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Chronic and debilitating anxiety

5 replies

CrackedActor · 25/06/2022 08:21

For years, since I was a child, I've had very severe anxiety to the point now, at 59, I feel it has prevented me from living life and I'm now starting to beat myself up about that. 18 years ago we moved to a different part of the country owing to financial issues. We have 1 daughter 19, I work a fairly ok job but it's a 5 hour commute most days (applied for 65 jobs in 3 years, got 4 interviews, offered none despite having excellent references and qualifications.) I'm at a point where I've started having panic attacks because I've no real safety net for the future. We are, by most people's standards, poor. I've not had a holiday for 16 years, we skimp on food, I don't use Amazon prime, Apple, Disney etc... I know no one in our area (my friends for the most part are in London, some abroad now, some semi retired.) Recently I've felt the need to exercise a lot, this is not driven by needing to lose weight because I'm slim and often mistaken for being a lot younger than I am. Its like I'm 'driven' to do this. I'm also eating 1 meal per day partly because I feel I may need to save money but also because I feel I'm not deserving. Have spoken 4 times with GP who feels my issue is chronic anxiety made worse by things like long commute, stressed over finances and social isolation with addition of being at work or commuting for long periods of time during the week. I've been feeling this acutely for about 9 years. I'm insanely jealous of colleagues and friends who get to do things like take a break and go on holiday, buy a house or spend Christmas with friends and family. I was wondering if anyone else experiences this kind of 'fear of missing out?' I think part of all this may be upbringing.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 25/06/2022 08:42

What age you doing to change your situation ?

CrackedActor · 25/06/2022 18:12

KangarooKenny I'm continuing to look for another job closer to home and this is my priority because it would free up time for me. I'm taking meds for panic disorder and I'm being assessed for ADHD. I've rarely been to see my GP as I'm not sure if my issues are 'social' rather than medical. I'm tired all the time so I do try to have very good sleep hygiene. I'm unlikely to see friends this year (Summer) but will be trying to schedule a meet up in January.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 26/06/2022 18:57

When you say you don't feel "deserving" of more than 1 meal a day, what's the thought behind this? What was your childhood like?

CrackedActor · 27/06/2022 09:08

My childhood was OK I think. I feel like I don't deserve a lot of things. I've failed in many ways. Once my daughter told her teacher and classmates shed been on holiday to Australia - she's only once been on holiday and that was when she was 3 - it's preyed on my mind. I do work hard and always have done but I just don't get anywhere so I guess I'm not trying enough 🤷

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 27/06/2022 10:20

It's interesting that you've got 'excellent references and qualifications' - which must be objectively true yet subjectively you say you don't deserve a lot of things, you've failed in many ways and you're not trying enough. Do you see the mismatch here in the way others see you and the way you see yourself?

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