Regret

[GlumyGloomer]

This will be long, sorry.
A week past dd1's third birthday she was badly hurt in an accident. I feel like it was my fault it happened, due to inadequate risk assessment. Since then I've really tried to go all out for her birthdays. Covid really messed it up but I've always done my best. Cue her 6th birthday, a big party with bouncy castle, fancy cake, the works. Class party first, followed by family party. A couple of days before dd2 banged her head so hard the skin behind her ear split. I took her to urgent care, they glued the split, pronounced her fine and told me to keep an eye out things like continuous vomiting. Day before the party dd2 wakes up with continuous vomiting, so off to a&e we go. After a very distressing morning when she was nearly sent for a brain scan it was pronounced viral, and we were sent home once she could keep down water.
With a very heavy heart I canceled the party, citing the vomiting bug, and rebooked the castle for two weeks time. It's vastly reduced our guest list, and basically just won't be the perfect day I spent months and hundreds planning. Day of the party dd2 was very unwell, but absolutely fine now. No one else has yet come down with it.
Dd1 copes with disappointment well, but now the worry for dd2 has subsided the guilt is crushing me. Its made worse by knowing that many families would have just carried on and her friends parents probably think I was just being flaky, which is why they haven't replied to the new date.
I don't want to be told if I was right or wrong to cancel, but how do I live with my own decision? I feel absolutely awful and like I let dd1 down somehow.

Thanks for reading

Sorry if I'm in the wrong place, I wasn't really sure where to go

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself and birthday parties because of whatever happened when dd1 was 3. The birthday party is still happening, dd will have a wonderful time and it will all be fine. It might not be exactly what you envisioned but that won't matter to dd. Have you considered getting some counselling over what happened? It sounds like it is still affecting you after a long time.

You haven't let anyone down. You've acted in the best interests of your child and your family in getting them medical attention and then being wise to cancel the party in case anybody else became ill.

In the nicest possible way I think you have left what happened to your first daughter colour your judgement and cause your extreme anxiety in the planning of what most people would see as completely over the top parties.

Children need to be loved and cared for and it sounds like you're doing a great job. Over the top parties are not really necessary and whilst you may have enjoyed planning this big occasion it's a huge event in your mind and your child just wants to know they're loved and cared for and celebrate with their family whether it's a big party a small party or no party.

Thanks both, your comments helped. Just to update dd1 and myself came down with it last night. I honestly can't remember the last time I've felt so ill, so cancelling definitely the right call.

Op

irrespective of the party issue, I truly think you need some professional support. Your post is very concerning re your frame of mind in general. Do you have any professional support atm?

@famagusta concerning how? And no I don't. Can't afford private and NHS is too hard to access, especially as I'm very time poor.

but how do I live with my own decision? I feel absolutely awful and like I let dd1 down somehow.

this is a young child’s party.
this is an extreme reaction. And if I had a friend or family member say this to me, I would be worried

To give the full story dd1 had a large scauld injury. 2 operations, 6 weeks healing and and 2 years of scar therapy. Yes, I am still deeply traumatised by it.
It wasn't a super fancy party, just a unicorn themed garden party with a bouncy castle and 10 odd guests plus family. But it was the biggest birthday we've ever attempted, and watching it crash and burn was painful.