Hello everyone
My story in short: moved to Scotland from a small European country when I was 18 to study, met my now husband (from another European country), had a baby at age 21 (him 12 years older), finished uni when my daughter was a baby. Stayed with her at home, loved the city and had great friends there but had to move to South England due to husband's career. It was very hard for me but made some friends, got pregnant second time, dd attended lovely preschool and then school. Also, my sister moved to the same town and it was lovely to have a family member close by.
During all this time we struggled to visit both countries regularly. Especially when Covid hit. My husband always spoke about moving back to his country but due to financial reasons it was not possible. He randomly sent some CVs and got a great job offer in his hometown. I really didn't want to move and developed horrible anxiety. It was very hard for me and my dd who was 5 (almost 6) also did not want to move and leave her school. However, I was not working, our house was rented and getting too small for us. We had very little hope to buy a house due to crazy prices. I thought that if we lived in his country at least I could spend summers back home.
All is not too bad. It is a warm beautiful country, I have his parents close by who help with childcare (girls are now 6 and 2), rent is cheaper etc. But I feel so lonely. In the UK dh used to finish at 5pm but here he finishes around 8-9pm and sometimes even later. I am at home with two kids all the time and don't really know anyone else apart from his family. I dont speak the language very well and there are barely any expats in this town.
The loneliness is just so deep. For the first few months I used to cry non stop. I also felt lonely in the UK and always thought that we are so far away from our families but I don't feel like it is any better since we are here. Life is much nicer to my husband but I feel so disconnected from people. I am wondering if I have a depression. I am tearful and my moods are not that great. I love meeting people especially other mums and having playdates but I have noone to meet up with in here.
I think all these moves were quite traumatic but this was the worst. I am wondering if I am just spoilt and ungrateful? My husband works hard and I have been a sahm since dd1 was born (I worked a little bit here and there but nothing too stable or serious).
Dd1 is about to start school and I think I will look into online working as I dont speak the language well enough. Maybe working will help me. But I just feel such lack of energy and optimism at the moment. I worry that we have traumatised our dd1 by pulling her out of school and uprooting her so badly. But at the same time I feel rootless myself. I dont feel fully at home here, I haven't felt that in the UK either. And I have spent 10years away from my homecountry so I also do not feel fully at home there.
Deep loneliness started in my childhood as my dad was not very present and my mum suffered from anxiety as well as depression. But I know they love me and even though my childhood was not so great as I was lacking support from them, I have lots of lovely memories.
Maybe someone will have some insights. How do I help myself? Because I feel like having allergy to this country. Hot weather has started and it is making me feel even lonelier. I just feel so weak and as if I need to be comforted but I just cannot get that anywhere. The thoughts of living here for many years give me huge anxiety.
P.S the kids seem happy here and many people do not understand why do I complain.