Single Mum, 3 Children and im a Midwife

[LouAnn86]

I think I posted this in the wrong place before so apologies if so.
So I could really do with advice.
as the subject states, I am a single mum of 3 (16,12,7). I work as a midwife and have a very bad relationship with a toxic ex husband.
A bit of a background. Marriage ended due to his infidelity. He is now engaged to said woman and they have one child. The relationship was filled with emotional abuse which I did not recognise until we were separated and I was in counselling. I have frequent emails from him ranging from telling me what a bad mum I am for late bedtimes, having my parents doing the kids school pick ups when I’m on shift. Occasionally they stay up and wait for me (I get home around 9pm). To food choices, clothes, decisions around sickness and absence from school (my daughter also has cerebral palsy and occasionally suffers with severe leg cramps after physio). To even more. I’m struggling with that. It is constant and wearing me down.
The boys (16 and 12) also refuse to help at home. Their attitudes are bad, but I remember being a tween and teenager - I was also difficult 🙄 But me expecting simple chores to help out isn’t too much surely?
Work has really affected my health. I have epilepsy and recently been diagnosed with ventricular tachycardia - so under stress from that.
The house is always a state. Dog doesn’t get walked daily. I am trapped in a constant cycle of guilt. I thought I was doing ok? Kids are doing ok at college and school. I keep up with my daughters appointments. I manage to get to work. Staffing is causing a bad problem in my trust and we are all stressed and struggling. Management is terrible and offers little support, if any.
I just need help and advice on how I can get back on track and feel motivated.
I love my kids more than life. I wouldn’t change them for the world. I just feel guilty that I’m snappy and due to fatigue, not giving them the childhood they deserve. Money is tight so holidays and days out are at a minimum.
any ideas for juggling. Getting my MH back on track (I’m on higher dose antidepressants), weight loss and just feeling like a better person.
any help and advice is really really welcome. TIA 🙏🏼

What are the consequences if they don't do their chores?
Have a set list of things expected to do. I.e. Every day they make their bed. One makes a family dinner and washes up on say Thursdays, the other does it on Tuesdays. On Fridays one washes the darks and on Mondays one washes the lights. Make it clear what days they are expected to hoover etc. Have a clear weekly schedule of what is expected of each child on which day. Laminate it and stick it on the fridge.
Because your 7 year old is disabled, I'd probably just keep it to making her bed, keeping her room tidy and putting her on the hoover schedule. She can maybe match socks too!
At 16 I was living alone and managing my own council flat whilst in sixth form. Your 16 year old can certainly pitch in, as can your 12 year old.

You need to take care of you. Is it possible to reduce your hours and top up from UC will reflect that? Do you get any disability or carer benefits?

I have cut my hours but I just struggle with money so having to do extra shifts, which really doesn’t make much difference as the UC balances out. I will definitely try to make a strict schedule. I admit it is out of me getting so fed up with them moaning and me having to go on and on, I’ve been slack and lazy with being assertive

I tell them all the time how lucky they are. Especially with people like you who were having to be an adult at 16. Super well done for that btw you should be proud!

Since UC balances out, don't pick up extra shifts. You're doing it to help them out at the ward, which I get. But you need to take care of yourself and your children.
I'm not the first to manage that at 16 and I'm not the last. 😊 Give teenagers some responsibility and they are quite capable!
Good luck with the schedule, it will also help with accountability if certain things haven't been done. You are a family and everyone contributes and everyone works together.