How to cut off toxic and abusive family

[emjay1996]

Hi, first time posting.

I'm after some advice/peoples experience with cutting off toxic and abusive family members?

I'd really appreciate any help right now. Currently really going through some stuff and just need someone to talk to who's been in my situation before.

It’s easier to do, the further away they live. Mine were 450 miles away, I wrote a letter going no contact, and never saw them again. I imagine if they live round the corner, it’s more difficult to avoid bumping into them.

I sent them an email then changed all our phone numbers and email addresses

It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing or a forever thing. You could just take each invite/encounter as it comes and practice saying ‘no’/not going without giving reasons.

I'm just round the corner
A few minute walk away

See this is the thing, I have nobody else.
I know that I am only sticking around because I want and crave the love I've never gotten. Despite how toxic and abusive they are too me.
I keep trying and going back but I know deep down that its causing further damage.

But what has made me write this post is an incident this week (which has happened numerous times now) that has put me in a situation again where I realise I need to cut them off completely. But I just don't know how too.
If I do, I will be totally alone. And that scares me

So not cut them off completely then?

I cut mine off
i ghosted them-I just stopped answering any phone calls-I changed my number (they can’t text)
changed my email address and blocked the others on sm
if I saw them in the street I just treated them like a stranger
i ended up moving away in the end

be warned they can and will start a smear campaign when they can’t get to you and they will unleash the flying monkeys
ive been chased down the street,had people knocking on my door,telling my friends to pass on messages,making new sm pages to contact me-every angle you can think of

ignore it all-don’t give them a rise-Google ‘grey rock’

it does get better and the freedom is amazing-you won’t ever be free if you go lc instead of nc

good luck

Thankyou for your reply.

Did you feel guilty at all?
I can't help feel enormous guilt but I can't keep going through what they put me through.
Im just holding on to the hope that they'll change and give me the love im so desperate for and should have from my parent.

If I do cut all contact, then I will be on my own with nobody else.
I have no other family or friends
I am so scared to be alone so I just tolerate their abuse

Just decide what you want to do each time they invite you to meet, and stop inviting them to meet.

How do you normally see them? If you live so close do they turn up unannounced?

we speak alot over the phone and this week I've seen them near enough everyday..

they obviously know where I live so sometimes do turn up un announced yeah and if I did cut them off or ignored them, they'd probably turn up to see if I was okay after not responding to them?

so I'm not sure what to do about that?

would they check up on you in a caring way?

would they understand the concept of you needing some time to yourself?

Oh god yes I still feel guilty 12 years on but it was them or me
once they where gone,I built a whole ‘new’ family of people who love me-faults and all
it took a while,and I had to dig very deep to get through those first few months/years but I found them and have no toxic people to drop poison in their ears

my inbox is open if you need support

I don't think you understand what's going on here. People don't cut of their families unless they are abusive horrible people.

I do not think they sincerely care about me.
If they did, they surely wouldn't treat me the way they do?

I believe when they do 'care' about me. It's all an act and to trick people into believing that they are the perfect parent.

For example, my mental health is poor at the minute, my parent has been there whilst I speak with MH. Parent has there arm around me, hugging me, being the loving doting parent..
Soon as I leave the appointment.. parent is walking way infront of me, doesn't hug me again, doesn't show the same concern and affection like they do when other people are around

My head is a mess

Do you understand how important connection is for humans and how the OP is in a quandary because she does receive some level of connection from her family and that she doesn’t have any other connection?

I know exactly what it’s like to have to cut off emotionally and physically abusive parents, thank you.

Your mental health might be poor because you’re receiving mixed messages from your family? Have you raised with them how it made you feel to be dropped like that when other people aren’t around? Their behaviour is more about them and their ability to love, rather than a comment on your worth. Are you in any physical danger with them?

Your need for connection is competing with your need for emotional and physical safety. It sounds like there’s a level of care present that’s important to you and you’re reluctant to let go of, which is completely understandable. Also, it might be best to get some distance from them so you can start establishing some independence and emotional safety - learning that you can cope without them, you’re an adult now, not a child, and you can and will learn to make new connections with safer people if you want to. Could you use some time away from them to start figuring out what you want in life?

Sounds like they’re in your pocket a lot - how would they react if you said you need some time to yourself for a couple of weeks and won’t be around? It would buy you some time to figure out what you want to do, and hopefully wouldn’t spark any big reaction from them. Also it would give you time to taste what life is like without them and encourage yourself that you’re able to still cope and enjoy life without them. Some temporary time apart, no dramatic forever messages, might just clarify your thoughts.

In the past I have brought things up and contact has stopped.
But it always starts back up again. They stuck me in and I give them another chance thinking they'll change and do better this time.

But I'm let down time and time again and I really do believe they do not care for me at all. It is all fake.
They continue to repeat doing the same things and I'm at that point now where I know I need to cut off contact.

I do struggle to stand up for myself and tell them when their in the wrong as growing up I've witnessed certain things and them flying off the handle.

So I do tend to keep quiet and tolerate how they treat me, just because I'm un certain on what they would do..

I live nearby too. I act like they are a stranger when they pass me.
Be warned it will get worse before it gets better ... but it is so worth it in the long run.

How did it get worse before it got better if you don't mind me asking

Just incase it's something I can lookout for? Any advice