Why do I feel like such a failure

[RebelWithoutAClue]

Hello. First time poster - but have watched quietly for a while. I have 3 lovely kids and a decent DH who helps out alot more than others I know and yet i still feel like i can't cope with life. problems started after birth of ds 6 months ago. he's very hard work - cries alot for no apparent reason as he's healthy putting on weight etc. He doesn't sleep day or night so I feel exhausted all of the time. I have actually just managed to persuade GP after several visits to refer ds to paediatrician to eliminate food allergies for constant crying. i've practically made myself a prisoner in my own home as i can't face taking ds anywhere as his screams are embarrassing and i feel the panic build just thinking about going out. It's affecting all of our relationships - i'm short tempered with DD x 2 (god knows what damage i'm doing to them) and with DH - don't know how much more he will put up with. I have limited support - my mam is great but she still works full time and so isn't around a great deal, my dad died a few years ago and DH's family are a waste of space. TBH though I hide as much as I can from my family and friends - put on a brave face and hope they don't see through me. Sometimes i really feel like i could just walk out the front door and quite happily not come back. I spend most of my time in tears and thinking that ds is the worst mistake of my life. What sort of mother feels like that? It's unforgiveable I know. I feel awful when I read some of the threads on MN and I know I should count my blessings that my family are all healthy and I don't have half of the problems that some MNers do but it doesn't stop me feeling hopeless. I really want to just suck it up and get on with it and stop being so pathetic but each day wears me down that little bit more.

You must talk to someone. I recommend you give your doctor or HV a call as I think you might be suffering PND. What do you think? I had two under two and no have two demanding toddlers. Cannot imagine three but I know that it is a lot harder than those childless people think. Especailly when you are with it 24/7 EVEN if you have supportive family and husband. Do not try to bottle it up - no one can help if they don't know you are struggling. Good luck.

BTW - I very frequently feel like a failure and have supportive dh. Yes you love your kids but hell its bloody hard work!!

I know that I should talk to somebody about it but I just can't seem to take the first step. i've been with HV when ds gets weighed and they ask the question "So how are you doing?" and I want to tell them that i think i'm cracking up, that I just can't cope but the complete opposite comes out -"Me, I'm great thanks." I'm my own worst enemy for not doing something, I realise that. I guess I just don't want people to think that I'm weak.

Firstly, you are NOT a failure.

It does sound to me like you have PND, i have had this and didnt get any help for two years. My Dad died two years ago as well so i can understand how that is always there!

Go to the doctors, PLEASE, you will be surprised how much of a relief it will be to just tell someone and have them tell you, its OK, you are not well and this is not your fault. I felt relieved when my doctor said that to me, i then felt terrified and upset, but i am on medication, which may or may not be appropriate for you.

With regards to your feelings about DS, isnt that a classic sign of PND? I convinced myself i DIDNT have it because i didnt feel like that, but it manifests in so many ways. A friend of mine said she wanted to put her DS up for adoption, he was her second child.She got help, she got over it, she adores her son.

you are NOT weak! To be able to keep all of this under wraps is not weak. But it is not healthy. I found my doctor a lot more useful HV was all sympathy and no action

It does sound like you may have PND. Please go and talk to your doctor (ime they are much better than the HV). Ask the receptionist who is best to see, the surgery I go to has one doc who sort of specialises in mental health and I found that so helpful.

Also I know it's hard but try to keep going out, if you don't your world will get smaller and smaller and that will make depression worse.

Oh and meant to add I have one very good baby (always happy, hardly cries) and still felt like you do.

Thanks very much for your messages. I will try and talk to somebody about how i'm feeling. I know it's what I should be doing it's just I seem to have some sort of mental block that won't allow me to tell anyone.

Three young kids is hard enough, but if you've got a non-stop crying baby you must be physically and mentally exhuasted. This isn't any kind of failure of your parenting. We all crack up when sleep deprived - it's a known torture tactic!

But please get some help, don't try and just keep going. You'll wear yourself out and get even more depressed.

& do try to get out of the house. Try lots of different baby/toddler groups until you find one that's supportive. Lots of people will be happy to help if you let them.

I hope you feel better soon.

rebel, how are you today? I totally understand the mental block thing. Don't be like me and get to crisis point before you ask for help, you dont have to. You deserve to be happy and given help, you will be.

Bump - wanted to know Rebel how you were feeling today.

Hi, sorry not been able to login - computer probs. Today has been a better day. Thank you both for asking. That's something that confuses me how my feelings can change so dramatically from one day to the next. I know that tomorrow again I could be rock bottom and it's scary. I must say though that i felt better after posting on here and getting the positive comments from other people who have been through something similar. I haven't yet made an appointment with GP - I am still apprehensive about it. I'm concerned about what sort of reception I get from her and how I will be at the time. I generally feel like I would go into total meltdown if I actually had to speak about it in person - typing on here anonymously was difficult. But, I know now that it's something I have to do, not just for myself but for my whole family. Thanks again for the words of encouragement and support.

Rebel, i went to the doctors in a total meltdown, so much so that i just presented myself at the minor injuries clinic in total hysteria. The nurse was so kind to me and sat there and very kindly told me that i wasnt well. She made me an appointment with my doctor for later that day (virtually unheard of!) and although i was calmer when i spoke to the doctor i was still in floods of tears.

Is your GP sympathetic? Maybe you could see another doctor. A woman? Lucky for my my doctor has a child the same age as my DD and seems to really empathise. She is so unjudgemental and not once has she ever asked me how i cope with DD. This was one of the things that worried me, would they think i cant cope. I am not sure i could be so open with a man, it depends on the man i suppose. I recently had to get repeat meds and the doctor who came out to call me was the typical plum voiced old male and i was thinking "shit" what if he tells me to pull myself together and not prescribe. He was lovely, not over sympathetic (i cant be doing with that) just factual, told me, its ok to be on the meds for a while and not to rush myself. So, he would have been ok.

I think you should bite the bullet and go - i didnt get help for two years and i am convinced that is why i have taken longer to recover. My friend who had PND (worse than me) was only on prozac for three months and was fine. Im taking a bit longer!!

To be honest, it might be better if you do have a meltdown - it is difficult to describe just how shit you feel when you are not quite so low and you need to make this clear that this is more than just having (just!) to cope with an unsettled baby (as if that wasnt enough!)

Looking forward to more bright days

XX