Feeling so alone and suicidal with infertility

[ihateendometriosis]

Basically as the title says

I'm waiting for endo surgery and to remove at least one blocked, messed up tube.

My ovaries are stuck to my uterus with endo.

I'm in such a dark, dark place where I'm struggling to get up every morning with severe suicidal ideation over the thought that I'm infertile and basically going to be f*ckd.

And everyone around me is getting bloody pregnant

☹️

It's really bloody hard. I'm sorry. I had to have three surgeries and IVF to become pregnant. It feels so unfair.

I’m so sorry. I had problems resulting from childhood appendicitis leading to one useless tube and one that just about let the dye through. I can remember the pain of other women getting pregnant, the total misery of it for years.
It did work out for me in the end and I hope it will for you too.

I'm sorry to hear that @ihateendometriosis

I can't have a child due to my specific mental health problems & having to take certain medications for them.

I regularly dream about babies. It's awful.

But I have found a contentment in my life probably due to the amount of anti depressants I take... I plan things to make life interesting.. and hang out with a few single childless people as well as coupled up friends with kids.
However each time I feel I've made peace with my decision (not that I really had a choice) the doubts creep back in. Especially when I feel well mentally.

So you are in my thoughts as I've been where you are and I know how bad it feels.
But eventually it does get a bit better, you never get over being childless but you can learn to live with it. x

It’s a god awful place when you -
for whatever the reason - can’t have a baby and it’s all you think of and feels like everyone around is getting pregnant.
endo here, a blocked tube, and the other one is out of action too; 5 surgeries and 6 rounds of IVF later and we have a DS. I used to hate these messages and so for that I apologise but if this is what you want then you stay strong and keep focussed and you go for it.
In the meantime there’s nothing wrong with a massive cry and lots of wine (also done several times on the way).

I'm so sorry endo is fucking shit. Coupled with infertility is just such a dark place to be, I remember it well.

I hope things work out for you, OP

I recommend Alice Rose’s Life Raft membership to get support with infertility: www.thisisalicerose.com

if you have suicidal thoughts please get an emergency GP appointment so you have proper medical support.

I'm so, so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. Have they given you any kind of hope that you can possibly get pregnant in the future?

Sorry to hear this, hope you get some support 🌼 🌸

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health web guide here here. You can also try the Samaritans here: www.samaritans.org
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s devastating not to be able to have the family you would like. Wishing you gentle days, please reach out to someone in real life, you don’t deserve to feel like this.

I’m so sorry. Endo and infertility are just so awful, I had/have both. We got there in the end but it was an awful journey and the scars are still there (physically and emotionally).
Sending love and light. It is truly shit and I hope things work out for you in the end. Do reach out to a support group in real life. Lots of endo support groups on Facebook. Or endometriosis UK have support groups in person and online as well as a support helpline.
It is incredibly isolating and tested me to my absolute limit. Please keep going though. Xx ❤️❤️

Thanks everyone for replying.

I hate coming across as moany but this is the hardest thing I've ever ever been through.

I'm in the early stages of my endo diagnosis, and kicking myself for not sorting this YEARS ago, so I'm unsure of my ability to actually have children. All I do know is that one of my tubes is damaged so badly that it has toxic fluid in it that's dripping into my uterus, so without that being removed I have practically no chance of natural pregnancy anyway.

I have no idea if I will be able to get pregnant naturally after that's removed. I just keep imagining the worst case scenarios of losing both tubes and both ovaries and it's killing me.

The prospect of ivf terrifies me too - I know nobody wants to do ivf but it's not only the uncertainty but also the injections/pessaries/internal exams.

I'm huge on trying to have as much control as humanly possible of things in my life and this has completely blindsided me and I feel like my hands are tied behind my back.

Having a really dark day again today and just have no one that understands to speak to so hoping someone's around on here still.

Had a real low point when my 'accidentally pregnant' friend said she couldn't wait to get 'this thing' out of her when I'm trying to get 'that thing' in me! Argh so frustrating 😭

Infertility is hell and people can be so insensitive.

That is the worst thing too, she knows the hell i'm going through x