support group or something. It feels like I have no outlet to ever even mention what happened. I've read your replies a few times and have found them helpful. I'll definitely rewatch fleabag!

I thought being back at work would help but I'm now in quite a toxic team and I realise my resilience levels must not be what they were. I'm finding myself unable to function normally several times a week as I feel so empty sometimes. There's work stress and then that seems to lead to me replaying moments from the last year in my head. I'm starting to worry as it is affecting my ability to be a good mum to my child. It's hard to know what is to be expected after a big bereavement and what are warning signs that I may need more help.