Hi all.
I'll start at the beginning. Husband announced mid Feb that he was having an affair when our DD was just 6mo.
She had apparently ended it because she found out he was married and he thought she might tell me so he got in first.
I knew he hadn't been happy but I put it down to new baby stress and possibly money worries (things got very tight with me on SMP) I never thought he had it in him to cheat on me.
As we own the flat together and there was no way he was getting away with zero parenting duties I let him stay in the spare room while I decided what to do.
After a week or two of this he decided for me. He said I would never forgive him and he was moving out. More than this, he had found a rental 3 hours away. I said what do you expect me to do about money and when was he planning on seeing his daughter. He said he would 'try' and come back every weekend...
Anyway, he did move, managed less than 24hrs before he called me begging to come back. I said he could come back to the area but not to our home and we'd see how things went. By this point I had resigned myself to being a single parent and in my own head I knew I wouldn't take him back. I later told him this.
Since then we have reached an arrangement where he has our DD every Friday night and Saturday day. He also comes over to do dinner and bedtime on a Monday or Tuesday. He gives me child maintenance (over the standard amount but a fraction of what he could actually afford).
You could say it's an amicable arrangement but here's the catch... I'm so ANGRY.
Whenever I see him I am filled with this hulk like rage and I just want to scream. I see him for a maximum three hours a week but the days leading up to it I'm dreading it and I feel deflated and powerless afterwards.
I don't think he fully grasps what he's done or why I hate him so much. I have never felt so humiliated, betrayed and rejected as he made me feel. He was prepared to just fuck off and abandon us on a whim, all because having a baby wasn't up to his fantastical idea of what it should be.
And he's had it so easy since. He got a pay rise at work, moved in with a friend where he pays minimal rent and swans around living this carefree bachelor life while I'm struggling to pay all the bills on my own on UC. I work 3 days a week as well which I seriously resent as my mat leave was cut short by his selfishness.
I think he's got a new GF who must be thick as shit to trust him or he's told lies about me.
I end up snapping at him when I see him and I've sent him a few quite nasty messages. He always responds in this fake, reasonable way which just enrages me further and I feel stupid for letting him rile me.
Would counselling help me to manage these feelings of anger? I feel so overwhelmed with everything and I randomly cry most days.
I would add that I love my DD so so much and I don't resent or regret her for a second. I always hide my feelings when I'm around her but that in itself is exhausting.
If you got to the end, thank you! I never meant it to be so long but it also feels good to get the whole sorry story out.