Where have my friends gone and what can I do to get them back or find new ones?

[Daisiesonthelawn]

Dear all,

I’m so lonely. I gave birth right at the start of the pandemic, the first of many of my friends to have a child. It was normal at the time for many of my friends not to have met my daughter in her first year because we were in a pandemic. I also had a very hard time mentally and didn’t invite anyone around much. I took antidepressants for a year during the pandemic as I was diagnosed with “adjustment disorder” or simple post-natal depression. I probably should still be on them- I am very anxious and low but hide it fairly well. My marriage is also on the rocks I think because we only have each other.

I was supposed to be a be a bridesmaid at one of my oldest friend’s weddings yesterday but tested positive for covid and so couldn’t be there. I am devastated. Not just to miss it and let my friend down but because it was the social event of my year! I needed it. these old friends also live very far away so I hardly see them and honestly don’t speak all that much- we have a group whatsapp.

My two best friends moved to other countries a few years ago now. They haven’t been to the UK and also haven’t met my daughter. We hardly speak as they don’t have children and I don’t think we have much in common anymore. At least it doesn’t feel the same.

We (husband, daughter and I) live in London (I don’t come from London) and have recently moved to a new part. I have no friends nearby. I thought moving to a new bit of London would give a bit of fresh start: my daughter started a nursery and maybe we would find friends there or in our local community, but no one seems to be looking for new friends. I went on a trip with the nursery group the other day and none of the other parents were interested in making small talk. The only person I had a meaningful conversation with was with a nanny who was super friendly and lovely. Almost feel like hiring her so she can be my friend.

I just don’t know where to start. I’ve lost all my confidence. I used to have a wide friendship group but it’s just disappeared completely over the course of two years.

I work full time, mostly remotely on video calls with colleagues in other countries. I am really struggling with my mental health. My family lives five hours away.None of my friends have been to our new house despite being there for a few months now. I don’t think a lot of my “friends” have any idea how much of a downturn my mental health has taken over the past few years.

I know this is mostly my fault. I feel like I’m letting my daughter down, my husband, and myself as we need a wider support circle.

Any ideas anyone can share would be hugely appreciated.

I met 3 of my currently close friends (last 4 years) on bumble friendship.I moved and wanted a new circle.They are great .Perhaps try that?

It's hard when your life changes and people drift away. Especially hard with young kids. If you have time/opportunity get involved with new activities. The more clubs/classes you do the more likely you will meet new people. You will meet lots of people through school when your child starts. It's hard for everyone though - limited time/money or already established friendships mean lots of people are 'unavailable'.

The other thing is that it's important to do stuff for yourself not just family/kids. The best thing I did was a gym class with crèche - got a break from child, she enjoyed the playroom and made friends, I got some exercise which was great both physically and mentally.

I'm really sorry to hear your feeling like this atm. I can relate to alot of what you're saying and found myself feeling lost and isolated a few years ago when my son was young. For me personally, I've always struggled to fit in so friendships/relationships always feel more complex than they should do to me. I think after having a Baby, you can sometimes feel as though you've lost your identity a bit and it definitely changes friendships, especially if your friends don't have children yet. It doesn't have to drive a wedge between you though and even though they aren't in this country, I would reach out to them and try and reconnect, even if it's via Facebook messenger or WhatsApp, especially if they are friendships that are worth fighting for and you miss these ppl?. I'm sure one day they will go on to have their own families so will understand what it's like..I think reaching out to try and reconnect with old friends would be the boost to your confidence and happiness that you sound like you need right now.
With regards to new friends, my experience is that new friendships take time and aren't something that just happen over night. I have been in situations meeting other parents prior to my son starting school and just found ppl generally quite stand offish....why is that?! I think once your child starts school you will 100% make new friendships. I've got a lot of time for the parents of the children my son is friends with, they aren't my really close friends of mine atm but they might grow to be. Take care xx

Thank you. I’m going to try it!

Thank you. You’re right. If I can find a way to make more time for my own hobbies and interests, that would at least improve my confidence which then might make seeking friends easier!

Thank you for such a compassionate reply and I’m sorry you’ve also gone through this.

i am going to reach out to old friends as you suggest. I worry that they will have forgotten or disowned me but what harm is there in trying! I also need to apologise for disappearing myself.

I really thought more new mums would seek new friends and thought this phase would be easier in this regard. I hope I at least can make a few new friends in this phase of life, as it will otherwise be very lonely!

I could have written this! It’s very strange being post pandemic and post first baby with my friends scattered across the U.K. and Europe. I’m also in London- east London, but way past the fashionable bit out in zone 4. DM me if you’re near by and want to have a grumble over a coffee 😂

I'd look for some "community based" carer and babies/toddler groups. The sort run in a church hall or equivalent. These are more likely to have people ( both carers and helpers) who are willing to chat.

I always had friends, but when I had my first child I probably felt the loneliest I have ever felt. I’m shy by nature but really had to get out of my comfort zone and approach mums at playgroups/new mum teas etc. i had varying success but enough to have some other local mums to hang around with. 20 years later I am still in touch with a few of them!
i also met a few good mum friends online. You have to cast your net wide I’m afraid!