**Trigger warning - Baby Loss** PTSD affecting my ability to do my job

[Shefliesonherownwings]

2 years ago my daughter, our firstborn was stillborn at 41 weeks. She passed away very unexpectedly during labour. I have had a lot of therapy and continue to do so including for PTSD which I’ve been diagnosed with. The trauma has hugely impacted my cognitive abilities, so my memory, focus and ability to process information quickly is really affected. This is really impacting my job and has done for the last 7 months.

I work in a legal field and have done this job for 5 years. I often have to advise clients on urgent fast paced issues that can be quite high risk. So I could be called to a meeting that day, given a load of info that I’m hearing for the first time and asked to advise there and then. I really struggle with processing lots of information quickly and then giving advice. My memory is shocking so trying to remember the law or the organisations processes on the spot is really hard and I’m struggling with it.

I’m fine with non urgent advice requests, and quite like the project style of some of my cases where I go away, research the law and come up with some written advice. That suits me much better. But the nature of the job is that I have to be able to do both types of advice. I can’t just do the project style work in my team.

Recently I applied for 2 jobs in different teams who do much more of the project style work and I’ve been unsuccessful at getting both. I feel my confidence has really been knocked after the second rejection last week. I got feedback after my first interview and did loads of work on my examples and some memory training. I also asked for a reasonable adjustment during the interview and requested the panel read the questions slowly and give me time to write them down which helps. Except it didn’t really help, I couldn’t remember any examples, I got confused and fluffed my answers and just found the whole thing really stressful again.

These jobs don’t come up often so I’m really gutted I haven’t got them, especially the second one as I prepared so much for it. I feel like I can’t do my job anymore and I have no hope of being successful in an interview because my brain doesn’t work in the way it needs to anymore when it comes to thinking of answers and ticking the right boxes. The thought of being stuck in this job is really stressing me out, I don’t think I can go back in tomorrow. I’m just feeling so low and depressed about it all, I feel as if I really can’t cope with it all.

So sorry for the loss of your DD 💐

I work in the legal sector and I can think of a few practice areas where I can see you’d struggle with the scenarios you’ve given - and even with reasonable adjustments from your employer, the clients aren’t likely to care and just want the job done. You have my sympathies, OP.

Do you work in private practice? Is going in-house an option? Whilst not sedate, the clients are internal mostly, so perhaps a greater opportunity for you have longer to digest the information you’re given?

Is it possible for you to switch practice areas altogether?

Thank you @FfeminyddCymraeg. I should have said but I’m already in-house. I work in the public sector so my clients are internal, although no less demanding!

What I’d like to move into is more of a policy type legal role. Working on more strategic long term projects. I do a little of that now but not much. It’s something I’ve done before in a previous job and liked and I feel it suits me much better now with my PTSD. Unfortunately only a couple of teams internally do this and like I say I haven’t been successful in getting into them. Without recent experience of policy work I think I’d struggle to move into that role in another organisation.

I'm really sorry. That must have been and still be so hard. You haven't mentioned if you've had counselling? Although the diagnosis of PTSD suggests you have.

You could...
Try CBT it you haven't already or specific grief counselling or support group.
Have a holiday, go somewhere relaxing.
Take up a new hobby (art?).
Get plenty of exercise (whatever you enjoy/try something new).
Spent time with your partner, family, friends.
Speak to PALS, they can help you understand what happened, what would be done if you had another baby and may be able to signpost your to places for help/support.

Time will help and while you may not feel ready at the moment, having another baby will make it all a lot easier. You will be monitored really carefully and given more frequent checks.

Give yourself time and space to recover. It is still early days, but it will get better.

Give worrying about your job a rest, do your job as best you can. Let them know the problems you are having. See if they will let you take over more of the projects you say you find easier for a while. It may have been a blessing in disguise not getting those other jobs. You are often better staying somewhere they already know you in times like this.

It will get easier and I promise you will not feel like this forever. Focus on you and trying to relax and enjoy life.

Sorry reread and you do say you've have therapy.