I can´t go on like this any longer and its all my own doing - why wasn´t I happy with my lot?

[pomelo]

Don´t even know where to begin...after spending literally years wanting to move abroad and going on and on to my poor DH about getting a job here (Spain - he´s Spanish) it finally happened last year. I fell pregnant just before we moved and from that point on it no longer felt right. But it was too late, house was sold, resignations in etc before we knew it.

Anyway without going into too much detail I had a horrible time with the birth here and all I wanted to do was go back home, still regret not doing so...

After trying to convince myself things would get better I realise they aren´t and in a lot of ways I feel worse that ever. I have no friends here and am on my own for 10-12 hours a day.I am so lonely and have no one to turn to for reassurance etc regards my baby. I am losing the little confidence I had and am now at the point where I don´t want to go out, get ready etc. I have suffered with depression on and off for years and recognise the signs.

Trouble is we´ve put the money from our UK house sale into our property here, we have nothing to go back to and when I mentioned DH looking into getting a job back in the UK he went mad. He is a wonderful person but I am driving him to the brink, he can´t understand what´s wrong with me.

What´s really killing me is that I know if I hadn´t gone on so much to DH about moving here we would still be in England, he was happy there.

My mind is filled with regrets and destructive/negative feelings that I can´t move on from. I know I can´t turn back the clock but I´m filled with if onlys...

I know nobody can help me as I have created this sorry situation but just needed to get it off my chest.

It does sound hard, the way you are living.

What was it that made you wnat to move to Spain so badly?

Can your DH understand tht things changed when you became pregnant?

Thanks for replying Blu. I always had a connection with Spain, did my degree in Spanish and had spent a lot of time here and always saw myself living here. I thought I preferred the lifestyle and never felt that attached to England. How wrong can one be...?

DH does/did understand I felt differently once I got pregnant but just assumed things would get better once I had time to adjust/settle. Trouble is its just not happening and I don´t think it ever will. Want to run away

what a coincidence - was just on IM with my best friend who moved to Spain just before Christmas. Whereabouts are you? Are you in city or resort or more rural?

Pomelo, how old is your baby now? So many thngs seem to be converging - and many many mothers would be feeling depressed and struggling after a horrible birth and being alone with a small baby.

Can you make a 3 year plan? Find ways to get through the next 6 months or a year - maybe ask DH to come home for lunch when he can, or invite friends or family to stay - but think ahead to how you could create something of the life you envisaged? Think about work, another course, a way to create a place for yourself in the community?

Can you see a Dr about depression?

Lots of MNers are in Spain, aren't they? See if you can find a Spanish MN meet-up group?

Hi Pomelo, Do I know you? If I do get on msn.
I live in Spain too and can completely understand what you are saying. I had my second child [first child here] a year ago and have felt very unsettled ever since.

I meant if I do know you, My msn is on.

If I don't know you, you can PM me. Also have a look at www.mumsinspain.com and www.babycentre.co.uk look under community and they have a section for parents in Spain. Maybe you will find someone near by.

Thanks for your replies ladies. Sorry I didn´t get back in touch last night, I´ve a stinking cold so had an early night!

Thanks for your sound advice Blu. I like the idea of making a 3 year plan and yes making a place for myself in the community would help a lot, just seem to have lost any motivation and confidence I had to do so. Its a vicious circle really....
I do get visitors family and friends over but I find it so hard when they go back

Thanks to you Lucy too - yes you do know me - I´ll pop on MSN later and see if you´re around...

been there pomelo. After 10 years in a small town raising 3 kids I badgered dh (who is a dual national) to get a US job so we could see a bit of the world and have a decent income. He did so, we moved there and I hated it. I didn't get on with Stepford Wives (we moved to north Virginia, all stepford wives and fundie evangelicals), couldn't get on with homeschoolers who all believed in creationism and hated the whole consumer lifestyle.
So had to start badgering dh to move back again. He was enjoying it cos he had a great job and for the first time in our lives we had spare money. But I was so lonely and homesick.
Bless him, but we moved back again just before dd2 was born. We are now poor again but I'm happier although still lonely as dd was born disabled so thats what we do all day but I'd rather be lonely here with devent TV and shops you can walk to than there.

Thanks needmorecoffee for your input, it helps to know I´m not the only one who has done this and wishes she hadn´t. I wonder how long did you stay in the US and did you know straight away that it wasn´t for you?

I understand completely when you say you´d rather be lonely in the UK than abroad, I would too. I crave the familiarity of life back home and totally relate to your comment about TV and shops you can walk to.