Advice Please - I think DH is suffering from Depression

[BabiesRFun]

Our DS is 6 weeks old, and DH is struggling to cope with the change.

He is complaining of the noise DS makes, the lack of sleep. He does not believe that the situation will improve, as everyone is telling us that DS will be a lot easier to manage at 12 weeks - but DH said that will not be the case. He said he is trying to love him. He also said that he cannot do anything, we cannot do anything and our life has changed forever.

Last night he managed to stroke DS head once he had fallen asleep - this was the only contact he had with him, and this morning he left for work without even touching / kissing either of us.

However whenever we have visitors he manages to hold or feed him, but when we are alone there is very little contact with DS.

Help... has anyone else experienced similar or do you have any advice.

Congratulations on the birth of DS.

No experience of this, hopefully someone will be along with help.

Could not read and run

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yes experienced similar.

Have you mentioned this to your MW?

He has had a huge life changing experience (as have you) and he needs to learn to cope with it. Does he have any good friends who are Dads who might be able to help him see all is not los?. I know men aren't good at talking about their feelings at the best of times but he needs to get this sorted. Have you asked him what help he needs to get used to the baby?

I'm not really going to be able to give good advice here but what I wanted to say was that he has to sort this out as you are going to need his support over the next few years. If he avoids the baby, doesn't do his share of helping out it is only going to get worse. He is just going to have to bite the bullet and get stuck in regardless or he's going to end up like my hubby who 3.5 years down the line realises what an idiot he has been. He didn't get involved because he was depressed about it all. He didn't get help as he didn't need to (I just did everything instead). He ended up with a daughter who would not go to him for feeds, nappy changes or anything. Thankfully things have improved after much kicking up the bottom from me and him seeing other dads in action.

btw - my DH could also do the 'hands on dad' look when on show. Made me rather at forst then later rather

I would definitely mention this to your MW - she should be able to give you some constructive advice instead of rambling on like I have.

I'm not sure this is depression, just life after having a new baby! Sorry to be flippant, you're clearly worried and it must be incredibly difficult for you, but I don't think that this is that unusual.

Speaking as a guy, I absolutely loved DD from the second she was born and loved being with her, looking after her etc. BUT, whilst most guys are like this, there are also an awful lot of guys who find taking to fatherhood really difficult. I remember one mate saying (admittedly a few months later) that he almost couldn't stand being around his daughter after she was born and the sound of her crying drove him demented. A few others have said similar, albeit less extreme.

I think the problem is that in the first 2-3 months, new babies aren't really a lot of fun. They cry a lot of the time, they don't smile for the first 6 weeks, they don't recognise mummy and daddy, they don't play. What's worse is they make bedlam all around them - lack of sleep, sex, food, time to self. At the risk of speaking utter bollocks, I don't think guys always bond with the new baby as quickly as the mum - maybe because of the pregnancy, the hormones, the birth, the breast feeding or cos they're a bit crap, I don't know, but this does seem to be the case. If the guy doesn't bond that quickly, then all he can see is all the miserable stuff the baby brings with it.

No real specific advice I'm afraid but on a massive plus point, all the guys I know who've struggled now love their little ones to bits and recognise that they were shit. The guy who was probably the worst has just had their second and this time he's fantastic. I think it's just a matter of time - in the meantime, just make sure he stays involved and don't try and 'make' him love DS - it will absolutely come.

I think cestlavie has made some really good points there - thank goodness there are some men on MN too

Thanks for the advice. We have had a good talk and we are working through the issues. I think it will take some time and lots of effort on both sides. But hopefully it will work out well.

And I agree with coby, cestlavie gave me an understanding of a mans point of view too. so I can try and be empathetic.