I suspect I'm ASD - if you are, does this sound like you?

[Ithinktomyself]

I wasn't going to bother getting a diagnosis as I've survived this long but for various reasons I think it's probably important to get confirmation. But all the assessments I've seen ask for feedback from other people (parents, etc) and I really don't want to do that. So if you've got a diagnosis, does this sound like you?

Childhood
Spoke in an Australian accent (I'm not Australian) - I had no idea I was doing it
Walking on tiptoes
Speech therapy for my lisp
Defiant and determined in my rightness
Nail biting and skin tearing
Picking holes in my scalp
Crying when having to speak to someone one on one
Occasionally mute
Difficulty with friends - always on the periphery and often bullied

Adulthood
I'm told I don't take criticism well (I TRY to - I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing wrong)
I get fixated on issues (particularly political stuff)
I still pick at skin and bite my nails
I can not have one-on-one conversations without getting tearful (reviews at work were always embarrassing)
Every few months I get into a really difficult emotional state: I'm there at the moment. Overwhelmed, scared, panicky, twitchy. I really to dig a deep hole, climb to the bottom, curl up and scream the longest loudest scream I can. When I'm like this I find it difficult to talk to people (I can respond and stuff but I can't carry on a casual conversation).
I hate people touching me - it's a running joke amongst my ex-colleagues that I don't do hugs.
Suicide ideation (but only that, don't panic, I'm not going to do it).

My son is diagnosed and my husband suspects he is.

There's other stuff too but those are the main things.

So if this DOES sound like ASD, is there any real benefit to getting a diagnosis? I have had anti-depressants before now but I came off them for various reasons. Not sure I want to go down that path again. Is there anything that I can do myself to manage it?

Sorry to hear how you're feeling at the moment, OP.

I can relate to lots in your adult list. The criticism & one-to-one/crying stuff especially. It's embarrassing and annoying.

So I'd say it sounds normal to me 😆. I do not have an ASD diagnosis. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm 'not normal', but I also don't think I'm special.

It doesn't help that the people I work and socialise with are more like me than not. Is it a self-selecting group? Is this just in the variety of normal for humans? Am I really that socially inept? Do I have A Thing or am I just a shit human?

Fuck knows, OP. But you're in company whatever the label!

Thanks. I know what you mean about "special identity" and I definitely do not want that (I mostly just want people to fuck off and leave me alone) but I'm trying to be pro-active as I'm in a definite decline at the moment and, while at other points it was horrid while it last but didn't do lasting damage, there are various reasons why this time it might. The label may help me work out the extent to which I am being ASD and the bits where it is just me being an asshole.

Interesting that you have the crying problem too. I posted about it on here once and was basically told to grow up and stop being ridiculous. Which is fair enough but no one could tell me HOW!

The criticism one drives me mad as I work really hard to listen to and understand and act upon criticism but when I ask questions I'm always accused of being defensive (which I don't feel I am being but clearly I am as more than one person has said it).

But mostly right now it's the sense of overwhelming sadness, panic and worry that I need to do something about. Alcohol is helping (yes, I know that's not good) but isn't really a solution.

So if this DOES sound like ASD,

The problem with this is that autism diagnosis is about meeting criteria and all of the things you have mentioned may or may not be found in people who meet the criteria for diagnosis. They may also be found in people who don't. Have a look at the actual diagnostic criteria and see if you think you 'fit' - meantime I would speak to your GP because either way it sounds like you really need some supper.

I don't particularly relate to any of your notes, apart from the occasional mute one, I still have non verbal episodes now as an adult.

A lot of people who are autistic also have ADHD. ADHD can be a serious mental health issue if a persons symptoms include emotional dysregulation and severe sensitivity to real and perceived rejection. I’d focus on looking into ADHD for now as you might find the positive effects of stimulants to be life changing.

"Interesting that you have the crying problem too. I posted about it on here once and was basically told to grow up and stop being ridiculous. Which is fair enough but no one could tell me HOW!"

I know right.

Whatever label might help explain where you are on the entirely normal spectrum of behaviour/feelings/expression of emotions, right now you need to do whatever you need to do to feel better.

Take some time off from people, rest, definitely cut down the alcohol! Sleep (makes a MASSIVE difference to me), eat nutritious food. Cut down social media/digital devices usage.

The biggest thing that's helped me is reading Why We Sleep by Matt Walker, and finding a nice outdoor hobby away from work and my family (horses!).

That and explaining to people (for 1-to-1s etc) that you're a crier, please try to ignore it, you're embarrassed but it just happens etc. Also I've found that when I've been 'belligerent' I can reflect quite quickly and go back and apologise/explain why that happened. People seem to be getting better at understanding my 'little ways'. And that goes a long way.

Remember you've felt like this before, you'll feel better again. x

Hi,

I don't know whether since you posted you have gotten an assessment and diagnosis but I would say go for it. I am similar. I am 55 and suspect I am on the spectrum, very similar sounding to you when you were young and as an adult. My DD has ASD and ADHD and my DH has ADHD. Life can be very challenging at times. I have decided to go for it with a private assessment that my Dad is helping me pay for. I'm on the waiting list for an NHS assessment but the wait time is 3 years!! The only one who could've helped with family perspective was my mum and she sadly passed away in 2019. I'm going for it anyway. Not everyone still has parents around, never mind whether they can remember. I wish you all the best..