16 yr anxious if without a parent

[folly115]

My dd is 16 and ever since she was a baby she has struggled being away from me. As a toddler she was horrendous when we left her with anyone and even worse if she slept at grandparents or aunties. By about 8 she grew out of it and went to sleepovers, day trips with friends and school residentials.

Post pandemic she hates being away from me or her dad for any amount of time. She is scared of everything. Me and her dad are her protectors. Her anxiety has got much worse since the pandemic but at 16 I cannot go everywhere with her. She is scared of everything. She has been to our local town a couple of times but when she sees people who look scary she freaks out and I end up going to pick her up. I realised last year running to pick her up and bring her home every time she feels sick when out without us isn't doing her any favours so we then tried me going with her and staying close by - but this didn't work as she knew she could run to me when she was scared. Tonight she has gone on the train to the neighbouring town to see a show with 2 friends (something she has been looking forward to for months!!) but I am not there to save her so she has to cope on her own - she keeps texting to say how scared she is but she doesn't know what of just being out.

She is ok at school but that is really the only place she can cope without me.

My husband says we need to just let her stay in the house all day because she feels safe and stop letting her go out because everytime she does she feels anxious. If I would let her she would never go anywhere. I just wonder is this something she will grow out of or does it sound like she has an anxiety problem that she may have for life.

I find it so hard to understand as I ve never suffered with anxiety. I love being out I love being with people and my DH says she isn't me and I need to just let her stay home all the time.

Any advice on what is the best way forward- whether we let her give in to the anxiety or keep making her do things and whether we do save her if she gets anxious or we have to leave her to deal with it in her own way!!

Thank you

Of course she does need to keep doing things, if you let her stay in the house she may get to the point she never leaves.

However this sounds quite serious - get an appointment with your GP urgently. She needs some immediate treatment for anxiety and a referral to child mental health.

The sooner she starts getting treatment the better - if this runs unchecked it could ruin her entire life.

I know these things can creep up, but both you and your husband are failing her here.

She needs to know that you and her dad are not her 'protectors' as you say. What does she need protecting from? Has she had a traumatic experience which has made her fearful of being out in public? Why is she afraid to leave you?

If anything she needs you and her dad to encourage her to go out, she needs to know that she will be fine, she needs to learn ways of managing her anxious thoughts and feelings whether that is deep breathing or mindfulness.

She needs you to help her challenge her anxious thoughts, ask her 'what do you think will happen if I don't pick you up? How likely is that to happen? What advice would you give to your friend if she was having that thought?'. Direct these questions to her. She might not know the answer, but soon enough she'll learn to start asking herself these questions.

I can speak from experience as my daughter developed panic disorder and agoraphobia in lockdown at age 15.

She needs to see a CAHMS psychiatrist as it's looking very similar to how my daughter started. You are her safe people so she can go places with you. She's going to need Sertraline and CBT to overcome it.

This was my daughter due to lockdown. She’s nearly 16 now, and due to fantastic gp, counselling and patience ( endless amounts) we are making progress.

She was a normally happy 13 year old at first lockdown. The last one destroyed her completely.

She needs encouragement to go out away from you. I had lots of conversations with Dd about pushing outside her comfort zone.

She still likes being with us best, but l do feel we are moving into better territory. It’s been hard and exhausting. I seem to speak to school or gp every day and it’s really stressful. But she is getting better.

l hope this helps a bit. GP said she’s never seen this amount of children presenting with anxiety.

Firstly, your DD absolutely needs some form of professional help with this. My DD has anxiety, and counselling has helped tremendously. It's not a magic solution but it gives the child the tools to cope with their feelings of fear. Take her to the GP, tell the Dr how it affects your DD daily. You should also inform your DD's school, as she may be able to access counselling there.

In the meantime, I know it is hard but don't let her stay at home all the time. She does need to live her life. She needs to be exposed to the real world in order that she can learn that it isn't scary. The more she goes out, the more it will feel normal to her. If you allow (or encourage) her to stay home, you are re-inforcing her idea that the outside world = bad.

I can see why your DH wants to let her stay home as it avoids making your DD worried and is the easier option in the short term. But it is definately not good for your DD in the long run.

My Dd's counseller told me NOT to reassure Dd constantly (e.g. saying 'don't worry, you will be ok'), but instead to allow her to experience and accept her own feelings of fear, so that she can learn to reassure herself instead of always seeking my reassurance. This is not easy, but you do need to think about whether you are actually re-inforcing her fears by always reassuring her. It becomes a habit, a cycle where she gets worried, seeks your re-assurance, is ok for a bit but when she gets worried again she seeks your reassurance again. To break the cycle, instead of reassuring (e.g. 'you'll be ok') tell her 'yes I see that you are worried'. And then focus on the positives about going out, i.e. 'it will be so nice for you to go for a coffee and choose a cake ..... I can't wait to hear what you chose when you get home later' (or whatever she's going to be doing).

I was also going to say this sounds like agoraphobia. I have a friend who suffers from it. I don't think either you or your husband are approaching it quite right. It won't help her to stay in the house, she could get stuck and find it even harder to leave . But equally forcing her to go out without her safety net could trigger increased panic and exacerbate her anxiety.

You need to get her to a gp/camhs, but if you can't, look up strategies for coping with agoraphobia and panic disorder. My friend has a goal set by her mental health team of leaving her house each day but on bad days that can just mean the end of the garden and she is "allowed" to have support with her if she feels she needs it.

There is a book called DARE that people recommend and say it has helped. It might help you to help her if you read it.

My daughter is younger but suffers some anxiety, she will be sick.

I took the approach of basically saying well we have water and sick bags so if you are no worries we can handle it. She saw a counseller who agreed with that approach - if you allow them to stay home then they think they feel better because they haven't gone out and it will escalate more.

Your daughter needs professional help, right now. This is very, very serious, and you have got to help her. You need to get her into therapy as soon as possible, privately if need be.

There’s lots that can be done to help but I do think you have tried long enough alone. Talk to the senco at school and to her GP who can refer you to CAMHs. Friends have had both talking therapy and a plan that involved small steps with an enabler towards more independence.