DC12 called for me to pick them up from residential

[Gettingthere2021]

They've been struggling with MH for couple of years but loved PGL last summer. Away on school residential and called me (on school phone) to pick them up on Day 1. Talked with teacher that they should try for at least one day. Now sat at home crying and feeling like worst Mum in the world. I think it would be good for them to stay and its a 10 hour round trip to pick them up (they are in West Wales). I guess if they are still bad tomorrow I will have to go or should I make them tough it out?

Are they twins?

12 and mental health issues for a few years? What kind of issues?

When is the return date?

And what actually is the issue at camp? Homesick?

I would not leave mine, I think you should pick them up asap.

'Toughing it out' doesn't work.

Depends entirely on the reason why they want to come home

Return is on Friday. One child - prefers to use they. Depression, self-harm. I know toughing it out doesnt work but I want them to see whether they will enjoy for one day, I will talk to them again tomorrow and if its still bad will go. Determined to hate it.

I read something really interesting earlier by Dr Julie Smith about anxiety. How avoiding the thing that makes you anxious only makes the anxiety worse.

Not sure what I’d do but 10 hour round trip is very far! I would be inclined to have them stay for the three days (I imagine this to be the length). Have a good chat about what they struggles with, friendships, being away from home and see if you can support them in working towards being happy at school, with friends and away from home.

my dc aren’t allowed to phone home on PGL age 9 & 10

You've done the right thing. See how they are tomorrow x

I don't think you are a bad mum at all. My son also has mental health issues and it's such a tightrope between encouraging him and knowing when to say enough is enough. It's always a judgement call.

If your gut says to let them try for a bit longer, then try it. Ten hours is a really long way to go if you arrive and they have changed their mind.

How long is the residential?

Oh good heavens
my son is 12 and I thank my lucky stars that none of this “they” nonsense

op, is the child very into computer games?

Sorry, I missed that it's until Friday. Take it day by day.

Bullying? I’d be there like a shot

but just doesn’t fancy it? No

has he given a specific reason?

Agree with you. Sounds like this child gets an awful lot of choice.
And I speak as someone who HATED staying away from home as a child. Leave the teachers in charge.

I think asking them to try a little longer was a sensible call.
If they are adamant tomorrow they still need to come home, I'd probably go collect - with a hotel nearby before returning incase you can persuade them to go and do the activities on day 3 before driving home.

Hopefully the teachers will be able to settle them tonight, and you won't hear tomorrow (remember, if you don't hear tomorrow, everything is going well!)

Please don't make them 'tough it out' if they are still struggling tomorrow.
They have a history of mental health issues- them being in a situation that they are finding overwhelming could make it worse. It's not a case of them 'just not liking' it, by the sounds of it.
Seeing how they are tomorrow is the best way forward- you have given them time to settle/ see how they get on. If they feel the same tomorrow, speak to the teacher re the possibility of picking them up.
Avoiding things that makes us anxious does make anxiety worse, but being exposed to something that makes us too anxious also makes anxiety worse. Any exposure to anxiety provoking situations needs to be done in small steps.

Thanks for the support. The teacher promised to let me know tonight how today went.

The best thing for poor mental health is physical activity outdoors. Better to stick it out.

PP is right that making accommodations for anxiety is usually thought to make it worse in the long run.

So I would go down the encouragement route, " you can manage this, even if you don't love it"

It is a few days not weeks.

I think you did exactly the right thing. Hopefully they have enjoyed themselves today and feel more settled.

I'd have taken the same approach. If they're still unsure I'd get them talking about what they enjoyed today and what they are looking forward to doing tonight and tomorrow. Hopefully looking forward and focusing on the fun things will set them up with a positive attitude for staying.

Once they've done tonight then they're half way through.

Ohthatsexciting I'm not sure you're really the right person to be making comments about parenting children with mental health difficulties. You clearly haven't a clue as to how difficult it can be. No parent chooses to have a child with anxiety and social difficulties. Your pious comments really are more irritating than helpful.

@Ohthatsexciting I bet the OP's child thanks their 'lucky stars' that you're not their mother

Absolutely no doubt about that!!

This isn't strictly true. 'Making accommodation' only works if the anxiety doesn't rise to a level that makes it too hard to make learning. If anxiety rises above this point, no learning is made an it can make the anxiety worse in the long run.
This is why, when working on anxiety disorders a graded approach is used. This way, small steps, towards the feared object/ situation can be made (so not avoiding the situation), but the individual isn't overwhelmed by the 'fight/flight/ freeze' response.

I would suggest it is worth seeing if the dc's anxiety reduces over time with the prolonged exposure.
Particularly as a lot of the activities are outside exercise in the fresh air which are likely to reduce the frozen/overwhelmed aspect.
It might be that dc remains totally overwhelmed but it might well end up that they are able to work through it.