Feeling lost

[Nowheretogo1985]

I just wondered if anyone else had felt like me.
Recently I've just felt like I'm on a complete hamster wheel of life....I feel like life is passing me by. I am married coming up to 10 years and have two children. Due to turn 40 next year which feels like an epic milestone that I'm not ok with! It's playing on my mind constantly. I just think the last ten years of my life have flown by, so will the next.....and then I'll be 50. I've started to wonder lately what is life is all about? not in a suicidal way, just feel confused about my purpose. Have been in a job for 12 years that I'm v unhappy in so think that's contributing to how lost I feel currently. No idea what else I what do work wise though..
I was on sertraline for two years before weaning off three months ago. Not sure if what I'm describing here is a relapse of low mood or a mid life crisis!! Interested to hear if others have felt similar x

I'm 37 and honestly been feeling like this last couple of yrs. Had our lovely Dd 3 yrs ago but gone through hell tbh. Difficult birth but DH spent most of first yr doing a phd he didn't need to do, no night help, lost my mum to cancer after she was born too, dad had HFailire and he was managing to go running most mornings at 6, I digress but I felt like wth have I done then hitting 37 jjsy gone and realising 3 yrs have passed and no family give a toss about us o wondered myself what is it all about, is this jjsy how it goes for some of us. This prob isn't helping I'm sorry I just can relate to you and maybe this will mean you feel less on your own... I hope!! I'm trying my abs best to not let 40 bother me, life can wear you down it's hard but I think sometimes we know what we need to do but circumstance gets in our heads and we don't do what we know we would do taking all the circumstantial crap out of it! My DH says he's lost interest to do any DIY; falls asleep at 8.30 most nts, tried talking to him about redec DD bedroom tells me he needs some peace; I have not brought her here to feel like im sleeping next to grandad!!! He's 38 not 68!!! More 68 yos have got more life in them, this is what I'm trying to say, I keep being told jjsy leave and go it alone, it'll be totally sh*y until I'm out but the elation of no snoring being able to do whatever decorating I want; talk to whoever past 8.30 on the phone so I'm not waking him up, not dealing with the non existent family at all may be bliss! Is this how you're sort of feeling?? Honestly I have never let any of this erode me, my soul and spirit and my fire away, I know what I need to do but I need to locate my balls and get on with it, life's too short, look how fast 10 yrs go! We need to make the very short time we have here count as it really sore go so fast if we're lucky enohhh to make it even to 50 tbh nowadays as some of us like my poor mum get the crappy health dealt and have issues before then 😦 I wish I had an amazing phrase of wisdom rihht now that would sum up I what I'm trying to say, perhaps someone else will know one x x x

How did you wean off the meds? Slowly and on advice of medical professional? If not that could be the issue.

Everyday I wake up I know it's a blessing, each yr that's passed where I haven't been yet diagnosed with a serious health issue I feel so so lucky! But why do some of us think it'll be easier to put up with what wr know out of fear of what could be, fear! It's fear of the unknown, sometimes it's better the devil the know we tell ourselves, it'll get easier, it's just a phase but then you here saying how often 'omg here we go again'! I think for some of us mostly the women and perhaps the slightly older parents now (younger parents do seem to share things more I've noticed but that's my pov) I'm going to say who do most of the parenting and take the career Backfoot for the family that put up due to worries about money and fear of loneliness as maintaining ant life outside of a family for most like that without a great support network can be very hard esp if you have a clingy child whjch I do and no support from the big family that turns out now cba!! How many of us sit there at home feeling like this, I see tons of threads like this, it's endemic!! I'm now thinking there needs to be a dedicated group for everyone like this. Getting close to 40 is bound to make you stop and think about things it's normal and getting older is also a thing in itself to take in too, aging parents too its all bloody fun, perhaps when we get to this stage we need a mid life crisis in a more positive way it's almost like your souls way of saying you've got to enjoy this as much as you can, stop taking it all so seriously and get out and enjoy of it what you can whilst you can, and ignore those playing it safe naysayers! I'll likely get blasted here but it really makes me wonder about it all and I'm glad I am, don't want to get to 50 and be like crap I should've realised this when I was 40 too, that's my pov anyway x

When you say you feel like your on the hamster wheel and worry 50 will be upon you... do you feel happy with these yrs that flew by on the whole? I think if yes then perhaps you could be getitng a low mood, perhaps, but then the rush of it all is going to get you down that's totally normal, does it feel deeper than that, I feel perhaps you're not wholly happy in some way but I may be wrong x x

Re the work that's totally normal too! So many of us have to take jobs that 'fit' our main role or need in life; my job does, it is not at all what i wanted to do, but what I'm good at isn't the 9-5 I now need due to family life needs, as the kids get older they're starting to move on with their lives more and your bound to start wondering when they reach a certien age it doesn't matter about this job fitting around them so much, do not let age put you off pursuing a totally different career, my dad retrained to be a nurse early 40s, I have the same dream to get out of the work I do when my daughter is 16 except I will be 50! 😬 but it's something that's keeping me going that one day perhaps we may even be going to college together at the same time, you need to think about what you're 'enjoy and love' to do more and when the avenue to it will or May open up for you in the future; o don't know if this has been of any help but I hope so I hate seeing people feeling lost as I know how it feels; don't feel alone x x

Ah so many lovely responses on here, thank you all for your comments. @mistymoo555 can't believe there are so many threads on here about people feeling similar. That makes me feel really sad, didn't realise it was so common to feel lost like this. I guess you have kids, you go to to work and your life just revolves around this cycle of work and childcare. I hate my job but it fits perfectly around the children and I only work 4 days a week. I will struggle to get a job that is as flexible as what I have now. But it was so inspiring to hear @mistymoo555 that your dad retrained to become a nurse later on in life. That's made me think that it is possible and given me the drive to see what else is out there. I am unhappy in some way, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I feel like my marriage is stale so maybe that's the crux of this whole issue. I am absolutely craving to feel loved and cared for again. I miss conversation as my husband is not a talker. He is also as sleepy as your DP, Weirdly!!! He has a nap every single day and Sunday without fail. He goes to bed at 9pm. Sometimes I've wondered if he's also Low in mood given how much he sleeps. I dunno...lots going on for me at the moment, need to re-evaluate a few things. Life is a blessing as others have said and old age should be seen as a privilege....I'm just not feeling that at the moment. Defo need to have more fun, one of my friends suggested we go abroad for our 40ths....i was pretty much packing my suitcase as she was saying it! x

@Nowheretogo1985 I'm feeling exactly the same way about my life as you! We're not happy deep down with it all, that's how I feel. I think we lose ourselves. I wish I'd seen the cracks sooner with DH as they were there but I just didn't recognise what could have lay ahead. He works very hard and justifies how much he does for the family I appreciate what he does so much but I did not feel supported from a child care perspective, I went through a lot of pain and the lack of sleep was awful yet he was managing to rise from 5.30-6 most mornings to run, never offered a lie in, I moaned daily about how tired I was, he rarely took her out on his own, he jjsy didn't take to it at all, looked uncomfortable in parks, never looked happy it was gutting! We bicker a lot & there is no love at all! Like you I crave love and care! My job also is very mundane, I don't feel I'm contributing anything hugely worthwhile to society & it gives me no drive to get up but atm I'm stuck with it, but it won't be forever but atm it kind of is. If it helps knew a mum that had 3 kids and when they got to around 15 she retrained to be an icu nurse and did it, she was 40, so inspiring! I've come across many posts like this as I've been trying to find words of wisdom to get the courage to see what I'm in here and work out what I need to do. My DH is not a talker either, I don't know how I didn't see it coming before I think I thought prob quite naively that things would improve when DC came along but it made things very much worse! I just don't think he's honestly enjoying family life it's sad for us all 😞 Yes I think old age is a priv too I agree. It's so easy to become locked in to the cycle too, I think when you know you know if it's not working but if that's not the case it's a case or sitting down together and having a big talk and finding ways to find your spark together, babysitters and time out together until it gets easier, I read somewhere if you have it Chuck money at it, take any help you've got and be inspired that thrrr are people out there retraining later in life too. If you think low mood is a factor Gp may be able to help with a. Short course of something, won't hurt to try if that doesn't solve the problem then you know it's cognitive in sense of the other issues you stated which tbh I think it may be, the hamster wheel is bound to make anyone feel low, it's a stark contrast for example from the free life of being a child/teenager when you had no ties. The stress of it all worries me most, like I know if I keep putting up with this I'm going to make myself I'll and for the sake of DC I know I should not let that happen, I have to put them first so I am ensuring as much as I can that I'm here for them. I feel like Im putting up with a lot of short term daily stress because I can't face the huge upheaval that I know is ahead but only intially if I decide to part ways but I know the daily life will change vastly as I won't be putting up with a lot
Of the things I am. I think what's stopping me is that support like my job for eg they're all the same, treated like a non entity, work very hard, her any praise we literacy have meetings about all the things that aren't being done properly because it's so busy but never ever been praises, none of us have it's terrible!! This is a government organisation too, I really need to consider moving in to another section but that's a whole other issue im saving for another day atm it's more bearable than my Plife. But if I wanted to jjsy leave I could if it got very bad as have my DP support but on my own it's different I'd have to have another to go to from there like most of us it's jjsy challenging. Years ago I think it was very more common for most women being more home bodies and jjsy worrying about parenting but juggling work as well on top it's very busy. My friend doesn't work her partner does she's so Relaxed and chilled and loves being a sahm but her children are a lot more laid back than mine, if he has a bad day she has bags of patience as she's not been at work all day herself I do notice a stark contrast in how they're living to how we are and it's making me wonder also if perhaps we've got too much on like maybe We need to scale back more to relieve some pressure! It's hard working out what will work...do you feel like that?? X x

I've just experienced a prime example of why I must leave! Dd woken in a foul mood, this is common, he was out running & taking the dog for his 15 min walk, I get he up and almost read, she has a tantrum I put her in timeout, he comes bk and says she's in one again, yes can he help, he does but I say I feel terrible as I have terrible acid reflux all nt dr thinks due to stress. In conversation I raise how I saw his sister had posted over 2 mths ago about being pregnant she'd blocked up from seeing this but for some reason I can see it with the date stamp, none of his family have made had any involvement with our DC since she was born, he's never made any effort thohh with his own family but I always have tried my best, buying their birthday and Xmas gifts, hardly ever reciprocated but I should have seen it all coming and I hate myself for it! He then starts to become funny and I said it's just said he has 3 sisters and none cba and neither can his parents, I said it's hard feeling like they don't care and it's Sad on DC, I just never saw it coming and it's getitng me down and I don't think I'd have done this had I realised how hard this would feel, he then says if you're not happy then you know what you can do, pack your things today and leave!! He's said this before a couple of times, why is it me that has to leave, because I am not the breadwinner?! Because he's paying the £600 mortgage, am I not paying the £600 nursery bill and half towards all the food shops and as much else as I can afford and I'm virtually broke all month, I work 3 full time days, I earn PT around 1050 a mth, he earns £65k FT he has his own savings, he's made savings for DC I literally live month to month on my wages, paying for all of DC clothes, bkg most day trips out and presents for her friends parties. I think he's only ever brought her a handful of items, I sort all her Xmas and birthdays out, he never says she'd love this for x or I've got her this, only very rarely. I said if you cared you would not easily be able to stand there and say get your stuff and go then and it's not the first time. He is aggressive also, he looks me dead in the eye with such contempt he hates me I'm sure of it and he hasn't held back before I ended up having to call the police out on Mat leave when I questioned the lack of support with childcare when I was exhausted but he was managing to run nearly every morning he didn't like it and wouldn't let me leave the room, he forced me bak wilat I was holding the baby! That was it I couldn't believe it, but I'm still here 😣

I feel like this too. Hurtling towards 40, feeling old, with a job that's OK, but nothing special and not knowing where the last few years have gone. I don't have kids though and always wonder whether that's why I feel so unfulfilled, so interesting to hear that even with kids, other people feel like this.

@Tomatoo6 I think it's very difficult to spend so much working in a job that does not fulfill you, some people can switch it off but some of us we can't, with kids they drive us to get up and do it but having kids can also be draining and challenging at times, it's not all fun esp if there are differnt personalities etc, the daily routine becomes exactly that, I don't think as we get older we feel any much different in the sense of wanting something fulfilling and differnt to look forward to we just accept the routine has to be but some days or a lot of days it becomes boring!! We also have so much more information to the outside world at our fingertips and that can really make you think more about where your headed, in your own bubble workout all this outside knowledge you maybe don't notice it as much and don't then think about it as much. I think generally for women it's changing, we are born to be mothers but nowadays we are so much more also, more women want careers whjch is fine but it is hard to balance both when children enter the mix as it's a balance of time and money also...life, never simple is it!!

Well it's good to know I'm not on my own feeling like this. Although pretty sad to hear so many others feel the same. There's definitely something about turning 40 that makes you reassess everything....."hurtling towards 40" I liked that expression @Tomatoo6 !! On a rollercoaster and unable to get off. Feel like I've blinked and here I am. I don't think the pandemic has helped matters, feel like I e lost two years of my life. Not sure really a way out of this tbh. I need a new job but as you said @mistymoo555 maybe the pressure is all a bit too much and we need to step back a bit, I guess we are feeling overwhelmed. So there's hardly any point in me finding a new job that's going to entail an added level of stress and more hours. But honestly my current role drains the life out of me so that's not helping matters. I feel trapped in lots of ways. And discontent and unfulfilled. And I'm not really sure how you get that drive back xx

@Nowheretogo1985 it sounds like you need a bit of a rest first, it's hard to see the wood for the trees perhaps when your so tired to think about what your drive is anymore...perhaps if it's a possibility something a lot easier for a break for a while may be a good idea to take the pressure off let yourself relax a bit and then you may start to get a spring back in your step to fig out what you want to do, Ive seriously considered working in Tesco and that's no joke! Packing shelves in relative peace and not staring at a screen all day and being able to physically move around whilst getting a bit fitter sounds like bliss compared to my role which is the exact opposite to all these things!! The type of roles that drain us are always available to go back to that's for certain but if you can take a break for a bit perhaps it might be worth considering a little Tesco/aldi shop role and you might also make some nice new friends along the way x x

@mistymoo555 it's so funny you should say that...me and my work colleagues say about going to work in Aldi all the time. We might actually earn more money there and wouldn't have half the stress.
Thanks for your kind words it means alot. A step back is probably needed. I have some time off coming up so the chance to take a break from the hamster wheel. My husband works long hours so I do all school drop off and picks up, tea, bags packing for next day etc. It's tiring. Will be nice to have a break from that.
I keep thinking about Deborah James at the moment. I feel bad for feeling low and moaning about stuff when in reality there is nothing catastrophically wrong in my life. Look at the zest she had for life. I really need to use that as inspiration.
You probably could do with a break yourself, you've got an awful lot going on too. Sounds like we have a lot of similar things going on in lives at the moment. Maybe if we felt appreciated, understood, respected and loved by our other halves, things would be feel a lot easier xx

I feel the same OP. I'm naturally an optimistic person I think but as time goes on it feels like that's being sapped from me. I think you come to realise life is full of hardship whether you die early or late... for me I struggle because I used to seek solace in nature but now all I can think about is how the earth is dying and can't be saved when I am surrounded by beauty. I worry for my kids. So I feel I have no safe space or sanctuary. I remember my parents being 40 and it's hard to now be in those shoes! Life is hard xx

@Nowheretogo1985 I think the crux of the issue is we need to ask ourselves what are we driving for, if we're shattered with all this work or type of work we need to stop and say hang on I'm not happy like this, do we do this for a bigger house or for a fancier care of type of lifestyle if so we need to think is it worth it then as what I'm working flat out for is actually on the daily making me miserable and it's wearing me down. Some things may have to go to step off the gas so everyone can breathe, you need to be as happy as you can in life and if you're not as a unit you've got to all discuss what you can do/change/drop or let go off to let something else come back up flowering, it doesn't have to be permenant but it needs addressing and dealing with and the sooner the better as we have seen so many of us don't get that far in life, if we knew we only had so long we would be living our daily lives differently as best we can. I drove so hard got material things I grew up poor but the novelty soon wears off and at the end of the day you still get from a-b whether you're in a Bentley or in a Vauxhall Corsa, who cares, put yourself first, you've got to be happy with you and anyone that is decent won't care what you dress in, car you drive, where you holiday or how sodding big or not your house is, they'd jjsy want you to be happy, even if that means your circle is small it'll be very tight x x x

@herecomesthepun our parents no doubt i guarantee had the same worries but when we're children we see life throhhh a beautiful rose tinted lense (it's precious) it's the most magical and pure time of your life being a child, so we have to put ourselves in their shoes and know that they don't see what's really happening around us only what's right in front of them. We can only show them what beauty there is around us today and the importance of this and perhaps maybe if we can push ourselves to get them out there as much as we possibly can those memories will be even bigger so when they get to 40 instead of busting a gut driving for something that societal pressures tells us inadvertently what we need to be spending our money on to make the world go round mostly at the gain of a few they may instead by a home with a big beautiful garden and spend more time creating memories there outside and their children may do the same...I used to love the bright tv commercials as a kid with all the toys I thought it was amazing, now I see it as an abs barrage of companies desperate to make a buck - make the most of your kids whilst they're still young, they'll figure all this out for themselves one day in the meantime don't worry yourself feeling you need to tell them it'll only depress them, if you can teach them to learn to appreciate nature they'll understand it all in time x x x

Sorry to hear this OP. I too felt 40 as a looming milestone, but now I'm on the other side- over 2 years in, I'm loving my 40's!! Feel like it's a time of self discovery, plus I feel much less bothered by other people. I hear my friends of the same age saying very similar things.

Maybe you will find a new purpose in your 40's- a new chapter which is surprisingly enjoyable. That's certainly what I've found. Hope things get better soon.

@herecomesthepun I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way too. Try not to focus too much of your energy on the fact that the world is dying, that is really not healthy for you. Enjoy the things you love about nature and try not to focus on that, that's enough to make anyone feel down. All you can do is play your part, no matter how small, in trying the protect the world we live in. There is so much beauty around try not to let your fear of what's happening to our planet over shadow your love of nature. You have to live for the moment and all that. Maybe I need to take some of my own advice here!!
@spinachmonster ah thank you! That was very reassuring to hear. I really hope that's the case. I have heard a few ppl say that about turning 40. I hope that confidence and sense of purpose finds me at some point along the way X

I see a lot of people like this day-to day. There is always someone to talk to and always light in a tunnel, never mind at the end. Sometimes just understanding why the brain works in that way can be quite helpful

I think the main reason is my marriage and how unhappy I feel. I basically live with someone who barely speaks to me. The tension is palpable. I hate the way this is making me feel. Every exchange between us is difficult in some way. He is so irritated by me. I just wish I could leave.

I see a lot of people in similar positons to yours. You're not alone in your feelings. Do you have people you can speak to?

No noone to talk to. Family members that I would usually tell all have things going on so speaking to Them is not an option. I told him before I was thinking of going back on antidepressants again he asked why and I told him it was because I wasn't feeling good again. He said nothing and carried on watching tv as though I hadn't spoken. It hurts, I'm upset but most of all, I am so so angry 😓

I asked but can’t see a response. Did you wean off the meds slowly on the advice of a medical professional?

@Wolfiefan sorry I meant to reply. I weaned off slowly over a fair few weeks. My mood is all over the place tbh. One minute absolutely fine, the next rock bottom and so low. If you wean too quickly can it cause these kind of symptoms?

@Wolfiefan and yes spoke to my Dr who actually Said I could just stop completely!! Awful advice. He suggested halving dose every other day then and then tapering off over a few weeks. Thought I didn't it slowly tbh. I just think I need to go back on them because I'm not coping very well. But I can't help thinking that if my marriage were better and I had a supportive husband I wouldn't feel I need to reach for the pills.