Friend has become unpleasant

[Tageis]

A long standing friend (lets call her Betty) has been epileptic since her teens. The seizures were well controlled until she hit the menopause, when she had several bad seizures. Her medication has been adjusted and the seizures have stopped.

However, Betty has changed. I believe that she has been told that the seizures may have caused some damage.

Betty wants to be the centre of attention all the time. She dominates every conversation. She tells self-aggrandising stories which seem implausible.

This week we had a birthday get-together for another friend. Betty arrived with a card and gift, but apart from that she virtually ignored the guest of honour. She kept talking, including stories about people none of us knew, and weren't interested in, and if anyone tried to change the subject she just interrupted with a new story. She also told a nasty story about someone we did know, which was embarrassing.

It was as though we were her audience, not her friends.

People are starting to avoid her, including one of her adult children.

Is this likely to be temporary? It seems mean to avoid her when she is clearly not well. Is there a way of including Betty without letting her dominate everything?

Sounds like my friend who was diagnosed with a mental illness - can't remember what but pretty much like this. She would not accept the diagnosis. Divorced, continues to act like she is correct/ centere of attention. I leave a room if I see her in a party. Nightmare. You can't do anything.

I don't think she's disputing the diagnosis - she just seems to be unaware that her stories about how wonderful she is are unbelievable, and that no-one wants to listen to her talking endlessly and dominating every conversation.

Seizures can cause major personality changes and while brain damage can heal, a lot of the time, the changes are permanent. The person can't help it, often is unaware of it and if they are made aware, they may not be able to do anything about it.

I know when my grandad had cancer, the medication they had him on caused him to fit a lot and he changed completely. Most noticeably after his 7th fit.

Not sure if it was a result of the seizure itself or the medication but he went from being a very chilled out, positive and gentle man to being so short tempered and aggressive that his carers refused to be alone with him. He had to be a 2 person call, preferably male/female or both male as he was very strong.

He was always the one who did the discipline in the family because he was so calm and if grandad took you off to the potting shed for a chat, you knew you'd fucked up and you came back shamefaced and remorseful. He just had a gentle, matter of fact way of talking to kids that made them listen.

After the seizure he was completely different. Kept telling the kids that he would die soon because their shouting and playing up was too much for him. He was downright nasty and aggressive.

A few times he seemed like himself again for a few minutes and looked horrified at whatever he had said. Kept saying he was sorry, he didn't mean to, this isn't me etc. Told me to stop bringing the kids as he was afraid of what he would say to them and to tell them that he didn't mean it, it wasn't really grandad talking and that he loved them. Honestly it was like he was possessed. A couple of weeks before he passed he told us that he had had a good innings and not to be upset and to remember him, not 'this fucking psychotic cunt you've been looking after.'

So it's possible that she does know she's changed but it's equally possible that she doesn't and realising it could be quite frightening for her.

I don't know what I'm advising you to do, I don't know tbh. Just wanted to share an experience that might help you understand how much brain damage can affect someone.

A guy I used to work with had suffered a head injury and the resulting damage had severly changed his personality. People we worked with said he was a completely different person, and sadly a lot of it manifested as anger, it was very sad. He was under care, and it clearly was something he was struggling with, but couldn't help.

I wouldn't say her personality has changed, it's just become unpleasant.

For example, she's always dressed well, and taken pride in her appearance. Now she's claiming that men find her so attractive that they can't keep their eyes off her, and has several silly stories about this. She's definitely more attractive than the average 50 something woman, but the idea that she has lots of secret admirers is daft.

Also some of the men she claims fancy her are married, so her stories are potentially hurtful to them and their wives.

How can you be hurt by someone who is delusional because of a brain injury? That would itself be quite a self centred response for an adult to have.

It sounds very sad. If she is a close friend, can you remember the person she was and maintain some kind of contact? If she wasn't a close friend then I imagine you will drift apart if this is a permanent character change.

Tragic for her.

My mother nearly starved to death because of her chronic illness. Her personality changed, she can no longer empathise with others and all conversations are centred around her now.

You say her personality hasn’t changed, but from what you have said, she says nasty things, has delusions men are after her (or is compulsively lying about it) hogs conversations by lack of awareness to talk about people/subjects the listeners are interested in sounds exactly like a personality change brought on by a medical event.

I interact with my mother differently now, the mother that raised me is gone, but the woman who is there now, is deserving of love, empathy and patience. It is sad her children are distancing themselves, but understandable as it’s hard to see your own mother change. Maybe organise events like films etc, mini golf where there is activity that the conversation can form around, and be patient when she dominants conversations. She won’t know she is doing it and the old her would be mortified.

*aren’t interested in

Why don't you just tell her then? Everything you've written?

Irrespective of the epileptic episodes or not if she's become horrible and intolerable why don't you just tell her?

Apparently every diabetic hypo I've ever had causes a small amount of damage.

MargotChateau, when I said her personality hadn't changed, I meant that she still has the same interests and likes and dislikes. It's not as though she was a vegetarian, but now eats meat, or used to love cats, but is now a dog person, or used to vote Labour but now votes Tory. What has changed is that she wants / needs to be the centre of attention, and some of her anecdotes are clearly stories she has invented / imagined to make herself look good.

ArcticSkewer She's a longstanding friend, rather than a close friend. I've know her since our kids were toddlers, 25 years ago. The group who met up for the birthday get-together have all known each other for about that length of time. None of us are besties, but we've maintained a friendship group for a long time.

She seemed oblivious to the fact that she wasn't the focus of the get-together, and just talked on, and on, and on. If anyone else tried changing the subject, she just interrupted with a new story.

Oblomov22, her adult child has told us that confronting her about her behaviour triggers a tantrum. Apparently one tantrum was so bad that neighbours called the police to report screaming coming from her house. So we're wary or saying anything.

MargotChateau, thanks for the suggestion of organising films etc for future nights out. That's a really good suggestion.