Is it depression if I feel ok sometimes but suicidal others?

[JulieShk]

Or something else/worse?

Had a really shit few months. Still very stressful.

I have a hugely supportive husband but for some reason I can't bring myself to tell him how badly I feel sometimes.

It's almost like the effort of talking about my feelings is too much to do. Even typing that sentence I'm close to tears.

Thing is I can't tell if I'm depressed as I can enjoy a day out or watching a movie etc.

But then equally I can lay in bed miserable at night and not fall asleep and try and think what the best way to run away or end things would be.

I think in my mind depression means it doesn't lift.

Is it something worse that's wrong with me?

In short, and from someone who only has experience dealing with my family's depression, yes.

In the depths of his depression my Dad made plans to run away and wasn't planning on telling anyone. Luckily in a moment when he wasn't feeling like that he did reach out and is much better now. He was diagnosed with depression, had counseling and meds.

Please go and see your GP and discuss how you are feeling, be brave and do it, it could start to make you feel so much better.

Yes, this is how mine tends to present. As a teenager mine was overlooked because I could still experience happy emotions in bursts, while still praying for my life to end each night. I wish it had been recognised; getting help early on might have stopped it from "sticking" for quite so long.

This is how I feel too. Being able to enjoy out does not mean you’re not depressed. I probably feel suicidal 50% of the time and it can be situational, but I have diagnosed depression

Thanks all for the replies.

It's helped me feel less like I'm going crazy. Xx

I have a diagnosis of depression. I only count myself as “depressed” when it doesn’t lift. When I’m stuck in a hole with no way out. I don’t enjoy anything, can’t concentrate, can’t work, can’t cook/tidy up and when the thoughts turn to plans and this goes on and on for weeks… months

when I’m “well” I still think about suicide, I just don’t have active plans. And I have good days, bad days.

it sounds like you’ve had a traumatic time and there is something really bothering you. Being able to talk about it with someone might help. Can you afford counselling, or do you have a workplace scheme?

Please consider speking to your GP. When I had similar feelings to you I found it helpful. Hope you find a calmer balance soon 💐

@JulieShk I know this is an older post but have just come across this and could have written it myself! I too have moments that I do enjoy but for me depression seems to be my default.
I hope you're doing ok